Targyn Amangelde

Fulfilled my energy drink thirst with three cans in a row; vomited between 2nd and 3rd. Keeping punishing my body for enslaving me and compelling to do meaningless human stuff; sort of a continuous auto-aggression. Moreover, it has been about a week since I last brushed my teeth.

Sure, this mode of living is severely destructive, sourcing from a childish position that if I regress and become a hobo-cosplayer, then people who long for me, care for me will push the emergency button; as well as bastards will feel roughly ashamed of what they've done to innocent me.

Seducing to think of myself as a saint, but it is strategically more gainful to turn the darkest person ever. In mind, at most.

Got to confess: despite studying eng with a private teacher from my ten years till graduating from high school, I’ve never immersed into it deep enough. Yeah, I think my level is decent for creating an image of pro, but at the same time I reckon my total failure in probable future relocation, when deal comes to real practice and not messing around trying to impress random strangers.

Nevertheless, I recognize the name of the syndrome — the one when you highly undervalue your skills and achievements. This syndrome has always been my leash.

Adding a few life moments: wrote another post in anonymous acquaintances; lesser made feedback, but it’s natural. Having strong urge for energy drinks atm.

Glad (and a little proud) of the decision to transcend to eng. Patterns and colours stay the same as in rus — but, due to my habit to dramatize stuff, it is much easier to overuse rus while pursuing the image of kinda neoclassical artist in neverending existential crisis. In other words, I feel myself as myself while sharing thoughts in eng — since I don't struggle to exaggerate, to fuss, to show-off. Eng seems stylish enough without those ludicrous methods.

Had a night male conversation with old-school Feel.Inc buddies. Therapeutical.

Seems like this one cherry beer was a push to my current soundy mood. This is how alcoholism works, I guess.

Still desperately need to dive in love tho.

Got messaged by V., my first girl, the day before yesterday (if we may count so already). No news for seven years, though she became quite mature and even more good-looking through that time.

Dialogue's been short — told her I'm in Russia for sixth year, found out her mother died in September. Expressed my condolences and the chit-chat was over.

It's funny that we told each other 'happy birthday' all the passed years and never contacted differently. Managed to fantasize how I end my master degree here and delve into her again, continuing my life story in Europe — as well as managed to surpass those nostalgic urges.

She was so depressive and apart, as far as I recall her. Nothing personal.

Okay, perhaps the most convenient time to switch to eng — feels like rus has exhausted itself. Dunno the reason why, but eng feels more sincere than rus, although the first one is not my native and I can't tell ya with the palm on my heart I know it better than rus. Maybe, if I express myself as a foreigner, it will be an enough disguise and'll lead to my recovery from historical break up with S. faster.

Got to accept: I'm a tricky sinner. In the terms of gluttony and despondency, maybe I've mastered them already. Miserable, seeking for the remains of drama, squeezing them from every trifle.

Love won't immediately become my panacea, but it will surely give me some needed light of hope.