rustyknife

what else have I done?
- finished all the laundry
- cooked a healthy (!) lunch
- took a shower

I definitely don't have enough time to do everything on my to-do list before K. gets back

also, I've had unhealthy snacks over the past few days

that's one downside of living with someone who doesn’t fully stick to your diet yet

he buys these snacks, and they’re just lying around everywhere... sometimes, the temptation is too strong

my throat hurts

done for now:
- 1 book review
- 20 minutes of Spanish
- half of the laundry (which I forgot to put on the list)

I also forgot to add cooking lunch and showering to the list (yes, these simple everyday tasks take up quite a lot of my motivation)

I need to do as much as I can before 8, because at 8, K. finishes his shift, and all my attention will be on him

K.'s 8-day holiday starts tomorrow

to be honest, I feel like I should be much more excited than I am

he does so much for me every day - he's literally made me the centre of his life

but I find myself longing for the structured schedule of university, endless study tasks, grocery shopping for only the essentials

that's what makes me feel useful; it's how life makes sense to me

maybe he chose the wrong person

to-do today:
- write two book reviews
- draw a tattoo sketch for Kr.
- at least 30 minutes of Spanish
- make an itinerary for the holidays
- read "The Graveyard Book" / "The Girls"
- respond to all Telegram messages

I did three drawings over the past two days; yesterday, tried VR for the first time

it's very impressive, even though I obviously can't wear my glasses, so in virtual reality, I'm half-blind

despite this, I managed to play a shooting game, although I needed huge targets

I can use VR as a place to train myself to live with my natural eyesight

I'm pleased with myself because I started catching up on my book blog

I'll probably also finish my drawings from last year to add to the book reviews

Sims 4 and Stardew Valley on K.'s computer are a bit distracting tho

I also started a Gaelic course on Duolingo; not sure if I'll stick with it - the spelling is hellish, and to be honest, it's not the most useful language in the world...

I'm sitting in the darkness in the middle of nowhere because my boyfriend is high, and he decided he urgently needs a walk

so we walked for an hour and a half, and now he's stopped because he urgently needs to masturbate

and I'm just sitting on the ground at 2am, looking at the night sky, waiting for him to finish

something's wrong with my life, but in a fun way

I'm trying to find an excuse not to go to my classmate's baby shower

finding an excuse was easier when I was poor, but I'm not paying £40 for one fucking lunch

I got AAB grades in summer school and an A for my English exam

my mother and my partner told me they're proud of me, but I don't have any sense of accomplishment somehow

my graduation is in one hour, I'm sitting with K. in Five Guys, reading "fresh, no preservatives" posters (well, this food is still 100% UPF)

a bit hungry (I won't pay for these edible substances), a bit annoyed

I found a great new true crime podcast to listen to during my walks

it's in Russian, but I can allow myself that since all my books and almost 100% of the content I watch/read/listen to is in English this year

K. motivated me to buy good earphones with noise-cancelling for myself

then we ate Chinese takeaway (which wasn't really good; I think I am genuinely starting to not like UPF), and he fell asleep on my lap

he's so cute when he sleeps (until he starts snoring)

yesterday night, I was so immersed in the book that I couldn't go to sleep

I haven't felt this frantic interest for a long time, and this is one of the best feelings in the world

after I forced myself to go to the bedroom, I couldn't sleep because of K.'s snoring

I moved to the living room to sleep on the couch and, in total, had about 4 hours of sleep

but I feel inexplicably energized; I'm alone at home, I cooked a big breakfast with lots of protein for myself, the sun is shining, and I'm so ready to do a lot of work today!

I've just read scientifically proven information that exercise mostly doesn't affect our weight (but improves our health) if we don't change our diet

what you eat and the amount you consume is the result of your genetics and environment, not your willpower (at least not in the long run)

both my parents have a drive to eat only tasty food, full of sugar and fat, and they gain weight quickly, but they also gain muscles very quickly if they exercise

I probably should exercise instead of trying to cut the amount of sugar/fat if I want to be healthier and happier since weight loss is not exactly my goal

thank you, "Ultra-Processed People"

I feel a sudden urge to start learning German

had a fight with K. during cooking yesterday

the parcel with my clothes is still wandering somewhere

however, my camera has been delivered (used, but in pristine condition), and I already have my first 100 photos on it

I'm waiting for the delivery of a memory card reader to look at them on a big screen, but I enjoy the process of capturing Scottish landscapes so much!!

according to my doctor, I don't have a hernia, just traumatized muscles

K. seems annoyed with me for some reason

we went home, and he's playing games despite the beautiful weather outside

the time-blocking page in my bullet journal looks satisfying so far

beautiful morning, sunny and windy

I sit in a coastal garden and breathe in the salty air

waiting for a call from the doctor to get an appointment time

I chose a camera to buy, used, more or less professional, for less than £200

still don't have my parcel tho

went for a nap and even dreamed about my parcel being delivered

I hate when something gets stuck in my head and I can't do anything until it's resolved (and I can't even do anything about it)

well, I did 30 minutes of Spanish on Duolingo, so I guess it counts

it doesn't feel like real study, more like entertainment, but you still acquire new knowledge; that's why I like Duolingo

I wanted to rest so much, and now after 2 days of rest, I feel useless and weak

I feel like the absence of intellectual exercises is weakening even my body; I still don't feel good

can't go for a walk because I'm expecting a parcel

tomorrow, K. is taking me to the doctor

I'm so grateful for everything he has done for me

I have had a headache for 2 days in a row

K. says it's withdrawals from caffeine because I drank about 4 cups of strong black coffee per day during my studies (even without milk or sweets)

I hope it's just an effect from not consuming caffeine anymore and not something dangerous

I just drank one cup to check if I'll get better after this; don't feel much difference yet, but I'm not going to take a few ibuprofens every day...

it's interesting how, after completing my hardest tasks, I have no sense of achievement

just feel relieved it's finished

I'm exhausted

I suddenly feel better now, just sitting in class, I noticed I have more freedom of movement and less pain

creative class was chill, and the teacher gave us a really interesting exercise

I have so much work to do, but for some reason I'm not afraid anymore

I'm more and more sure about having a hernia

my range of motion is very restricted, and additionally, I'm forced to sit with my laptop doing the last summer school tasks for hours

my spine is also sore because of constant tension; I used to sit in a prawn-like pose all the time

I went to eat ice cream with my flatmates; they're really nice, and I even managed not to talk about my health for most of the conversation

they perceive me as an "older friend" though; today, they said with admiration, "you have already lived a whole life!"

I hope this is not a hint that it's time to die

my period and consuming too much fruit over the last few days caused diarrhea

I also suspect that I have a hernia as a complication of whooping cough

my body regulates itself like clockwork (antique clockwork from the 19th century)

just ate normal meal for the first time today at 6pm

I force myself to be productive and I'm so tired

I found my Eng lit teacher on Instagram and liked her photos and followed her (it was stupid, I know)

she's about my age, bisexual/lesbian, very cute, and once had a match with D. on Tinder (D. told me)

she obviously didn't follow back and closed her account after this

I hope it's just because I'm her student, not because she doesn't like me personally

for some reason, I felt so sad because of it that I even cried (for like 1 minute, but still)

I just received an email from SAAS saying I was granted a bursary and a student loan

how to change my level of motivation from 0 to 100% - GIVE ME MONEY

and also, my period started, so I'm not pregnant woohooooo