Okay. It`s been a long time since the last post. Have left my job, performed military duty, found another job, but nothing really changed. And again I feel like I have to put my mind in the proper condition. It seems that I only can do that by writing down everything I feel and think, making plans and making reports.
Now I have new intentions - to improve my law and economic skills, find a girl, stop fapping and letting everything go without my will.
Now I want to try planning my every day and making reports on success.better not read that crap.
Tomorrow: go to GYM, bring the package from the post and make a drum training plan for Tu.
Life is when you`re happy when tired.
Achievement unlocked - ride on the electric train for free. And then went to the city through the station where exit is being made by ticket. Found a small gap and passed through. Like a schoolboy, huh. It was fun.
Written to a couple of girls from fake account. All the nice chats trail off after using up the one chosen particular topic. Don`t know how to proceed further. And they are all so nice so I feel reproacheble comparing myself to them.
Feel nostalgia about the passed autumn. Shit, I really loved her and loved those little trips we made. Now it is different and those trips and encounters doesn`t grand such strong emotions.
Almost ended. Well, at this moment they sleep on my sofa together. So sweet. And sort of... humilliating. How did I turned out to be like that? Well, I actually have foreseen that situation.
Anyway, everything wasn`t so bad. I think. But really, nothing to talk or to think about. It wasn`t boring, wasn`t interesting - almost nothing left. At least I attained the clarification of the situation. I`m leaving all this behind. And I`m not scared anymore of events like that. So achievement unlocked and that goal is fulfilled. And I got paid for my drinks and food and stuff :3 Fuck it, my home is still not destroyed. But they are still there, huh. Anyway, I`m OK
Shit! Shit! I`m in the mud up to my ears! Ok, I didn`t mind to join the birthday party with her and her company of two friends ang her guy. Why not? To diversify my life and all that shit. Even if I knew that that guy is complete inadequate drugs-addicted freak. Ok. But how had it turned to be in my home??? My sacred hideout of solitude! Feel so used. Those people - they are like from another universe. I wanted to experience their values and way of living, but not like immediately, letting them in the most sacred place binded with all my habbits. Hell. Well, fuck it, I will not die, right? And my house will not be destroyed, right? And my comfort zone... will be. Will report later about that
Returned from my village. Haven`t found new friends, realized that I have no in present. Just have been walking around in the evenings listening to music, watching snow descending from the sky and feeling frost. In the rest of mu time been trolling in the internet and writing long pseudophilosophical posts. Well, anyway, soon I have to return back to work. I will keep seeking for people on the internet - who knows, probably will find somebody again one day.
Attended the gig tonight. Would be fun, if I wasn`t alone, but in my case it was just interesting. Watching how differently people demean themselves, how lively are they. Haven`t got enough money for a beer. That`s sad.
This New Year`s night should become my climax leading to catharsis. All that was concealed for a long time is now revealed. I have no one. It is like a revelation showing me that you need to change things and do it fast. Don`t really feel miserable, I was grieving for too long about that. Friends, girls - will be, or not, don`t really matter so far I know that it is just another side of life, not the only one. I`m alone and that`s how it is. At least nothing to lose in the social area.
Going to buy myself some burgers and other junk food and have a nice night watching movies. Wanted to have a walk around the city, but got sick. Throat is aching. Shit.
Want to leave my town for a while and live and work somewhere else. Krasnodar seems pretty well for that, for example. Just to be in completely different environment and all. Out of comfort zone. No family, no relatives - just new place where noone knows me and noone expects anything from me. Probably even work as a lawyer. Why not, what`s the difference? Salary? fuck that shit, I will be paid enough to live, I think. But army...
Anyway, woke up, watched the snowfall - beautiful. But then I went to the street - awful - it`s wet and quickly becomes a dirty squelchy mess and melts.
Sitting and learning notary, making plans for a following day and life. As always
Won my first trial.
Gradually getting used to drums. At least now I know for sure in which direction move and what to do on the next rehearsal.
I think, I`m starting to forget about her. Still painful, but now I mostly hate myself and scared of the vapid future.
What else? Going to paint and write that evening. And now I`m drinking MIO and eating shawarma. These moments are not so bad until your whole life consists of those moments. How can I find people? Don`t know. Too weak for that.
BTW, finished Wild SHeep Chase by Harukhi Murakami. It is... little bit weird. Dialogues, aesthetic, atmosphere were great, but the plot - at least strange. If not to say stupid.
Music: Slowcore, screamo.
Been at the first real trial at that place of work. It was easy and sort of pathetic, but without any negative effects. Have to call her next day to settle the question with her debts - seems unbearable, but actually I almost don`t care. One day I hope I will finally be able to close my mind and soul in front of such sticky situations. Poker face.
Apart from that - another wasted days. Listening to "Just friends." That guy from Japan really knows Dat Feel - those lyrics, that scream - like turning my soul out.
Japan. Huh, I`ve got an exam that week, but I need at least thwo months to be prepared. Well, shit, another proof that I can`t do anything properly.
stop thinking. Back to coma.
Have to make a speech at the folowing conference - ergo have to create a project. Too small amount of time, too much work to do, too little confidence and aspiration. Well, who cares, somehow will do.
Finally I understood - I feel miserable not because I love her and miss her, but because I hate my lifestyle and myself, that constant stagnation and feel of loosing my life. Anyway, I don`t know how to change it. Well, only one idea - try to quit my job and throw myself to the waves of unpredictableness, away from the comfort zone, just watching where the flow will lead me. We live to feel, to see the life in all it`s diversity, to collect emotions and not to acquire an abstract social success.
A few years later I told my friend that i dream of the world where it would be only formal relations, where noone cares of nobody. The world where you`re, being introverted, don`t have to be scared of all the social people around you and can easily do whatever you want among your introversive pleasures.
Now I can say I was mistaken. Finaly it turned out to be that way - I have no friends and I`m almost not afraid. Except relations. But it is not good world at all - it`s too painful. I need people, the real ones, who feel, who think, who live!
Be careful with your wishes.
Told the guy by the phone about the law matters straightly and correctly. Satisfied.
Not the most vapid sunday in my life - Learned Japanese a little bit, had a nioce walk around my neighbourhood, mad too student reports and a small rehearsal. And that`s not an end - probably today I`ll not sleep - don`t want next day to commence, so better elongate that day.
Do I really need her that much? Probably the reason is the strongest discontent of myself, that I`m trying to find salvation inthe other person, also because it really suits to the social standards. Find a girl, be happy. Find a friend, be happy. But could it reaally be a resolution? Probably the reason is that your life is void and you have no real interests, no temper to fight for yourself. It is more important.
During that week... What`s new?
As always it was a pretty boring week. Work... Two trials, lawsuits, salary. Evenings spent in the office.
Studies. Made one report. Nothing interesting.
Life. Drumming, it was pretty fun, but it wasn`t my achievement - just the matter of money.
Really, the week has passed, but left zero emotions inside. I haven`t written to anyone, I haven`t made new friends or girls, I haven`t moved forward in the matters of Japanese or something else useful.
It is snow outside the window. Such a beautiful and fairy atmosphere - always when the first snow falls. I want nothing but put on my coat and go walking along the empty streets inhaling the scent of winter.
Sup. Well, there were a couple of important events happened during last two days.
Called 10 debtors, tried as hard as I could to sound confident and fearsome, but mostly failed. But in the end I succeed in a cople of calls and finally it felt much easier and calmer. Need to keep trying, it`s a great way to raise your confidence in speaking with people during discharging your obligations. Important things with pleasure. Huh, not really.
She doesn`t write. And,I suppose, will never do. Ok, never mind.
Watched Interstellar alone. Great but contained s pinch of useless drivel.
Attended the trial - great thing to watch how three lawyers strugling with each other, keeping friendly at the same time
Everything was not so bad - I hope we really can become good friends. And her invitation - that probably can be interesting - too meet with her friends and spend time as I never did before. Anyway, my aim now - is not to spoil everything -I have lot`s of different kinds of matters that should be taken care of. And that`s the main point - Don`t have time to think of my feelings, to grieve and to suffer. I`ll concentrate on work an pleasure, fuck everything else.
Besides, Lembolovo is a great place, the sight of trees covered by snow is awesome. And those small paths - sandy-brown, covered by snow and pine prickles. Cold though.
Yesterday applied for drumming courses. That seems fun, the instructor looks hardcore, guys here are nice. Too much work - more than 5 hours of videous to watch and constant repetitions - I`m afraid I`ll give up soon. Though so far it is fun, probably it is a good way to distract myself from her.The process itself is great - to hit the pad, later to hit the drums, to feel the rythm.
By the way, tomorrow I again go walking with her - it is really pathetic, but I can`t do anything with me. I have to stop that! And I have to tell that to her, or at least tell that it takes too much time and I can`t devote enough time to my studies.
Weather is beautiful - perfectly suitable for
Downfall of Gaia.
Writing here is not so encouraging anymore. Maybe nothing really causes an emotional resonations in my soul. Work? Kek... Studies? Double kek. Films, books, human interactions? Just a routine. Food. No. Sometimes it feels so tasty, but no. And nothing but her tarnishing picture.
Bought new CoD - good enough to play a couple hours a day with friend.
Still can`t force myself to learn japanese. And write my graduation project. The deadlines are coming closer, but... still hope that things will work themselves out.
Can`t force myself to learn playing mahjong either - it is sad, concerning the fact that I could meet a couple new people during that.
Nothing real fucking happens!!!
The grieving eased me up so far. But if she suddenly calls me, I don`t think I will be able to reject.
Finished that lawsuit - it is boring actually, On my previous job there were much more interesting cases, which made me think at least. As I said, I don`t intend to work here for a long time.
Made a photo of the ad in the minibus in front of everyone - sort of small victory, huh. At that moment I was seriously thinking about going to the hooker, so it is like my internal restrictions were moved off for a moment. later they returned though.
Also visited university.
Now sitting, drinking an energy drink and listening to slowcore. Play with friend or write to a girl?
University - nothing. Work - pretended I`m working, started to make a lawsuit. At home played with friend. That`s all.
Though it is obviously over now, she still occupies the huge part of my mind. When I try to remind myself how bad is it, how obvious are her attempts not to allow me to her life, even to delete every little grasp of her trace from where she can - then it makes me angry. But when I start to forget about it, her bright face again appears before me and I want to see her again so bad.
I made a terrible mistake last sunday by revealing that little fact, so it is all my fault as usual. But at least she could not to sverve from my questions and tell me straight.
Evening. That emotional swing is so fucking awesome - excitement turns into grieving, which then turns into anger. Thank you very much, bitch!
Actually I can`t be mad at her - she is a good person and she is not obliged to feel something towards me or consider me as her friend. So now, I suppose, it`s over. No affinity, no respect, no necessity - just nothing. I still have some pride, so I can`t afford myself to be just following her, when she doesn`t want my company. Well, ok.
Full day of work till 8 p.m. Finally made a call to a debtor - sort of small victory, but it wasn`t so epic as I expected. Except that, day is pretty uneventful.
Can`t make myself learn japanese. Just wanna sleep.
Morning. So finally she told that for her I`m like a gay-friend. Lol, that was harsh, but predictable. Well then, it clarified matters, now at least I know that I don`t have to be jealous of her and have to improve myself, become much more confident and straightforward. That`s the problem, I believe.
Also, signed up for the drumming courses. For which purpose? Just for lulz, the ruble if falling into the abyss anyway. It could be fun... I`ll see it soon. Need more diversity anyway. She told me she can introduce me to the bunch of people she know. It could ruin our fellowship, but why not? Scary thing, after all, but I need new acquaintences...
Today... It`s going to be a long working day.
Mother is somewhy angry at me, huh. Yep, I admit probably I was a little bit rude with her today - all that stuff with money, study, work and most of all - calling her overly nosy and giving her an advice to keep off from the sister`s or my matters. Actually I said that in my usual matter - sincere, a little bit rude, but transient way - like I`m always telling, but that one stabbed her hard. Probably with all my latest words and behaviour - and I still take her money, despite work - that all makes me feel guilty. Nevertheless, I`m not going to change the course.
Had a little argument with a guy an the cafe. I lost, but I`m glad that I did that - experience, huh.
Sometimes you just need to wake up without the alarm clock to be in a good mood. Sometimes not, but let it alone.
Woke up, washed the dishes, played tennis with a wall. Made a tea, now sitting in front of monitor writing this. Need to do some push-ups and other body exercises.
What else? Again I decided to pay her less concerns - she doesn`t, and, besides, I`m having fun with her, and I like the idea of backpacking itself, not just because of her, so what`s the problem, right?
Decided to go drumming next week.
My japanese studies have turned out to be in a stalemate. Need to do something with that, I have an exam next month. I will not pass it, but at least I need to show that I know smth.
That day... was such a great opportunity for meeting a girl. She asked for direction of the bus stop, and after that she headed to the same direction as mine. Perfect girl, perfect smile, perfect moment - such moments happen very rare - when it is just natural to speak. But I pulled in my headphones and increased my pace instead of talking. Shit, that was the most stupid deed you can only think in situation like that.
besides that, worked, attended seminar, got 5. Wasted time the rest of the day.
Want to share hate towards the social cult of children. That look of the girl at work, peering at the child, doing stupid things and lamenting - eyes full of tenderness. WTF, guys? So unnatural.
Что говорят пользователи Фрагментера
Только сегодня узнала о фрагментере и создала аккаунт. Хочу признать, сайт действительно интересный и не обычный. Идея то, что нужно. Как же нравится эта анонимность!
Так нравится читать записи участников, здесь гораздо искреннее, чем в любой соц сети.
Забавная идея - вести онлайн-дневник, который могут читать все и в тоже время никто.
Фрагментер сильно нравится, появилась доп мотивация меняться - это большая разница, писать только себе в блокнот и писать в общий доступ
фрагментер прикольный - уже несколько раз появлялись мысли о том, с чего я такой депрессивный и почему я таким стал
Офигеть, сколько я потеряла, пока не писала в !F. Была куча мыслей, эмоций, а все оно будто потерялось и я даже не могу связно сказать, как прошли эти дни пропущеных записей.
фрагментер - самое клевое что со мной произошло в этом году!
Мне сильно нравится, что на !F никто не комментирует, есть впечатление, что я пишу это для себя, уменьшается озабоченность тем, что сообщение будет оценено.