SadFrog

That day... was such a great opportunity for meeting a girl. She asked for direction of the bus stop, and after that she headed to the same direction as mine. Perfect girl, perfect smile, perfect moment - such moments happen very rare - when it is just natural to speak. But I pulled in my headphones and increased my pace instead of talking. Shit, that was the most stupid deed you can only think in situation like that.
besides that, worked, attended seminar, got 5. Wasted time the rest of the day.
Want to share hate towards the social cult of children. That look of the girl at work, peering at the child, doing stupid things and lamenting - eyes full of tenderness. WTF, guys? So unnatural.

So called debauchery, descending of birth and gradual extinction of humanity is a natural process, the final destination of human`s evolution, of the society. Even now we see that the most progressive nations have big problems with birthrate, when individualism is the greatest value. The most elaborate people understand that there is probably no god, and even if it exists, then there is definitely no meaning of human`s existence. Life itself is beautiful, but there is no point in creating new life, because the value is not outside, but inside human`s mind. So gradually more and more people will be just living and then dying, reducing the amount of people.
Worked, ate, slept.

What is harder - to finish your life, or to change yourself? Through the years gradually it`s getting less and less obvious.

Woke up. The weather is good - melancholic, dusky, but warm with that little moisure in the air - very refreshing. The last weekend, the last day of my sister's staying here. Tomorrow work again.
Mood is not bad - just hollow. Not sad, not happy. Probably my body is tired of those meaningless emotions that never get any respond, so now everything returns to it's usual condition. Excellent way to live through all the working days, full of obligations - just skip them, not registering them in the memory.
Actually, no. I dreamed of emotions, I don't want to lose them. Need to find a new source. Maybe handgliding? It is hard decision.
Ok, need a meal, then decide what to do.

Rewatched "Into The Wild". The film is overfilled with melancholic musing freedom - all those sceneries, landscapes, interactions - all tied together by an outstanding projectionist`s job and great music. I watched it before, but it is never redundant to see at such a great human another time. Despite he died in the end, the film is positive - after all he died, making his own deeds and his own mistakes chasing his dream. To see the beauty, to break through the shell of civilization, to build the temper. Just great.
Tomorrow is the last weekend. I haven`t even noticed how they passed, besides, I generally don`t have any pleasant memories of them. Just passed. As always, I`m in a swamp.

Ok, great, she keeps averting answering on my sort of straightforward questions. Need to ask it when I next see her. But what the hell, she can`t unnotice those questions, and if she averts them, then she probably sees the message in them, the main point. She doesn`t want to answer and clarify my doubts. But she doesn`t reject me completely - she still agree to spend time with me. So she just likes to do an interesting actions and I`m personally not interesting for her, or what?
Anyway, had enough sleep, the weather is not bad - dusky but warm... for november. Have a breakfast of two sausages, couldn`t find the mustard. Need to study something and decide where to go.

Another day has passed. Full of pleasant moments, which were generally planned, so that made them not so pleasant. As I told, you can be happy only when you see the feedback from your actions. Today it was generally artifitial - nevertheless the weather has managed to put a pinch of life into that undertaking.
So, today was an excursion, planned by my mom and organized by an agency. Photos, sheep-like movement, all that stuff. And still such things as road, river, snow, wind - they don`t change because of the artificial excursion, so it was sort of great, yeah.
Haven`t done anything useful today, but I have an excuse - no time.
Had a chat with her. She avoids my questions - is that an end?

Went swimming to the pool. Physically feel great, so that physical strain cleared my brain for a little bit. Sister has already fallen asleep, but I`ve got plans - need to write down the beautiful situation, as I told earlier. Apart from that I still have nothing to say.
About her - I need her, yes, I want to see her, but I can`t afford to humilliate myself in front of her. I can see quite clearly that she doesn`t need me and doesn`t make any efforts to make a dialogue with me. Then my constant attempts to maintain the dialogue seem just pathetic. N oone need that - neither she, nor me. So fuck that, later I will ask her out, if she rejects - then I wll never bother her again.

Went to the museum with my sister. Russian`s grand layout, or something like that. The conversation is pretty easy with my sister, I feel free and can speak of everything, the museum was great too, the technical part with all those railways, roads, cars, buildings with it`s diversity made it so beautisul, as those dreamy pictures in vk publics. Why then do I feel so miserable? The day was not bad, but constant feeling that I`m not moving forward, that I`m in stalemate never deserted me. And Anna...
Need to watch an interesting film with sense and write about it. Or create some kind of beautiful situation and write down all the details and atmosphere. I`ll do it that night.

Morning. Met my cousin (sister) in the railway station. Went to work, spent here the day till the evening, then attended the handgliding lecture. After that had a trip around the night city. So, that`s it. Pretty saturated day, from the first sight, but at the end I don`t have too many emotions left. On the work most of the time I`ve been pretending like I`m working. The rest of the time I was thinking how I need her and how impossible are my dreams. In any case she doesn`t need me, I`m boring. What should I do? Maybe just ask her what does she feel towards me straightforward? It just can`t get worse.
Also, those guys from handgliding are trully awesome. Such an atmosphere, such sincerety!

There were so many things to say during the day, but now, in the evening I feel nothing but apathy. Probably because I`ve been sleeping too little recently, or maybe it is because I`m nothing for her. I`m not a subject, I`m sort of circumstance that changed the environment of her couple times. But such events are usual for her, they don`t touch her, and I`m just another guy in her list of transient acquaintances. Really, I can`t blame her for that, I`m the one to blame.
Just better go get some sleep. What if start doing handgliding?
Today...worked... or have been looking how my boss works. After that I was so glad to visit university - all those familiar faces!
Saw the stars on my way home.

Why does every achievement in my life is an achievement with clause, with asterisk. All the time - "finally I have managed to do that thing! But..." Fucking weakness.
Today work was as usual. Wanted to call debtors - haven`t found enough strength. Now I`m trying to decide - whether I should go to bed or to do something useful. Everything is so boring. Have tried to write to a couple of girls, who seemed al little bit interesting. The conversations have trailed off after the first message. Better go and make the pizza, the one frozen from the shop. At least I have a pizza.

Nails... Why do women like to cover them with enamel? Suddenly I noticed that when I see a woman with plain nails, I consider her much better than the one with long and enameled nails. Like if she has the plain, beautiful (even if they are ragged) then she is open and sincere person, who loves the world and longs for living. I know, that`s stupid, it is just my aesthetic opinion. Or maybe it contains it`s logical grain?
She doesn`t respond. And I can`t stop thinking of her. Well, I`ve dreamed of that - now I have no right to whine. Anyway, Last night have slept for two hours. And again sitting with a can of energy drink.
That summer will resign and buy a scooter. Or go to army.

Aaa, fuck, I`ve spoiled another Sunday! Nothing useful have done, nothing interesting have happened. Really, what have I been doing all day? Tried to learn the words, a bit grammar - for about 1 hour total, went to the shop for crisps and energy drink, played with friend (2 hours). And... the rest - I don`t know where is all that time! Ok, I`ve got a couple of hours more. To waste.

Awesome day. As always, day spent in action is awesome. Especially with her. Being friends is not good, they told, but I by myself wanted to fall into that kind of relationship - at least now I do have emotions. Today - it was cold and warm, fun with a little pinch of sadness, sincerity with a piece of covert untold sense. The lake was beautiful, so was the lighthouse.
I know, tomorrow it will be awful to recall that day, sitting all alone as always. It is like a drug. How hackneyed does it sound...
The night is long. Thanks to our king I have an additional free hour. Better play the guitar. Poor neighbours. And japanese, of course.

Worked, been at the revision of the house. Pretty funny thing with all those owners shouting and demanding something, huh. Been at the one old man`s birthday - was sort of fun with lot`s of arguments, hatred and mutual respect and... awful food. Anyway, the day was fine. Today I don`t have anything to say, even my usual lamenting.
Besides... Again have big troubles with motivation. I haven`t been studying Japanese properly for a week, and that continues for a month or so, which means that I`ve ruined my plan to pass the N4 exam this december. Wanted to prove my abilities, but gave up. The same as always.

Today I will write to her again. Can`t force myself to stop doing that - at least a couple of messages. How pathetic I am! But THe important condition - I will write to a couple unfamilliar girls first. Probably it could help.
Today is still friday, which means I still have to go to my job. Now I`m starting to realize how stupid is it, that my obligations don`t even supposed to be interesting, important and mind-straining. Just a typing machine. Never mind, I will leave when I pass the practise in university.
What can I do to break through the wall of comfort zone? And diversify my life? Concerts? Walking? Events? All by my own? I can`t make it. I`m in the stalemate for life.

who is bad? Are there any irrefutably generally admitted traits? "You know, I`m bad. I drink, I smoke, I`m lazy, I swear." - She told. What? Who the fuck cares about shit like that? How do these features describe you personality? Well, laziness probably, but it is natural, it is probably weakness, which more or less inherent for everyone. Then what is really bad? Probably something, that can destroy the wish to have the deals with you. Those traits are pretty simple - betrayal and cold prudence in order to use people. It is sort of cool nowadays to tell that you`re bad guy, but almost noone tell you that he is ready to use you and betray when it is profitably.
Worked.Slept. Dreamed of warmth

Guys, I need to figure out how could I become a forester. Hard work on the vastness of nature...
I know, I know, It is just the morning and I don`t want to go to work. But what if..?

Well, here am I. Work, University. Nothing interesting or important. Had a nice chat with a couple of guys at the university - for me it is sort of an event.
Watched "The dreamers" - excellent film with unique characters. Such sincere atmosphere, soaked up with the strongest desire for living... and a great heap of drama, intricated mind troubles and complexes, addictions of the lifestyle and comfort zone. Anyway, there`re many things to tell about that, no way to write all that here.
What else? Sadness is being replaced by exhilaration, wich than is being replaced by sadness. I give it a thought, I`ve been dreaming of that - to have emotions. Now I do. Be happy! Suffer! Enjoy!

Yep, as predicted, tomorrow my mood is opposite. Well, fuck that shit, let it be.
Sometimes I notice that I see everything through the prism of colors and temperature. Like when I know people for a little bit I start to estimate them as warm, or cold, orange, green, blue, gray. That doesn`t necessarilly means that orange is good, and blue is bad, actually. It is complicated - through the long threads of associations my brain gives every person it`s shape. ANd sometimes cold, blue, but still bright people are more preferable than warm and orange. And visa-versa. That time she is cold and... green, but so bright.
Work-University-home. Nothing happened. Will try japanese probably that evening.

Somehow it is much easier to write something when you`re rueful. Albeit, it is not that strange, people usually tend to seek for the way to share their sadness, to find consolation or just to convert the strong emotions into something more tangible. Only the state of discontent forces people for actions, if everything is ok we do nothing.
BTW, today after the whole day of work I feel really high, like I can do anything, like I`m free and really who I should be. Such a sweet delusion! People, they are so bright! friends, friends are everywhere! The world is so awesome! And such thing. And yep, I`m absolutely sober. I know, tomorrow will be different though. Damn, that cake is awesome.

What if I just leave my specialty, leave my current job and become someone like barmen? Or tourist guide? The decision is haard to make, better spend another copule of months at my work, or untill the end of university, and then we see.
At that moment I`m on that perfect condition, when noone hate me, everybody think that I`m a pretty decent guy. And that`s awful, because I think I`ve lost my personality, trying to be liked by everyone, afraid of the world. I`m nothing, friendly and polite, but nothing. I have no friends, no love, I don`t exist. And I don`t have the right to have all that.
Tried to learn Japanese, ate a cake with tea, punched a punchbag. VK with it`s news steals my time. W

Ok, nothing works, everything seems so meaningless and void. And plus now it seems that I fell in love with her, which is twofold awful. Had a little stroll around my district under the aghast snow, which later turned into heavy rain. Soon I become completely saturated, but my mind got little clarified after that, so that was a nice walk.
Lots of thoughts are swarming in my mind - personality, relationships, life, work, aesthetic view, and I really need to write them down, but not here, the format of this site is not quite appropriate - I like writing looong texts, which are nothing but useless pieces of mind current, though. Today will not sleep. Or sleep two hours.

Ok, it is the first free day on that week. And the last, huh. Anyway, I`ve got plans to do - Guitar, japanese and an attempt to chat with someone in the internet. Usually I make bug plans, but never perform them because of my laziness and lack of persistence. I hope, that day will be different, at least I`ll try to do everything even if I have to disregard sleeping. And tommorrow is work again.
By the way, yesterday I`ve made a trip with one great girl to one beautiful town situated in 130 km from my city. Despite she doesn`t look at me as at her potential boyfriend, I didn`t feel like I`m wasting my time - it was great and... just great.