хаоСChaos

Ich kann nicht es tut mir weh. Obsessed, huh ? I woulda fkn left peacefully if u helped me n had empathy & actually CARED 4 my feelings & effort & attention, time, resources etc... Instead u LIED ! Nasty bitch ! Invalidated EVERYTHING i did 4 u & made it all senseless & meaningless 😭😭😭😭 2,5men s3e7 🥲 didn't fkn have 2 do me this way. Et mtn j'ai pas d force d tt fml. Il faut nettoyer la cuisine, briser mes dents, me baigner & dormir ffs but i just fkng CAN'T !!!! les émotions avec autant d douleur ! J n l supporte pas d tt 😔 Worst is that the world's so unfair & I'm so powerless & helpless & hopeless 2 bcme strong enough 2 make it fair 4 myself ! & I fkn COULD !!! I've everything i need

Well, there we fkn go. Olives, lava & pebbles & raked leaves & even cooked early somehow & talked 2 Серёга & Эрмилаос & Chantel Гэрмайни грейнджэр & she always gibes me these grand entrances that lady, well thanks 4 her fr 4 being so fkn kind n sweet xd anywhos - I'm doing all good RN kinda & it's 3am again.. Ermilaos asked me 2 wake him up @9 his time... I've no clue how imma wake up myself fml. When he said go to bed i couldn't just like that. I had a while routine 2 go thru.. pmo & discord helping me clean up after eating urgh & now I'm still here dreaming of that fishy smell & that cunt out there enjoying herself that fucking bitch i want her 2 suffer that pos ! How am i getting better ?!

So in the past 2h I've only overcome adhd & existential dread & yada yada etc by a tiny bit. Eeny miny tiny bit. Brushed my teeth, got dressed, had brekkie at 2 fkng pm... Now gotta get my glasses cleaned & cut olive branches off.. awful ik.. also i responded 2 Elena on ig, finally ! Would b gr8 2 ramasser quelques kaki ! Also Damien is coming soon ! Ooooof ! Lmao rmmbr i accidentally kissed Rassen on his cheek a couple days ago xaxaxaxa those french coutumes xddd i just can't. Was frying by the stove & he leaned in 4 the trad greeting & i fd up w/ the positioning & brain wanting 2 about awkwardness by ofc creating more of it ! Aight, then olives ain't getting themselves done on their own !

What has changed ? Chuis tjrs l même garçon qui passivement laisse tt mes problèmes me consumer. Ich kann eigentlich noch mehr, stärker kämpfen gegen revenge bedtime procrastination. If i go to bed earlier i can drop off cv's in the morning, if i pre-cook i get more time the next day for food. If i go to more events i get to have more chances of socialising & MAYBE even finding someone... At least not 2b lonely. Yesterday i did sm:
-herbalife
-écran
-imprimer
-2x hôtel 3*
-2×resto veg
-1 magasin confiture
& Even cooked noodles. Granted i needed HOURS 2 start it & went 2 bed@3 & now it's oh look - magic ! 12:12 i rly want 2 find a way 2 live w/ myself & actually enjoy it somehow...

I'm gr8ful 4 Moe strength this Thursday. N that i pulled thru on fri. Today was a long morning. Didn't wake up, even if i tried. Only now feel like goin on w/ my day but still not quite so sure what will b of it... Life feels so weird. I just keep lookin back & forward. Thinkin of wha was, reminiscing sm craziness and imaginin doin sm moe & perseverin but it's still the same. Wake up l8 BC revenge bedtime procrastination bc unfulfilled bc don't have the strength 2 keep lookin 4 ways 2 feel better & then I don't look, don't feel better, don't do shit 2 improve & continue the cycle & can't get out no matter how much i want to or try. Same shit for a decade or my whole life ? Breathe in strength

Nt sure what 2 do & how 2b tbf. Ingwer fertig, Zwiebeln auch& NOCH Linsen !! Spinat ist 30 oder mehr % Faul geworden & ich bin vlcht nur~halb da :/ wenn's weiter so dann schlage ich was, 3 Uhr nach Mitternacht oder sowas ffs fml aaäaaaaaaargh scheiß Kartoffelfresser ffs !! Wenn's besser wäre.. бляяяяяяяять !!!!!!! Jsp jsp Como todo sobrepasar.. she'll pay tho, i always have that cunt in the back of my mind or at least it comes back often enough every fkn day ffs fml aaaaarrggghh !! Still sm left, this spinach symbolises my life. 'xcept mine won't b clean & Gucci & "meal ready" as easily fml. Sm regret. But fuck it fml w/er - rn I'm dying trying. Back's killing me & I've no massage ~carpet....

I wish i could fkn have som1 to fkn talk 2 ffs fml, the RIGHT typa person ffs fml !!!!! Aaaaasaaaarrrrgggghhhhh !!!!!! It's so fucked uuuuuiiuuuuuuuuuuup !!!!!!!! I h8 it i h8 it i h8 it i h8 it i h8 it ! Faaaaaack myyyy liffeeeeeee faaaaaack !!!!!!! I can't believe I'm in the samefkn situation AGAIN !!!!!!!!! i h8 this PREDICAMENT !!!!!! so fkng powerless i can't do shit Abt it ! Any of it ! Faaaaack, i fkng h8 myself & HER & EVERYTHING ! i want revenge on this whole ass disgusting rotting evil world... It's so unjust, so unfair, so corrupt, so nonsensical, so... I can't even run away &.. fuck. Fuck this shit. Imagine me succeeding... Imagine me being alright.. Imagine me making her pay.

don't want closure anymoe. In career, relationships, purpose/meaning/happiness ~life, w/er i decided i Just want justice & nothing else. The world is unfair& the only way 2 make it fair is 2 do it yourself. Only way 4 me perso is 2bcome strong enough 2 do it or die trying. Rn I'm dying trying BC i can't even fkn go cook for myself xd & it's getting super late. My host wakes up @5 fkn AM ffs.... I start my tasks in the afternoon bc even if i wake up at 9 or 10 i can't start so soon ffs & I'm scared & even if i go to bed at 5 i must wake up at 7 & force myself 2 work. Lately I've been going to bed after 2 or just midnight... Oh well, w/er gotta work w/ what I've got.

I'm doin rly bad. I don't wanna weep again. Bawl my eyes out curled up on the floor but i feel like collapsing sm rn... If only... If only i were strong enough back then.. 2 prevent me bein so weak rn. If only i coulda done it...Now i just have 2 suffer the pain of being weak & powerless while my oppressors punish me and i have barely anythin 2 fight back. Now that i can finally climb the stairs better 2 bcme whom i dreamt of bcmin - I'm weak, my knees bend & i fall.. can't get up, not easily at least. It all collapses under me. The weight above & quicksand below.. this trap of never sufficing, nev3r bein right, never ... That or this way..& then when u do get there.. It's still never enough.

Groggy morning again. Damien is waiting for me 2 come out & help w gardenin. Host may come back soon. I still want a smoothie & I can't go look 4 clothes 2 wear ffs i h8 this !!! why am i like this & why do i only ever c hell ?! i just don't want it 2 b this way anymoe !! i beg u, pls God, save me ! ¿¡¿¡¿¡why why why did u give me that hope w/ my ex just 2 take it all away & remind me that this is nothin but eternal sufferin, wtf did i even do in my past lives 2 deserve so much pain !!!!??!??!!! Lord loves torturing me, eh ? Gotta get up, do all this shit, bcome independent & successful & powerful so that no woman, no person can ever hurt me so bad ever again ! I don't wanna cry sm anymoe😭😭

What should i say 2 myself ? Wha should i do.. it's all rly wrong. Ik what i want & how 2 get it. Exec dysfunction is killin me tho. I haven't looked into moe ways 2 spite it. Pas d choix q de 2 fight on. My spectacles r dirty. Stopped hiding it. Opened P regularly. Why is it always latinx.. i must get guap. Wish it were easier 4 me. Just like that it gets screwed over by my e-dysfunction. Where does that leave me, where do we stand, isn't it cruel, wtf is this meow fmlffs urghhh Vamos pa'rriba tío ! Il n'est pas important 2tt mais on finira. Arthur et les Minimoys ! Terabithia! "¡I believe in magic, we believe in magic!" Power Rangers Mystic Force !

I have 2 get my life back from her claws. J'ai déjà suffer assez ! Necesito salir de esa mierda. Es Enormemente difícil. Cada día, cada pequeña tarea es un desafío enorme. Ich prüfe ganz viel und es ist verrückt. Ich weiß dass am meistens es ist alles in mein Kopf. Aber trotzdem, das zu wissen macht mein Leiden nicht weniger intensiv und schmerzlos. Je lauter & lauter - nix geht besser. K, now I've got viel Angst whoops. I think i was 2 l8 2 wake up early. The host is speaking loudly there. I'm so scared & anxious ffs fml. It's my 2nd week & I'm doing awfully bad. I needa step up ASAP bc I'm so scared 2 fail this probation period, I've no other way out. I fucked up by not getting back ups..

V stressed. L8 w/ Wrkaway tasks & my own. I need sympathy, empathy, commiseration, compassion, LoVe ! Everything i did 4 her i wanted her 2 do 4 me. I want a special magical fantasy world thing that may not exist. I want unconditional love from a woman. This might b biologically impossible. Impossible in this world in more than one sense & or way. I feel like hell despite having gone to the damn maritime alps yesterday, done physical exercise, getting some maybe pseudo semi attention on IG & i don't even fkn know... I want a perfect ideal dream fantasy fairytale love 2 make everythin right for me. I want her 2 inspire me 2 want 2 live & b disciplined in achieving immense success & fulfilment.

Warum soll 3s so sein ? Warum ? Warum immer so ? Wtf... Ich hab so viel.. like wtf how why. Chantel's moved 2 Cornwall.. got a receptionist+admin job at the optician's. Haven't talked in like over a month ? She still excited for me 4 moving sm. I'm not, never enough 4 my brain 2 just simply satisfied, content & happy if objectively I'm in fkn paradise. It's never enough. I'm not changing the world how I want, i don't have my perfect love, i don't have anythin i dream of & if i did I'd prob still b fkn míserable 4 some other reason so what's even the fkn point ? Still i will ALWAYS come up w/ retarded reasons 2 keep goin, just never perfectly disciplined, arduous, industrious & coordinated...

33-immer noch nicht draußen gewesen..nix zum Frühstück xd nix zum Arbeit getan & nix gemacht, einfach die ganzen Tag nix. Aber moment mal, gibt's doch noch was. Vllcht ich koche heute, die ganzen Tag? Oder? Weiss ich net was noch kann ich machen weil gibt's nix zum Essen. Was srsly considering Kys after dr house shorts got me 2 watch the show. How am i gonna overcome AA? Accidentally Saw the guest's tits..fml thought they let me go in ffs.. anyway, tomoro we gon go fungi pickin which is not what u'd expect in maritime alps..Gon go keep cuckin myself & runnin away from livin a better life bc a lil bit o discomfort is gonna kill me. Discomfort now, more comfort l8r is a no no 4 me apparently...

Why did i ever fkn Trust Her why did i ever fkn Trust Her why did i trust her why did u trust her why was i so weak i let myself become a person vulnerable to someone like her why why why... I'm in immense mental pain how am i ever gonna recover wtf... I needed help, i asked for it and i always ever get punished I'm so fucked rn, so fucking fucked ffs fml how am i ever gonna b alright or better if i never am content with just ok and these things from the past AND the future keep haunting, constant regret & anxiety fucking ALWAYS ! I'm never alone, this every present ubiquitous Phantom lingers in the corner, constantly and it always fkn overshadows any faint hint of happiness or anything good

I'm Fkn dying God, pls i beg U save me ! I can't I'll miss my fkn flight, I'm dying real bad rn i can't help it. All these fkn emotions, executive dysfunction, it's all going outta control ffs fml ! I'm having a mental fkn breakdown w/ lil peep in the background, suitcase only half packed, flight in less than 24h I'm so fucked !!! I need help and no 1 is ever there, just fkn explain why tf put me thru all this pain and suffering !?!??!? I need a way out & i can't keep going thru this pain, why was i always so weak?!? Couldn't even ever prevent it bc i was just ALWAYS in this much pain unable to do anything AT ALL 2 get better and all hope is lost & I've no clue when if ever I'll make it...

Pos bitchin abt and botherin me again. Besoffene Sau 🤬 kann nicht mehr, Gott sei Dank dass ich gehe weg ! Bitte, ich bete dass ich muss niemals zurück ! Niemals mit sie wohnen fml ffs es ist so fkn schrecklich ! J'en ai eu assez ! C'est juste trop ! Pos, pofkns ! Trop difficile de se calmer quand des choses vont comme cela et cette pos bothers me so fkn much ! I hope i get my way. I was told i will. Hardly can believe it but at this point i shouldn't ever b surprised no moe, no matter what happens bc this life... Is so fkn insane. I go crae crae. Pce out, may Our Lord b w/ U bud ! Praise be upon U, Lord !

4h... Tt l matin j'ai fait absolument rien ! Q branlé & match monsters & qqs msgs sur TG & WA & rien de plus like wtf how am i gonna even get there if i haven't even fkn brushed my teeth yet ?! How is life gonna go ? Yeah... I'm so fucked.. on the other hand, I am, as always, super harsh on myself. Yesterday at the spot in d forest i told myself it's ok if i fail. If i fail at revenge or any of my dreams. It's fine, nt a big deal. Wat I'm doin now is tryin. Even if it doesn't seem like it. I did respond 2 those damn msgs, i did DO THINGS. As fkd as it all may b, I'm not totally completely fkd. Just mostly fkd.. Alas, such is my fate. Woe is me. & if u step in and make it right, I'll rejoice.

Addicted...Morning starts from my addiction. Nt evn half way thru my old suitcase. Didn't even brush my teeth. Will still go play match monsters now& Nolife away...I can't believe I'm still thinking of how fkd up she was and how fkn much i loved her fucking kitty & what a lying monster cunt she is & what a loser i am 4 falling 4 this shit& being so fucking weak in life i got into a position this vulnerable in life in the first place. If only i got go get my social circles, finances, fitness & mental& special health in check... Some pos smoking again, won't ever let me breathe fresh air ffs.. u look at me & think how tf is he gon get any kinda personal justice in life if he's like that fml.

Been a while, didn't brush my teeth, no bweakfast, just a lousy apple.. Only PMo, barely got dressed, just spent the whole day on match monsters & yt shorts & similar nolifing... I hope to get proper hobbies and actually do shit once I'm working and doing well. Fk that cunt for doing this to me, I've no idea how am i ever gonna find someone to replace her and how can i even trust anyone ever again, given my track record. I'm absolutely unable to get any at all ! Well, i got somewhere, it's a long way to go, still, but we're not yet stopping altogether, now r we ? One tiny step at a time.. wanted to go get lukum but said must brekkie first but bc i need cut an onion - exec dysfunction overload

It's not gettin bttr w/ my exec dysfunction... Morning is hell, alc pos is still infuriatin me, I've no clue how to find strength 2 write the Goddamn letter. And i need to do it in the coming weeks. I'm scared, a bit at least, for how my host will b, how much workload am i gonna b given.. Job, studies, loneliness, strong emotions not letting me go, move forward, get somewhere in life... I wish i reread those papers last summer and confronted her, asked her what she's willing to do for ME ! and realised that she won't do shit für me, I was just kissing that pos's ass.. i h8 that cunt so badly now. I want 2 taste it again tho.. that's it, I've a clear path set in motion.

¡Retribution!

Alcoholic pos disgustin Oma is poisonin the fkn air i breathe when she's close ! Ffs how can that bitch so blatantly lie that pos nasty retard moron immoral wench ! I am so glad i won't b dealing w/ that pos again and God pls never again anythin like that ! How many moe fkn pos will u send me ? Why do u force me to suffer always, just fkn WHY ?! Barely finished sortin those papers today. No idea how imma keep goin. Only 5 fkn days left fml amd i barely got to packin my suitcase and tomoro is fkn TUESDAY AAAAARAARRRRGGHHGRGRHRHRGRGGHHHHHHH FAAAAAAAAAACK DAAAAAAAAAAMN IIIIIIIT BOB SAGETT !!!!!!!!! now that nasty wench is whisperin loudly and smackin talkin to herself that alcoholic moron !!

Back, back at it again. Full force, someone actually listened to me. Told me not to do it. If in the coming months i won't b able to... I will at least write her a physical letter fml. i will ffs ! I just can't anymore, i despise her, I'll force her 2 talk to me. I want her to respond to every point i make. I want her to pay.idgaf ABT everythin else in life FML ffs smh ! Idc, i just don't. I despise her & i desire a way out. I will fight and will win and succeed ! This will b the way ! Nothing else matters, u will all fall beneath me, pale in comparison ! Justice will b brought abt ! The right, the might,i'm making this fair ! Right fucking now i can't even cook, but i will channel the energy

Faint again but it's there... U wish u could but u were the 1 to fuck up this badly, I'm now paying the price. I wish i were stronger 2 fight more but I'm exhausted. Mentally it's too draining, way 2 draining. I just can't yet sm is still 2 b done ffs fml... I can't like that, it's hell. I wished for a different outcome. I cried 4 u & u made fun of me. I despise her now. I truly do, i must channel all this hatred into power, power to destroy her. I'll be back 4 u, u hay fkn cunt, lol stoopid bitch, I'll get u & u will regret ever being a heartless cruel monster to me. I'll force u & I'll punish and I'll give u all the pain back, a gazillion times over u nasty cunt ! U will SUFFER !