хаоСChaos

P is never ending, the desire 2 have som1 close to u, physically, spiritually.. it's just so strong... Not having it takes such a toll on me. Trusting som1 who ruined that trust is even worse, it hurt more than loneliness.. now i am to pay for all the years i was 2 weak 2do sth ABT this so i coulda prevented anything like that from ever happening. Alas, such is life, woe is me... I'm still solely fuelled by revenge and nothing else. Still huge idgaf ABT myself & the world, still crippling executive dysfunction - they all just simply persist and keep on persisting & haunting me & not letting me live. I'm literally dying, i can't keep on keeping on this way for so long. I need love 2 support me

What has life come to.. post pmo clarity.. been doing this 4 way 2 long.. i gave her everything & now I'm forced 2 go thru this excruciating pain ffs, I'm so angry. At her, at myself, at the world - so pissed off ffs fml. This world is hell & I'm 2 weak 2 resist Satan's sweet whispers... Sm i coulda done, sm had gone by.. as if nothing fucking changed fml !!! Terribly wrong, terribly terribly wrong 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬 that was NOT my destiny. That little kid, that stupid teen that suffered thru all this shit did NOT deserve this !!! Everything is sm work, sm to do, executive dysfunction, loneliness, it's just insane and I'm so furious. I despise her and i want her to suffer for causing me sm pain !

Иду иду иду, к грядущему дню. Он тоже идёт идёт идёт. Страх, боязнь, что он уйдёт опять. Same thing again, i should feel better, found som1 to help me, som1 i can vibe w/ & I'm still unhappy and focus on the bad insteada da good fml urghhhh. But oh well, Danny boi, go fuck shit up and then some. Relax, calm down, lizard & wim hof breathin, mornin materialisation, manifestin & workin hard on havin reality catch up to u, ur time. Mindfulness, spirit animal, inner strength, i am the voice, I am gonna win.

All i think ABT is vengeance. Still idc abt anythin at all, esp myself. I just want revenge. On her, on the vile world i was forced to live in, suffer in. Revenge for all the torment and pain inflicted upon me. I deserve better and i can get better but every day is an excruciating failure to get to a place where i feel I won't be this way anymoe and find that inner balance. Hell, excruciating pain, misery and suffering is all i feel most days the past years. When i give up desiring happiness more i get it and get a tiny bit of fulfillment. But even moments that r objectively even happy feel gray and boring and uneventful and stale. I have to create a cure for myself, keep fighting, somehow...

Woke up like it's hell again. I feel so awful i can't force myself to be productive at all. Anger, hatred, regret, anxiety, dissatisfaction w/ life. The world is so awful and the majority of days in life are rarely ever not gray... No idea how to live with this. Therapy barely helps, can never do the majority of exercises/tasks I'm given.. i have no idea how I'm still alive, how all these years this is what went on.. how did i survive up to this point even ?! I despise her sm, i h8 the world sm, i just want to find balance, fulfilment, général satisfaction w/ life and b content w/ where i am and how much progress I'm making 2 get 2 where I'd like to be... Alas, that all is just a pipedream...

Can barely believe 6yrs ago i was exactly the same, suffering exactly the same way, same things... Well, i can name them now. I do kno what's been holdin me back all these years. At leas there's that fml... still, It would feel like I've seen, learnt & exp sm yet i barely improved.. this only fuels my anxiety. What if the foreseeable future is even worse ?What if i cannot become strong enough 2 deserve better, deserve sth close enough to my dream life so as to b satisfied w/ the daily gray ? Or just not b affected by it enough and bring abt actual real fulfilment ? How ? Just how ?! How did i let this happen, how was i so weak and ignorant and feeble and broken and sad and fucked up that i...

just jacked off.While listening to our fave peep boi.How could I...have done sth like this?!Addiction as always.An easy way out.An escape.But bruh, them problems still be here m8, u ain't no dealin w em like that...I wish I wouldn't know this. It just makes it worse.When I move out & finally free myself from this,when I'll finally be able stop talkin bout this & live it,the life I want to live,then I'll have em no locks & fear of gettin caught stop me.Yeah,u wish.I rly wish...Buthey! y'all kno this is just a fairytale,instead u oughta say how u r m8.Lemme change myself.I'm a free man,I am not an addict!I do not jack off!If I catch myself doin it again,then itwon'tbeme.We'reStoppinThisDemonNOW