rustyknife

I'm experiencing violent diarrhoea in a McDonald's toilet 20 minutes before my optician appointment, life isn't great at the moment

one of K.'s rats died, and the others don't look good either; we don't even have vets for small pets here

they're not my pets, but it was obviously sad to see, and unpleasant to notify him about it

now I have a tiny corpse in the apartment, and after he's back from work, we're going to bury it

a disturbing reminder of the mortality of all living things

I haven’t been able to sleep normally for 3 days straight because of nightmares and sleep paralysis

I don’t know what’s going on; maybe my brain has decided to release all the anxiety and tension from the 1st semester

my uni is facing terrifying budget losses, and our principal resigned - like a rat abandoning a sinking ship

my favourite eng lit teacher won’t have any hours to teach next semester due to the budget cuts

I still don’t know what the basis for Ukrainians' visa extensions will be or whether I’ll be granted one

K. keeps talking about how we’re inching closer to ww3 every day

I guess these are the reasons behind my struggles with sleep...

the rain has been pouring for a few hours straight, and it doesn’t seem like it’s going to stop anytime soon

I’m drinking Irish cream (the cheap version of Baileys) in bed and feeling so unmotivated to do anything

I’m thinking about skipping the rest of the cleaning and not doing laundry either... maybe I’ll just pack my dirty clothes with the clean ones and wash everything at home all together

I do need to finish "Fun Home" today tho; tomorrow I have to return all the library books in case someone wants them while I’m out of the city

I also need to wash my hair, pack my bags, and try to prepare for tomorrow’s Spanish exam

I got a B on the last one, which is fine, but I want an A

I just found an ungodly amount of black mold under my window frames and almost puked while cleaning it

I never even looked at those spots because I didn’t know mold could grow there!

back in Ukraine, I never had this problem - probably because the air was drier... and in my sponsors' house… I don’t know? maybe the building was constructed differently?

anyway, I wasn’t even able to clean all of it, and now I’m terrified that I’ll have to pay extra for cleaning when my contract ends

I’m already paying double the normal price just because it’s student accommodation, plus I have my own toilet… which is obviously a luxury...

I can't believe December started

I will be 24yo soon

had a kinda productive day, a nice conversation with a friendly woman from Vietnam at my bus stop, then a pint of cider with the mycology society

but on the way back to my accommodation, I was sinking into depression

I hate these mood swings, and I don’t know what triggers them

what did I do wrong today? drank a pint of cider? talked about spouse visas? discussed rent prices?

maybe I’m subconsciously annoyed about K.’s comment regarding me not writing “I” in the phrase “love you”?

I want to drink more - I have wine in the fridge - but I’ll feel terrible tomorrow, and I can’t allow that

I have a project presentation and a long study session, many hours of essay writing ahead of me

I had an extremely productive night yesterday, and I’m in a good mood today, ready to get lots of things done

but I feel like when I’m happy and doing well here, it creates distance between me and K. because he’s clearly unhappy without me

his emotional dependency on me makes me uncomfortable sometimes, but I’m going to enjoy my life while I can; if he feels this way, it’s not my responsibility to fix it, I have enough of my own mental health issues that I can’t fully control

my tooth crown fell out

at 6pm on workday, only one (!!!) pharmacy in the city was open, and they didn’t have dental cement to fix it

I can’t register with a new dentist here because they’re all full (only private practices with crazy prices are available)

it’s not considered an emergency because I’m not bleeding or in severe pain (I won’t feel pain - I don’t have nerves in most of my teeth)

and recommendations say I can’t eat or drink until the crown is back... do they want me to starve?

anyway, I ate and had a beer... tomorrow, I’ll try to ask my uni’s dental department to accept me as a guinea pig and have other students fix my tooth

I hope I don’t lose it

mood of the day: the old lady who walked past me in the park and said, "good day! kind of'"

I've had small red dots and bruises all over my legs for a few weeks now

it either means I'm somehow getting microtraumas without noticing, or I'm in the early stages of blood cancer

choose your fighter

I'm very anxious before travelling, as usual

the first bus coincides with my last class today, and I’m going to tell about that directly and leave the class early

but what's the point of living if you pass up opportunities for new emotions and experiences because of pointless worrying

I’m going to live fully while I can

9:20am on Saturday

I'm alone in the whole university library

I'm SSS

smart sociable sleep deprived

it's a very warm and sunny day

I got a knitting kit from Kt., and she (?) had already started it; it's three cacti in tiny flower pots

I always manage to kill real plants, so maybe I'll be more successful knitting them

decided to postpone making leche frita until the weekend, but I still need to:
1) do laundry
2) do my Spanish homework
3) take a look at my Humanities in Practice assignment, which is due next week

I want some UPF sweets, but I don't have any at home, and my accommodation is so far from any supermarkets that I won’t buy them today either

I’ll stick to apples and wine I have at home (all organic!)

the absence of supermarkets is apparently good for my health

okay, I completed 4.5 out of 7 tasks from my list today, which is already good

I felt autumn vibes today for the first time this year - took lots of photos around campus and plan to create "study aesthetic" posts on my Tumblr

the mycology society meeting wasn't bad; the free food was obviously the cheapest possible, but the 20% discount on all drinks is a nice bonus

tomorrow, I need to:
1) prepare again for the Humanities in Practice workshop
2) do my Spanish homework
3) do laundry
4) probably try the leche frita recipe if I have the energy in the evening

tomorrow is already October

crazy how time flies by

I only have 1 class tomorrow, so I plan to get a lot of other things done:

1) cancel my wine subscription
2) attend the mycology society meeting
3) read ANYTHING on my leisure reading list
4) reply to messages on all my social media and messengers
5) create October pages in my journal
6) post something new on Instagram
7) prepare for the Humanities in Practice workshop

today, I had 4 classes from 11am to 6pm, cooked food for today and tomorrow, and now I’m in the process of doing my nails

quite productive, I guess

I also need to revise my Spanish flashcards and make new ones today

yesterday, I accidentally found a fascinating book in the library called "No Man's Land: Sexchanges"

literally, all of the topics in it are right in my area of interest; now, I just need to find the time and concentration to read it - on top of all the other books in my study programme and my personal reading list, aha

A. has also become interested in puzzles, and now it’s our go-to activity during breaks

today and yesterday, I wore my most princessy outfits because I ran out of clean socks, but I still had clean tights (the cost of laundry is the source of my femininity, ahahah)

I met an interesting guy with a rat tattoo in my Spanish class; we have a lot in common, but he’s probably gay

the workshop went well

on my way back to my accommodation, I bought a 1,000-piece puzzle from a charity shop for only £3; it’s an illustrated periodic table of the elements

I’m far from being a chemistry nerd, but it looks fantastic, and I think I might actually memorise the periodic table by doing this puzzle

to-do for today:

1) make Spanish flashcards
2) do research for the Humanities in Practice workshop
3) declutter my desk to make room for the puzzle
4) do homework for the Spanish module

I can't deal with stupid people

I sent emails with detailed explanations and even screenshots to the lady in the Languages Department, trying to enroll in an additional module; yet, she still thinks I'm referring to module X (which is a completely different module with a different timetable and teacher, despite her having the SCREENSHOTS from the university website)

how is she getting paid if she’s completely unable to do her job

also, yesterday I fell asleep earlier than intended, and this morning I didn’t have time to read all the material before today’s workshop

and I just noticed my white trousers are dirty, and I can’t fix it before class

I'm on the verge of blind rage

woke up very early while all of my flatmates were still asleep (cause it's Sunday); cooked pasta and fish in peace - I love cooking alone

sent emails about additional evening Spanish classes, set up automatic payments for student accommodation, and finally finished the "results of time-blocking" page in my journal

did my nails! I hadn’t done them for a week after getting a bad cut on one of my fingers, the 1st layer is pink, and the 2nd is silver, so they have a silvery look with a pinkish undertone <3

ordered 2 bottles of wine because I got a coupon for 2 free wines from Cellar Rats; unfortunately, they didn’t have the wine I really wanted in stock, so I’ll be searching for it elsewhere

I feel so peaceful sitting in the university park before classes, I want time to stop right here

today, I have classes I feel confident in

during my break, I have infinite possibilities: I could read in the café, put together puzzles in the creative space, go to the library to write a review for my book blog, and so on

after classes, K. will be here because he got a loan for a new car just to see me every week while I’m living in student accommodation

then we’ll go home together for the weekend, and we will have a peaceful night

this is the life I’ve created for myself, although I have no idea how I managed to achieve it, given the shit I was born into

yesterday was a sunny and pleasantly warm evening; I was walking home after spending a few hours reading in the park

a man with the face of a young Zachary Quinto hurried past me, carrying champagne and sweets; he walked up to someone's porch, knocked on the door, and froze, waiting with his hands hidden behind his back

the door opened, and he did a small, improvised dance before revealing the champagne and sweets; I had only seen his back, but it looked like he was smiling

I hope he had a good evening yesterday

this week, I've been pushing my social battery to the limit, and I think I'm learning how to talk to random people in English all day long and appearing enthusiastic about it

occasionally, I really enjoy it

today, at the freshers' mingling event, I exchanged Instagrams with 3 people:

1) a very cute girl with whom I played games at the event (English and creative writing)

2) a girl who reminded me a lot of my ex-friend, which made me feel some dislike, but I didn't show it (English and philosophy)

3) a guy from India who is SO Indian (in a good way), and his legal name is Sunny (which suits him perfectly); he's not studying English, so I won't see him in any of my classes, unfortunately

I finally more or less organised my desk (took me over a week to finish this task)

I made a bowl of spaghetti with pesto sauce, prawns, and cheddar for lunch; now, I’m eating the leftovers for dinner with a glass of Italian white wine (I don't actually have a glass, I'm drinking from the bottle, but who cares)

if you want to cook something easy and delicious, step 1 - have money...

the wine isn’t the greatest, but it's also not my favourite variety; I chose it because it pairs well with prawns, and I had a sample bottle anyway

feeling a bit sad for no reason - maybe because I spent the last two days drinking in great company, and now an evening alone in my room feels a little lonely