rustyknife

I feel like shit

I need to search for a flat for the next academic year and talk to my flatmates about it

I need to do something about a fungal infection (?) on my skin

America is in a fucking mess

I don't even live in America

I started the no-doomscrolling challenge, but so far, it’s only making me more anxious

I had my first pulsating headache in a few months

I often forget to feel grateful for my body feeling okay, but I should

it's a real privilege to live without pain

yesterday, I was so immersed in photos and videos from my dodgeball game that I missed my bus stop

and as if that weren’t enough, halfway home, I realized I had also left my shopper on the bus with the groceries I had just bought

how can I be academically successful yet unable to concentrate on such trivial things at the same time?

a random girl in the toilet complimented my trousers yesterday, and today I'm wearing these trousers again

1) never buy skimmed milk again

2) especially if you're going to make a protein shake with pure whey protein

3) if you've already made a protein shake with skimmed milk, you can fix your mistake by adding Baileys to it

I think somewhere on my health journey, I took a wrong turn...

I was flossing and...

a bit of whatever it was between my teeth just... jumped out of my mouth, reflected from the mirror and went into my eye

and I can't take it out

I want to disintegrate myself

I wake up at 9, have breakfast, count my calories, write notes for a seminar on literary theory, go for a run, do strength exercises, mix a protein shake, commute to university, talk about literary theory for an hour and a half, go grocery shopping, commute home

6.5 hours of my life are gone

now I need to attend a meeting about Ukrainian visas, cook dinner, and do homework for my Spanish classes

I'm just studying, trying to eat healthy and stay active, and it takes up all my time

how do people also have jobs and a social life

I will transition into 2025 in 8 hours

at the moment, I'm walking around town keeping an eye on K. (he's high on mdma)

this year, I started my second higher education and my second official relationship

I also began learning my 4th language and started exercising to become stronger and healthier

so far, it looks like I'm heading in the right direction

please, 2025, don’t fuck me up

I'm experiencing violent diarrhoea in a McDonald's toilet 20 minutes before my optician appointment, life isn't great at the moment

one of K.'s rats died, and the others don't look good either; we don't even have vets for small pets here

they're not my pets, but it was obviously sad to see, and unpleasant to notify him about it

now I have a tiny corpse in the apartment, and after he's back from work, we're going to bury it

a disturbing reminder of the mortality of all living things

I haven’t been able to sleep normally for 3 days straight because of nightmares and sleep paralysis

I don’t know what’s going on; maybe my brain has decided to release all the anxiety and tension from the 1st semester

my uni is facing terrifying budget losses, and our principal resigned - like a rat abandoning a sinking ship

my favourite eng lit teacher won’t have any hours to teach next semester due to the budget cuts

I still don’t know what the basis for Ukrainians' visa extensions will be or whether I’ll be granted one

K. keeps talking about how we’re inching closer to ww3 every day

I guess these are the reasons behind my struggles with sleep...

the rain has been pouring for a few hours straight, and it doesn’t seem like it’s going to stop anytime soon

I’m drinking Irish cream (the cheap version of Baileys) in bed and feeling so unmotivated to do anything

I’m thinking about skipping the rest of the cleaning and not doing laundry either... maybe I’ll just pack my dirty clothes with the clean ones and wash everything at home all together

I do need to finish "Fun Home" today tho; tomorrow I have to return all the library books in case someone wants them while I’m out of the city

I also need to wash my hair, pack my bags, and try to prepare for tomorrow’s Spanish exam

I got a B on the last one, which is fine, but I want an A

I just found an ungodly amount of black mold under my window frames and almost puked while cleaning it

I never even looked at those spots because I didn’t know mold could grow there!

back in Ukraine, I never had this problem - probably because the air was drier... and in my sponsors' house… I don’t know? maybe the building was constructed differently?

anyway, I wasn’t even able to clean all of it, and now I’m terrified that I’ll have to pay extra for cleaning when my contract ends

I’m already paying double the normal price just because it’s student accommodation, plus I have my own toilet… which is obviously a luxury...

I can't believe December started

I will be 24yo soon

had a kinda productive day, a nice conversation with a friendly woman from Vietnam at my bus stop, then a pint of cider with the mycology society

but on the way back to my accommodation, I was sinking into depression

I hate these mood swings, and I don’t know what triggers them

what did I do wrong today? drank a pint of cider? talked about spouse visas? discussed rent prices?

maybe I’m subconsciously annoyed about K.’s comment regarding me not writing “I” in the phrase “love you”?

I want to drink more - I have wine in the fridge - but I’ll feel terrible tomorrow, and I can’t allow that

I have a project presentation and a long study session, many hours of essay writing ahead of me

I had an extremely productive night yesterday, and I’m in a good mood today, ready to get lots of things done

but I feel like when I’m happy and doing well here, it creates distance between me and K. because he’s clearly unhappy without me

his emotional dependency on me makes me uncomfortable sometimes, but I’m going to enjoy my life while I can; if he feels this way, it’s not my responsibility to fix it, I have enough of my own mental health issues that I can’t fully control

my tooth crown fell out

at 6pm on workday, only one (!!!) pharmacy in the city was open, and they didn’t have dental cement to fix it

I can’t register with a new dentist here because they’re all full (only private practices with crazy prices are available)

it’s not considered an emergency because I’m not bleeding or in severe pain (I won’t feel pain - I don’t have nerves in most of my teeth)

and recommendations say I can’t eat or drink until the crown is back... do they want me to starve?

anyway, I ate and had a beer... tomorrow, I’ll try to ask my uni’s dental department to accept me as a guinea pig and have other students fix my tooth

I hope I don’t lose it

mood of the day: the old lady who walked past me in the park and said, "good day! kind of'"

I've had small red dots and bruises all over my legs for a few weeks now

it either means I'm somehow getting microtraumas without noticing, or I'm in the early stages of blood cancer

choose your fighter

I'm very anxious before travelling, as usual

the first bus coincides with my last class today, and I’m going to tell about that directly and leave the class early

but what's the point of living if you pass up opportunities for new emotions and experiences because of pointless worrying

I’m going to live fully while I can

9:20am on Saturday

I'm alone in the whole university library

I'm SSS

smart sociable sleep deprived

it's a very warm and sunny day

I got a knitting kit from Kt., and she (?) had already started it; it's three cacti in tiny flower pots

I always manage to kill real plants, so maybe I'll be more successful knitting them

decided to postpone making leche frita until the weekend, but I still need to:
1) do laundry
2) do my Spanish homework
3) take a look at my Humanities in Practice assignment, which is due next week

I want some UPF sweets, but I don't have any at home, and my accommodation is so far from any supermarkets that I won’t buy them today either

I’ll stick to apples and wine I have at home (all organic!)

the absence of supermarkets is apparently good for my health

okay, I completed 4.5 out of 7 tasks from my list today, which is already good

I felt autumn vibes today for the first time this year - took lots of photos around campus and plan to create "study aesthetic" posts on my Tumblr

the mycology society meeting wasn't bad; the free food was obviously the cheapest possible, but the 20% discount on all drinks is a nice bonus

tomorrow, I need to:
1) prepare again for the Humanities in Practice workshop
2) do my Spanish homework
3) do laundry
4) probably try the leche frita recipe if I have the energy in the evening