Безіменний

With us since September 11, 2014

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Loneliness.
Not of command, or responsibility, but the sheer inability to talk to someone senior with enough trust.
It is finally getting to me, among my life being in shambles, ongoing professional crisis, and the guilt of not contributing enough to the war effort, and things.
I honestly want to die, to just cease to exist for the first time in years.
To just end it end to hell with the consequences.

I am more privileged than most, but so what?
I remember my last "normal" days in life and I and wish I had made the different choices -- without fully understanding them even now.
But then I realize that along the privilege, I held a curse to my name.
And then I just want to quietly off myself.

February 01, 2024 01:57

Fuck me, <censored>, how do you think, would a young lad that got through years of suffering long desperately for something that would just _end_ it?
Not something that would bring happiness, normality, not something that would make things better -- just _end_ it.
A numbing symptomatic treatment, especially when there's no viable alternative, either it or trying to survive the old way.
When you burn, you don't think about mortgage plans, psychological trauma or career -- you only can think about how to _stop_ burning.

I was on my very last legs those days, I don't rightfully know how much time was left but not a lot.
I was descending into madness long before the cursed 2014.
I just forgot.

January 13, 2024 04:25

What will become of this year?
I think nothing overtly good, we will be lucky if we will get past some really nasty shit like the partial foreshadowing collapse of the Western Civilization as we know it.
I try to escape as hard as I could, not able to do things, not able to change things.
My escape is turned into a curse, and my very unfortunate cold is keeping me at home, not able to see the green island world of so far lingering normality.
I want to get out and escape even more in the simple motions of driving, stillness of the winter gardens and the roar of the ocean at the cliff edge.
Another year a lot of us will be lucky to simply survive.
We made it. Now we suck because of it. Simple.

January 03, 2024 00:24

OK -- last days of December again.
What can I say?

Depressive.
Is it really the end of the second year of the war with no end in sight?
In the island capital city center, where there were the Ukrainian flags last year, now everything is riddled with the palestinian terror-state flags.
Trump is about to get presidency again and destroy the US as we know it, and it's not even Trump who is a problem as the republicans as a whole are choking Ukraine support over domestic issues.
The Western civilization and society, as it looks to me, had lost the will to live, choked down in the multiculturalist tolerance and the sense of guilt. Now, if they don't wake up, they will know the real suffering.

December 21, 2023 01:54

I can't sleep again,
And there is a faint light in the window
Of my personal jail
With a view on the streets
(Sudno)

Flashbacks.
I write here sitting in the Discord voice chat, listening to the lads chattering, and it dawns on me again.
It's 2007, and I'm standing on a pier with the lads, watching them practicing the drown-and-rescue exercise. They are happy and chatty, basking in the rays of the fleeting summer.
Myself, on the other end -- I am not.
I can't fathom what I'm doing among them, although I'm perfectly accepted and valued -- I'm but an alien.
I turn away and stroll towards the City -- not to see most of them ever again.
"My personal jail with a view on the streets"
I've built it.

August 26, 2023 22:38

Left hand is still numb
Left side of the face as well.

I was mowing my lawn, the heartburn felt very sudden, and the numbness followed quickly.
It was on Monday, and now is Wednesday.

Honestly, I'm mulling around letting it play out, after all it's what I want, isn't it?
Or is it?

I can't really pin any role on myself, even that of a self-destructive middle-aged card-carrying moron.
Maybe it's better to let it stop the natural way.

But then I think about those who will regret my passing and I suddenly feel angry and unfulfilled.
That, and not wanting to die just yet.

Silly of me, truly.

August 23, 2023 17:02

I burn down.
Sometimes slowly, sometimes as fast as gasoline fire spreads, leaving only burnt out terrain in its wake, but it's the perennial nature of it that scares me the most.
"Tea, cookies and slow decomposition" -- the keyword was "slow".
It's not slow anymore.
It's fast as if you're riding the waves of your own destruction.

I feel like I'm back somewhere in 2016 but with less time to spare.
I was supposed to be retired quietly, rotting almost alone on an island full of green, not this.

It's the feeling again -- you're surrounded by walls whenever you go, and they are slowly moving towards you.
At some point they are going to crush you.
And I pray that I do'nt hear my own crack.
I do.

August 11, 2023 11:01

I wish it was different.
I wish we could have been whole, I wish I never had those partial information games and the life full of some weird shit.
But it was pre-decided way out there.
I had no chance.
We had no chance.

It's so ironic I really understand it only now that all of the dies are cast.
I have no real purpose, no real meaning, no real life, forever lost in variances of variances of variances &so on..
I'm falling, falling, falling on those sharp rocks under me, trailing smoke from under my shredded wings, and it seems that the fall lasts like forever.
But it does not.
Once I reach the ground level, the landing time will come.
And only time will tell whether I will walk away from it.

July 25, 2023 02:00

I had no chance.
Truly.
I was robbed of many things by the people that I now feel the obligation to support and even somewhat revere.
I truly had no chance, being an outcast, an exile at my core because it's what I was being taught to be.
Decades later, a grown-up version of me reluctantly gives up on the dream of fixing it all.
Decades later, a grown-up version of me is a hermit, living alone in the darkness of painful thoughts.

I am still in a cage made by my own mind, that mimic the teachings of those I hate.
I shiver thinking about the possibilities if only I would have followed them.
When I die I would really like to have a chat with the Devil.
If He would care enough to chat, that is.

July 13, 2023 22:46

It hurts.

July 09, 2023 00:53

Each day is like a creepy nightmare,
I'm ripping off the layers of emptiness,
I'M GOING TO...

The Awakening.
I'm not going anywhere.
And this track is hard to even find today, although it reverberated through crowds of people a decade ago.
As if this timeline is not fully the continuation of the one I lived through.
I would not have been very surprised to learn that it's actually the Gods-honest truth.
The memory of a generation was erased, twofold, without replacement.
We're hollowed-out shells, doing shit of all kinds and forms.

Long ago, when I was young, I didn't think that it would come to this.
Now I cannot fathom the emptiness that it left in us.
As if we were dead already.
Bullshit.

July 05, 2023 01:19

In and out.
In -- and out.
The days got brighter, the music got darker.
I lost myself in more ways than one.
It's like I'm way younger and trying to invent an adult me of the pieces of my childhood that's already past me.
And failing -- so far.
My plans went to shit in more ways than one.
I will curse myself for the rest of my life for the things I did (or rather did not or did less) this year.

I'm back to the state when I want to drink. I want to drink myself to oblivion, just like in 2010 when I had plans to make some money just to live a year in a heroine bliss, and overdose and die when the stuff runs out.
Maybe in the end it would have been much better that what had transpired, Lahesis

June 30, 2023 00:38

Procrastinating, listening to the sad tracks, trying to find myself in the world and all.
I can't.
I am so lost I can't realistically put any role on myself.
Professional crisis that coincides with the personality one, not a black swan or a perfect storm, but a powerful combo nevertheless.
I needed to get out, fucking get out of the weird games I played back while it made sense.
Then I probably would have been dead, but happy.
That's what I always portrayed myself somewhere between 30 and 40 y.o.

I'm not the one that can live in peace with my ghosts. They will come for me, they will humiliate me, they will rip my throat and I will drown in my own blood-- only to wake up again.
And again.
And

June 23, 2023 10:50

Every time I try to stop thinking in russian forever, a little kid appears in my head.
"Please, don't kill me" -- he screams. And I would have ignored him readily, but he makes sense, because that kid is my 1x old self.
A tragic situation, truly, for that lad was not inherently bad or something, he just was there, in the wrong time in the wrong place. I spoke about the necessity to isolate and, if needed, to destroy the russians, but I faltered when my past self pleaded me for mercy.
That's why I always say about the generations needing to die. My generation needs to die off before that particular cancer is defeated.
Truly death is a tragedy to an individual but a huge benefit to societies.

June 21, 2023 08:12

Looky here.
_Those_ people are forever gone.
You would never get that chance, you would never have that conversation, you would never watch that person do the things you so much liked to observe.
It's all gone. They're all different, You're different. Life is a cruel, pitiless, vengeful bitch.
The conservative in me wants to flake stones and make ropes out of animal skins.
The progressivist in me wants to escape to the fucking space and use atomic energy to solve all the human solvable problems.

Meanwhile I procrastinate, and work shitty jobs, and try to forget about things and stave off decisions...
Now I will go to sleep and then I will try to do the boring, necessary stuff I'm so bad at.

June 19, 2023 01:04

I would've chain-smoked one after another, wanting the smoke to take it all away.
I would've drank like a maniac trying to get rid of the faces of those he coldly murdered.

It's past midnight, we're sitting on the granite porch of some building, pretty boozed, relaxed and so fecking young.
I look into your eyes and you look back at me, your eyes the pair of void pistol bores, staring into my soul.
They flash, those eyes, and I'm instantly done for.
We had pretty crazy stories, even then, at those early times before we were twisted and taken away from each other by the implacable forces or fate.
We had it in us, right, Lachesis?
Right?
The smooth rustling of the island wind is my only answer.

June 06, 2023 02:30

A trip down the memory lane to my guilty pleasures.
Slowed down track of a traitor to things dear to me.
In 2006 there were a lot of things that seemed off. Different
We vehemently opposed those things that we later would support

I remember. I remember the weight of the knife on my hip, the heat of the June sun in the mountains, the conference center where we planned our little expedition..
It's all gone now. I would not be like those fat old farts from my childhood that were forever devastated by their world gone forever.
Mine isn't.
It's just changed, it's always, forever changing, and the gardens planted a century ago would not resemble the ones we see today.
Only the gardeners persevere.

May 02, 2023 01:31

Those people didn't mean harm.
Those people did say all the right things, did try to be the right ones in the right places.
They were just so few.
Few are never remembered in history before the many.
They were overpowered by the sheer masse of pure evil, and now they're bitter exiles, like I was once upon a time, and no one sympathizes with them.

Because they said the right things in the evil tongue, and promised the future goodness of the evil race. and they didn't mean harm. but they did it in the end.
Result>intention.

But I still cannot force myself to dislike some of the songs on YT music.
I am part of this cancer myself.
And that's why I want to be alone and away, decomposing quietly.

April 19, 2023 02:07

Fuck the cosmonautics day.
In the end, the Soviet space thought and school was just a dead-end, doomed to become what it had become.
Nuff said.

April 12, 2023 21:08

In the middle of the war, I picked it up.
Trying to understand who I am.
I was in pieces even before the war had started, and I was so much so that I really made a pivot in my life comparable with the ones in 2013 and 2007.
I want to be alone, lads.
I really want the world to forget about my existence, being alone, playing old and new games.
Tea, cookies and slow decomposition -- my motto from 2015 was never so on-point.

But I am caught up in the job I am starting to fucking hate, I am caught up in other things, nothing as sinister as say 2015-2018 but I'm so fucking tired, of it, dear Universe.
I slept for the whole day yesterday, stating a sick leave, and I kinda want more.
Won't get it =(

April 12, 2023 11:52

I tried to compose something but I just cannot, it isn't here in me anymore.
The 1st 9th of April in years I didn't write here about ya.
Maybe I said whatever I could, maybe it's just so long gone I cannot say anything anymore.
Maybe I'm just tired after an eventful day.
At any rate... I'm sorry for everything, c**d.

April 09, 2023 23:18

...that you've read and I know it
I'm sorry, I told them all of it.

I never ever again wrote anything completely honest from my name.
Actually, no, I did -- but only during short moments of not understanding where I was and who I was.
Guilty pleasures taking my mind again.

The best day would never return.
Those days in late May and early June were a bliss. A real bliss, the only time I really knew that for real, I have a chance to be normal. I started to look and feel as if I were normal, albeit a bit mainstream, and, first and foremost, happy.
I only recently realized that I only told about it to one person, and very recently.
After that time I was too far gone.
And now I am but a shadow.

April 05, 2023 00:53

Another night when I want to scream at my memories.
Now on more levels than ever before.
I would've liked to smoke, but I quit years ago, although I didn't even start for real. I only have one bad habit and it's coffee and energy drinks.
That and sitting at night mourning my memories.
Screaming at the silent walls of my home office.
Then I almost come to my senses, and a dry cough rips me apart.

March 21, 2023 03:05

The better days would never go back.
This song is playing loops in my head, just like the "This fucking summer" was in 2020.

I thought that one of my best achievements in life was staying alive in one of the harder periods of it.
Now I am not so sure.
You know what, the guilt would be with me forever. I was __that__ kind of man, I know it for sure.
I was that kind of man, I could do certain things better than others, but I chickened out, I was lost in conflicting loyalties, shady dealings of shady powers, career development and overcompensation, and when I emerged on the other side of it I saw that

I could have lied dead with a clear conscience now, but all I am left is a sense of guilt

March 08, 2023 00:29

Spit out those words.
Spit it out like if those were vomit.
I slept for most part of the day, then I drank some and I woke up.
I ended up in one of the bad(here I wanted to erase it all) better(here again) best (and here) situations.

I am repeating the fate of my ancestors, only on a new, somewhat crazy level.
Would anything I had ever done matter in the end?
Probably not but honest to Gods, I tried. Maybe I just tried not enough.

I was probably given a choice, after all.

Summer of 2014, we are sitting in a café, the sun kissing the black tarmac of the street.
She goes to our table and asks one simple question, that I try to answer. My date is extremely irritated of that fact.
Bullshit.

March 05, 2023 03:35

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