SadFrog

What`s new?
The grieving eased me up so far. But if she suddenly calls me, I don`t think I will be able to reject.
Finished that lawsuit - it is boring actually, On my previous job there were much more interesting cases, which made me think at least. As I said, I don`t intend to work here for a long time.
Made a photo of the ad in the minibus in front of everyone - sort of small victory, huh. At that moment I was seriously thinking about going to the hooker, so it is like my internal restrictions were moved off for a moment. later they returned though.
Also visited university.
Now sitting, drinking an energy drink and listening to slowcore. Play with friend or write to a girl?

University - nothing. Work - pretended I`m working, started to make a lawsuit. At home played with friend. That`s all.
Though it is obviously over now, she still occupies the huge part of my mind. When I try to remind myself how bad is it, how obvious are her attempts not to allow me to her life, even to delete every little grasp of her trace from where she can - then it makes me angry. But when I start to forget about it, her bright face again appears before me and I want to see her again so bad.
I made a terrible mistake last sunday by revealing that little fact, so it is all my fault as usual. But at least she could not to sverve from my questions and tell me straight.

Evening. That emotional swing is so fucking awesome - excitement turns into grieving, which then turns into anger. Thank you very much, bitch!
Actually I can`t be mad at her - she is a good person and she is not obliged to feel something towards me or consider me as her friend. So now, I suppose, it`s over. No affinity, no respect, no necessity - just nothing. I still have some pride, so I can`t afford myself to be just following her, when she doesn`t want my company. Well, ok.
Full day of work till 8 p.m. Finally made a call to a debtor - sort of small victory, but it wasn`t so epic as I expected. Except that, day is pretty uneventful.
Can`t make myself learn japanese. Just wanna sleep.

Morning. So finally she told that for her I`m like a gay-friend. Lol, that was harsh, but predictable. Well then, it clarified matters, now at least I know that I don`t have to be jealous of her and have to improve myself, become much more confident and straightforward. That`s the problem, I believe.
Also, signed up for the drumming courses. For which purpose? Just for lulz, the ruble if falling into the abyss anyway. It could be fun... I`ll see it soon. Need more diversity anyway. She told me she can introduce me to the bunch of people she know. It could ruin our fellowship, but why not? Scary thing, after all, but I need new acquaintences...
Today... It`s going to be a long working day.

Mother is somewhy angry at me, huh. Yep, I admit probably I was a little bit rude with her today - all that stuff with money, study, work and most of all - calling her overly nosy and giving her an advice to keep off from the sister`s or my matters. Actually I said that in my usual matter - sincere, a little bit rude, but transient way - like I`m always telling, but that one stabbed her hard. Probably with all my latest words and behaviour - and I still take her money, despite work - that all makes me feel guilty. Nevertheless, I`m not going to change the course.
Had a little argument with a guy an the cafe. I lost, but I`m glad that I did that - experience, huh.
Now swimming.

Sometimes you just need to wake up without the alarm clock to be in a good mood. Sometimes not, but let it alone.
Woke up, washed the dishes, played tennis with a wall. Made a tea, now sitting in front of monitor writing this. Need to do some push-ups and other body exercises.
What else? Again I decided to pay her less concerns - she doesn`t, and, besides, I`m having fun with her, and I like the idea of backpacking itself, not just because of her, so what`s the problem, right?
Decided to go drumming next week.
My japanese studies have turned out to be in a stalemate. Need to do something with that, I have an exam next month. I will not pass it, but at least I need to show that I know smth.

That day... was such a great opportunity for meeting a girl. She asked for direction of the bus stop, and after that she headed to the same direction as mine. Perfect girl, perfect smile, perfect moment - such moments happen very rare - when it is just natural to speak. But I pulled in my headphones and increased my pace instead of talking. Shit, that was the most stupid deed you can only think in situation like that.
besides that, worked, attended seminar, got 5. Wasted time the rest of the day.
Want to share hate towards the social cult of children. That look of the girl at work, peering at the child, doing stupid things and lamenting - eyes full of tenderness. WTF, guys? So unnatural.

So called debauchery, descending of birth and gradual extinction of humanity is a natural process, the final destination of human`s evolution, of the society. Even now we see that the most progressive nations have big problems with birthrate, when individualism is the greatest value. The most elaborate people understand that there is probably no god, and even if it exists, then there is definitely no meaning of human`s existence. Life itself is beautiful, but there is no point in creating new life, because the value is not outside, but inside human`s mind. So gradually more and more people will be just living and then dying, reducing the amount of people.
Worked, ate, slept.

What is harder - to finish your life, or to change yourself? Through the years gradually it`s getting less and less obvious.

Woke up. The weather is good - melancholic, dusky, but warm with that little moisure in the air - very refreshing. The last weekend, the last day of my sister's staying here. Tomorrow work again.
Mood is not bad - just hollow. Not sad, not happy. Probably my body is tired of those meaningless emotions that never get any respond, so now everything returns to it's usual condition. Excellent way to live through all the working days, full of obligations - just skip them, not registering them in the memory.
Actually, no. I dreamed of emotions, I don't want to lose them. Need to find a new source. Maybe handgliding? It is hard decision.
Ok, need a meal, then decide what to do.

Rewatched "Into The Wild". The film is overfilled with melancholic musing freedom - all those sceneries, landscapes, interactions - all tied together by an outstanding projectionist`s job and great music. I watched it before, but it is never redundant to see at such a great human another time. Despite he died in the end, the film is positive - after all he died, making his own deeds and his own mistakes chasing his dream. To see the beauty, to break through the shell of civilization, to build the temper. Just great.
Tomorrow is the last weekend. I haven`t even noticed how they passed, besides, I generally don`t have any pleasant memories of them. Just passed. As always, I`m in a swamp.

Ok, great, she keeps averting answering on my sort of straightforward questions. Need to ask it when I next see her. But what the hell, she can`t unnotice those questions, and if she averts them, then she probably sees the message in them, the main point. She doesn`t want to answer and clarify my doubts. But she doesn`t reject me completely - she still agree to spend time with me. So she just likes to do an interesting actions and I`m personally not interesting for her, or what?
Anyway, had enough sleep, the weather is not bad - dusky but warm... for november. Have a breakfast of two sausages, couldn`t find the mustard. Need to study something and decide where to go.

Another day has passed. Full of pleasant moments, which were generally planned, so that made them not so pleasant. As I told, you can be happy only when you see the feedback from your actions. Today it was generally artifitial - nevertheless the weather has managed to put a pinch of life into that undertaking.
So, today was an excursion, planned by my mom and organized by an agency. Photos, sheep-like movement, all that stuff. And still such things as road, river, snow, wind - they don`t change because of the artificial excursion, so it was sort of great, yeah.
Haven`t done anything useful today, but I have an excuse - no time.
Had a chat with her. She avoids my questions - is that an end?

Went swimming to the pool. Physically feel great, so that physical strain cleared my brain for a little bit. Sister has already fallen asleep, but I`ve got plans - need to write down the beautiful situation, as I told earlier. Apart from that I still have nothing to say.
About her - I need her, yes, I want to see her, but I can`t afford to humilliate myself in front of her. I can see quite clearly that she doesn`t need me and doesn`t make any efforts to make a dialogue with me. Then my constant attempts to maintain the dialogue seem just pathetic. N oone need that - neither she, nor me. So fuck that, later I will ask her out, if she rejects - then I wll never bother her again.

Went to the museum with my sister. Russian`s grand layout, or something like that. The conversation is pretty easy with my sister, I feel free and can speak of everything, the museum was great too, the technical part with all those railways, roads, cars, buildings with it`s diversity made it so beautisul, as those dreamy pictures in vk publics. Why then do I feel so miserable? The day was not bad, but constant feeling that I`m not moving forward, that I`m in stalemate never deserted me. And Anna...
Need to watch an interesting film with sense and write about it. Or create some kind of beautiful situation and write down all the details and atmosphere. I`ll do it that night.

Morning. Met my cousin (sister) in the railway station. Went to work, spent here the day till the evening, then attended the handgliding lecture. After that had a trip around the night city. So, that`s it. Pretty saturated day, from the first sight, but at the end I don`t have too many emotions left. On the work most of the time I`ve been pretending like I`m working. The rest of the time I was thinking how I need her and how impossible are my dreams. In any case she doesn`t need me, I`m boring. What should I do? Maybe just ask her what does she feel towards me straightforward? It just can`t get worse.
Also, those guys from handgliding are trully awesome. Such an atmosphere, such sincerety!

There were so many things to say during the day, but now, in the evening I feel nothing but apathy. Probably because I`ve been sleeping too little recently, or maybe it is because I`m nothing for her. I`m not a subject, I`m sort of circumstance that changed the environment of her couple times. But such events are usual for her, they don`t touch her, and I`m just another guy in her list of transient acquaintances. Really, I can`t blame her for that, I`m the one to blame.
Just better go get some sleep. What if start doing handgliding?
Today...worked... or have been looking how my boss works. After that I was so glad to visit university - all those familiar faces!
Saw the stars on my way home.

Why does every achievement in my life is an achievement with clause, with asterisk. All the time - "finally I have managed to do that thing! But..." Fucking weakness.
Today work was as usual. Wanted to call debtors - haven`t found enough strength. Now I`m trying to decide - whether I should go to bed or to do something useful. Everything is so boring. Have tried to write to a couple of girls, who seemed al little bit interesting. The conversations have trailed off after the first message. Better go and make the pizza, the one frozen from the shop. At least I have a pizza.

Nails... Why do women like to cover them with enamel? Suddenly I noticed that when I see a woman with plain nails, I consider her much better than the one with long and enameled nails. Like if she has the plain, beautiful (even if they are ragged) then she is open and sincere person, who loves the world and longs for living. I know, that`s stupid, it is just my aesthetic opinion. Or maybe it contains it`s logical grain?
She doesn`t respond. And I can`t stop thinking of her. Well, I`ve dreamed of that - now I have no right to whine. Anyway, Last night have slept for two hours. And again sitting with a can of energy drink.
That summer will resign and buy a scooter. Or go to army.

Aaa, fuck, I`ve spoiled another Sunday! Nothing useful have done, nothing interesting have happened. Really, what have I been doing all day? Tried to learn the words, a bit grammar - for about 1 hour total, went to the shop for crisps and energy drink, played with friend (2 hours). And... the rest - I don`t know where is all that time! Ok, I`ve got a couple of hours more. To waste.

Awesome day. As always, day spent in action is awesome. Especially with her. Being friends is not good, they told, but I by myself wanted to fall into that kind of relationship - at least now I do have emotions. Today - it was cold and warm, fun with a little pinch of sadness, sincerity with a piece of covert untold sense. The lake was beautiful, so was the lighthouse.
I know, tomorrow it will be awful to recall that day, sitting all alone as always. It is like a drug. How hackneyed does it sound...
The night is long. Thanks to our king I have an additional free hour. Better play the guitar. Poor neighbours. And japanese, of course.

Worked, been at the revision of the house. Pretty funny thing with all those owners shouting and demanding something, huh. Been at the one old man`s birthday - was sort of fun with lot`s of arguments, hatred and mutual respect and... awful food. Anyway, the day was fine. Today I don`t have anything to say, even my usual lamenting.
Besides... Again have big troubles with motivation. I haven`t been studying Japanese properly for a week, and that continues for a month or so, which means that I`ve ruined my plan to pass the N4 exam this december. Wanted to prove my abilities, but gave up. The same as always.

Today I will write to her again. Can`t force myself to stop doing that - at least a couple of messages. How pathetic I am! But THe important condition - I will write to a couple unfamilliar girls first. Probably it could help.
Today is still friday, which means I still have to go to my job. Now I`m starting to realize how stupid is it, that my obligations don`t even supposed to be interesting, important and mind-straining. Just a typing machine. Never mind, I will leave when I pass the practise in university.
What can I do to break through the wall of comfort zone? And diversify my life? Concerts? Walking? Events? All by my own? I can`t make it. I`m in the stalemate for life.

who is bad? Are there any irrefutably generally admitted traits? "You know, I`m bad. I drink, I smoke, I`m lazy, I swear." - She told. What? Who the fuck cares about shit like that? How do these features describe you personality? Well, laziness probably, but it is natural, it is probably weakness, which more or less inherent for everyone. Then what is really bad? Probably something, that can destroy the wish to have the deals with you. Those traits are pretty simple - betrayal and cold prudence in order to use people. It is sort of cool nowadays to tell that you`re bad guy, but almost noone tell you that he is ready to use you and betray when it is profitably.
Worked.Slept. Dreamed of warmth

Guys, I need to figure out how could I become a forester. Hard work on the vastness of nature...
I know, I know, It is just the morning and I don`t want to go to work. But what if..?