SadFrog

Well, here am I. Work, University. Nothing interesting or important. Had a nice chat with a couple of guys at the university - for me it is sort of an event.
Watched "The dreamers" - excellent film with unique characters. Such sincere atmosphere, soaked up with the strongest desire for living... and a great heap of drama, intricated mind troubles and complexes, addictions of the lifestyle and comfort zone. Anyway, there`re many things to tell about that, no way to write all that here.
What else? Sadness is being replaced by exhilaration, wich than is being replaced by sadness. I give it a thought, I`ve been dreaming of that - to have emotions. Now I do. Be happy! Suffer! Enjoy!

Yep, as predicted, tomorrow my mood is opposite. Well, fuck that shit, let it be.
Sometimes I notice that I see everything through the prism of colors and temperature. Like when I know people for a little bit I start to estimate them as warm, or cold, orange, green, blue, gray. That doesn`t necessarilly means that orange is good, and blue is bad, actually. It is complicated - through the long threads of associations my brain gives every person it`s shape. ANd sometimes cold, blue, but still bright people are more preferable than warm and orange. And visa-versa. That time she is cold and... green, but so bright.
Work-University-home. Nothing happened. Will try japanese probably that evening.

Somehow it is much easier to write something when you`re rueful. Albeit, it is not that strange, people usually tend to seek for the way to share their sadness, to find consolation or just to convert the strong emotions into something more tangible. Only the state of discontent forces people for actions, if everything is ok we do nothing.
BTW, today after the whole day of work I feel really high, like I can do anything, like I`m free and really who I should be. Such a sweet delusion! People, they are so bright! friends, friends are everywhere! The world is so awesome! And such thing. And yep, I`m absolutely sober. I know, tomorrow will be different though. Damn, that cake is awesome.

What if I just leave my specialty, leave my current job and become someone like barmen? Or tourist guide? The decision is haard to make, better spend another copule of months at my work, or untill the end of university, and then we see.
At that moment I`m on that perfect condition, when noone hate me, everybody think that I`m a pretty decent guy. And that`s awful, because I think I`ve lost my personality, trying to be liked by everyone, afraid of the world. I`m nothing, friendly and polite, but nothing. I have no friends, no love, I don`t exist. And I don`t have the right to have all that.
Tried to learn Japanese, ate a cake with tea, punched a punchbag. VK with it`s news steals my time. W

Ok, nothing works, everything seems so meaningless and void. And plus now it seems that I fell in love with her, which is twofold awful. Had a little stroll around my district under the aghast snow, which later turned into heavy rain. Soon I become completely saturated, but my mind got little clarified after that, so that was a nice walk.
Lots of thoughts are swarming in my mind - personality, relationships, life, work, aesthetic view, and I really need to write them down, but not here, the format of this site is not quite appropriate - I like writing looong texts, which are nothing but useless pieces of mind current, though. Today will not sleep. Or sleep two hours.

Ok, it is the first free day on that week. And the last, huh. Anyway, I`ve got plans to do - Guitar, japanese and an attempt to chat with someone in the internet. Usually I make bug plans, but never perform them because of my laziness and lack of persistence. I hope, that day will be different, at least I`ll try to do everything even if I have to disregard sleeping. And tommorrow is work again.
By the way, yesterday I`ve made a trip with one great girl to one beautiful town situated in 130 km from my city. Despite she doesn`t look at me as at her potential boyfriend, I didn`t feel like I`m wasting my time - it was great and... just great.

Shit, now I`ve suddenly become a lawyer. Really? No fucking way! I can`t do anything, I can`t even force myself to make a call. Even the inner call to another department. I don`t understand what am I doing here and why do I keep spending space in that cabbinet. And I knew that I wouldn`t make it. And still I throwedmyself to the depths of corporate slavery.
Anyway, a few minutes earlier the client...sort of client have showed up and there was noone around but me and the guy from another department. I panicked, but then realized that the matter is really easy. I brooded for 5 minutes, trying to force myself to tell him what do I think about his problem,and finally did it,but he didn`t get it.