°•★🐈✭°💞🧩

I want someone to bend me over a table and fuck me hard

Noticed a lightweight attitude to myself, seems to be a variant of an infantilism. I don't try to form a final opinion, I often make it clear that my opinion is not to be taken seriously, shifting the responsibility for verifying my opinion to whoever else is involved, and a blind certainty emerges that they are more qualified than me to make a decision. There's an underlying fear of being blamed and scolded for a mistake and for possible grave consequences.

Also, when someone authoritative says I'm wrong, I instantly change my mind without thinking thus remaining a weathercock.

Been watching the omnipresent background nox. At first, nox strengthens because I add nox for nox to it - a 2nd level nox of sorts. There’s an illusion of sincerity, a confidence that by self-loathing I’m soberly aware of my shortcomings. If I still don’t remove attention and go on observing despite the discomfort, a noticeable relief soon comes, nox withers greatly, and a pleasant clarity emerges: I myself choose to support this nox, it’s not something obligatory or independent from my own will. However, I still can’t grasp why do I support nox or why does it feel so attractive, it’s all covered with a strong shell of insincerity.

I’m in a Georgian taxi. Inside there are:

- Orthodox icons: 7
- Georgian flag: 1
- wooden crucifix: 1
- working A/Cs: 0

Georgians are afraid of car A/Cs, they think A/Cs cause illnesses. They don’t even know how to operate an A/C properly. So, they all drive with windows opened, inhaling dust and exhaust gases all the time. They despise those like me who ask to close the windows.

Georgian girls are strikingly beautiful, however, in most cases their faces are contorted by bitchy grimaces.

Из последних раскопанных увер - "нельзя устранять страх, я буду наказана на это".
.....
I developed a severe anxiety this year, which resurfaces in certain situations. And I still don’t know how to deal with it. Every time I try to determine it’s nature, a “good girl issue” comes in mind. Who could do better, be better, but didn’t and that makes me somehow really “bad and unworthy”. The idea of eliminating that fear feels faulty. A good girl must be afraid of what she is doing, of being herself. No matter that I do feel I would love myself more, let I myself be who I am. Probably loving myself feels faulty too. But it shouldn't.

#языки
endearing - привлекательный (с оттенком умиления), “кавайи”
inspiring love or affection.

the baby ducklings are endearing: lovable, adorable, cute, sweet, dear, delightful, lovely, charming, appealing, attractive, engaging, winning, captivating, enchanting, beguiling, winsome; Japanese kawaii.

Rather dull day. Got sick and spent the whole day soaking everything paper-like in the area with my runny nose eruptions. The good thing about being sick, one of the few things I like, it that I start to feel more. Colors look more vibrant, stray of cold air in my face feels more fresh and almost like it's caressing me, music gives me goose bumps easily.

But in general in was one of the wasted days, the kind I don't like and in the end of such days I feel like I've betrayed myself. I also feel very irresponsible after few hours of such insomnia when I do something really boring and mechanical, and start to believe that it's not up to me to stop and change what I do.

Shogun. Unexpectedly Japanese girl, the loved one by the main character (Blackthorn) gave him a high class geisha as a gift. She was married and couldn't have sex with him herself. It's kinda hot scene. Although they dont do anything sexual. Just laugh, joke - three of them.

Geisha and Mariko, the girl, are getting found of each other. Geisha understanding everything without being told and promising to pleasure Blackthorn for Mariko. If not for oppression of women back there in Japan, I would think it was great. Clavell pictures them as really pragmatical, non-jealous, open about sex.

I don't know how thorough he was in his narrative about Japan in 1600. But I guess he aimed to be thorough.

this day feels truly wasted. Spent most of it playing, the game started to feel boring since the mechanics or the story are not that interesting and the major awesome thing about it is the gryphon himself. Watched movie, time killing in VK. Work - 0, partially because of the period (used it as an excuse to skip work). By the end of the day read and recapped 2 articles from Genetics.

The Dutch guy keeps writing me somewhat unusual questions and I noticed that in spite of being flattered I also feel very reluctant to answer. Digged a bit and found out that I despise him cos I think he's stupid. Strangely made me feel enthusiastic to get rid of this contempt. Eliminated it a couple of times.

Two hours passed and I'm still exhausting myself with boredom. There almost was a break point when I wanted to start to eat a lot but managed to stop. Those are almost the worst states of those I've even experienced and there is no reason for them at all which makes me even more depressed.

2-3 episodes of The BBT. Listening to the animal sounds. Watched random animal videos on youtube, gives me laugh and relief. Feels stupid to suffer from boredom, like why the hell won't I do something interesting? Apparently I underestimate the destructive force of boredom and treat is just like the side effect of lack of interests but actually it's a disease itself.

Все та же книга: “Posit Science is also working on visual processing. As we age, we stop seeing clearly, not just because our eyes fail but because the vision processors in the brain weaken. The elderly are more easily distracted and more prone to lose control of their “visual attention.” Posit Science is developing computer exercises to keep people on task and speed up visual processing by asking subjects to search for various objects on a computer screen.”

Нашла разработанное ими приложение http://www.brainhq.com. Похоже на люмосити, но с первого взгляда более детализированное и задания более разнообразные. Хочется купить такое на год попробовать.

“According to Merzenich, shoes, worn for decades, limit the sensory feedback from our feet to our brain. If we went barefoot, our brains would receive many different kinds of input as we went over uneven surfaces. Shoes are a relatively flat platform that spreads out the stimuli, and the surfaces we walk on are increasingly artificial and perfectly flat. This leads us to dedifferentiate the maps for the soles of our feet and limit how touch guides our foot control.”

Еще: разные подпорки-трости для сохранения равновесия в старости ускоряют процесс деградации нейронов, кот так не тренируются.

Про хождение босиком клево. В Корее в каждом парке есть спецтропы из разных типов камней для этого.

“Finally, Merzenich discovered that paying close attention is essential to long-term plastic change. In numerous experiments he found that lasting changes occurred only when his monkeys paid close attention. When the animals performed tasks automatically, without paying attention, they changed their brain maps, but the changes did not last. We often praise “the ability to multitask.” While you can learn when you divide your attention, divided attention doesn’t lead to abiding change in your brain maps.”

Doidge “The Brain That Changes Itself.”

Walked on streets of Kiev, then got to a place with decent atmosphere and steaks. Quiet and gloomy place, no one is bothering me, I'm left to myself, my smartphone and a piece of medium well ribeye.

Finally, Tinder got some love. Everyone of my matches got the same message today, because I stopped caring. Maybe that's a good thing. Someone even replied.

Played "Life is Strange™" Episode 2. The game feels like a life I've never had.

Random thoughts. I'm long withdrawn from people, and, eventually from life itself. This is strange, though, that I can talk to anyone on the street, like, literally, and still I'm living like they are not even here. Alone. My choice though, always my choice

Bangkok is a lousy place. But it contains number of triggers - certain imprints of streets, smells, places where I used to live - that make me remember how happy I was here. Just being among all that makes me elated again. Like a factor that triggers that same emotions I used to experience here before.

Funny thing - no matter how uncomfortable a place is, if I was happy there, it can trigger happiness again and again. Meaning - anything can be that trigger. Any shithole can actually be that ‘enlightened factor’. So Bangkok again.. Doing nothing is a great occupation. Trying to make the most of it while I can. Today I am good at it. All worries about me being obliged to do smth are gone now.

It is probable that I see the pattern again - one day in elated mood, one in low. It is my usual pattern for the periods when I try to select positive emotions and eliminate negative ones. Sequence of rollbacks. Today is the elated one.

Tried to cure myself while half-asleep in the morning. It became a habit lately - thinking about something that triggers anticipation and imagining that the body will be very fit and healthy. Because it wants to live, anticipates that moment as well.

Sunny morning is great. Like I can feel and smell all tiny pleasures of being alive. I can understand what I want - that's a step forward.

Recently, I started to watch gay porn. I like to watch the men who substitute the ass for fucking, sucking dicks, moaning, sit on the dick. In such porn men are more emotional than in heterosexual porn. In conventional porn almost all the attention is on the girl, but I lack the emotional men.
That's why I have only 4th dao now ;)

Изотопы кислорода — это разновидности атомов (и ядер) химического элемента кислорода, имеющие разное содержание нейтронов в ядре. Природный кислород состоит из трех стабильных изотопов, из них изотоп кислород-16 является наиболее распространенным (99,762 %) изотопом кислорода.
Его преобладание объясняется тем, что он образуется в процессе термоядерного синтеза, происходящего в звёздах.
Большая его часть образуется в конце процесса слияния гелия в звездах.

Человек не может быть гетеро-, би- или гомосексуален. Он либо сексуален, либо нет.
Мадонна

Проснулась, валяюсь.
Приятно думать о бизнесах всяких, о тренировках сегодня.
Планов мало, так что напихаю в оставшийся день всякого разного. Хуй например.