I'm exhausted

I suddenly feel better now, just sitting in class, I noticed I have more freedom of movement and less pain

creative class was chill, and the teacher gave us a really interesting exercise

I have so much work to do, but for some reason I'm not afraid anymore

I'm more and more sure about having a hernia

my range of motion is very restricted, and additionally, I'm forced to sit with my laptop doing the last summer school tasks for hours

my spine is also sore because of constant tension; I used to sit in a prawn-like pose all the time

I went to eat ice cream with my flatmates; they're really nice, and I even managed not to talk about my health for most of the conversation

they perceive me as an "older friend" though; today, they said with admiration, "you have already lived a whole life!"

I hope this is not a hint that it's time to die

1400, 100, 32, 128, 40, 28000, 95, 98, 2000.
Even when you leave only the numbers, it is still quite obvious to most who care.
I even asked AI, and it guessed it, albeit with the direct tip on the topic.

I keep returning over and over to it, as if there is no tomorrow and no yesterday, only that moment, forever etched in the stillness of the frozen times.
It is not.

Do I care?
During Covid, I had a respite and I used it -- not optimally wise, but wisely anyway, on reflections and self-analysis, on delving into the depths of the past seeking the pearls of enlightenment.
Silly it was that I've found only the goo of times, the bedrock of lies, and the ossified excrements of my past selves.

my period and consuming too much fruit over the last few days caused diarrhea

I also suspect that I have a hernia as a complication of whooping cough

my body regulates itself like clockwork (antique clockwork from the 19th century)

just ate normal meal for the first time today at 6pm

I force myself to be productive and I'm so tired

I found my Eng lit teacher on Instagram and liked her photos and followed her (it was stupid, I know)

she's about my age, bisexual/lesbian, very cute, and once had a match with D. on Tinder (D. told me)

she obviously didn't follow back and closed her account after this

I hope it's just because I'm her student, not because she doesn't like me personally

for some reason, I felt so sad because of it that I even cried (for like 1 minute, but still)

I just received an email from SAAS saying I was granted a bursary and a student loan

how to change my level of motivation from 0 to 100% - GIVE ME MONEY

and also, my period started, so I'm not pregnant woohooooo

want to reflect on our Sunday with K. for a bit, but my next deadline is today at 6pm, and I haven't even started writing the assignment

didn't do most of what I should have done

oh well

slept 4 hours, woke up at 7:30 (why?..) and did absolutely nothing for the next 4 hours (okay, except for cooking breakfast)

I have 11 hours until K. arrives, and I need to finish my list of tasks by then... I should have slept more...

okay, I have a plan: I'm going for a walk because the weather outside is wonderful; then I'll either feel fresher or even more tired, and I'll start studying or take a nap, then study

btw just spilled my coffee on the bed, and I'm so grateful to my past self for buying black sheets

(luckily, no diarrhea after goat cheese!)

bought French goat cheese today

I was able to use Google to find out that olives go well with this cheese, but I didn't realise that it's a type of cheese with MOLD

I had cheese with mold once in my life (the same situation, bought without looking it up on the internet) and after that, I had diarrhea

but I like experimenting, so I just ate a sandwich with goat cheese and olives... if diarrhea awaits, at least it was tasty

accidentally chose a topic for my final film studies essay... I told the lecturer about the films I chose, what features of the design and cinematography I'm going to discuss, and then he asked, "so, what's your argument?"

I wasn't prepared for this and said something like, "ummm... I like how women are depicted in those films...," and he immediately wrote down that I'm going to write about "the depiction of female characters... etc."

I guess I should write about this now... I genuinely like the topic tho

even felt a bit of inspiration (or panic?) to start writing this essay (a week before the deadline!), but had annoyingly slow internet and fell asleep instead...

wasn't able to study yesterday evening, so I went to bed and then surprisingly woke up at about half past six without an alarm

I successfully managed to write an analysis for today in 2 hours and also had a normal breakfast, which I don't have very often

on my way to creative writing class, I brought a visit permission and a few letters to administration (we had letters in our flat addressed to people who don't live there)

our group is sitting and awkwardly waiting for the teacher now; she's already 30 minutes late

guess we don't have creative writing today

Nah sorry, not really.
I should have been dead to be happy, as much of a paradox that is.

In a very young age, I had my paramount happiness, and the grief as well.
I just can't do it anymore, I can't be it anymore, and for a very long time.

Things had changed so much in those years few people recognize the things that were typical, and yet...

Old clips still can rip my receptors like nothing new.
That drive for self-destruction and obsession with rot and death were not unfounded -- look at where we are now? Wasn't it just better to off ourselves at the time it was really popular?

I don't really know who I am anymore, and it lasts for the better half of my life.
Silly.

tried "study together" video chats on Discord, but they don't work for me; maybe I should try it with people I know

with these video chats, instead of thinking about my tasks, I'm constantly conscious of my facial expressions, gestures, etc., because I know at any moment some stranger may be staring at me

plus, video calls make my laptop slow down

I was actively communicating with the lecturer in the academic skills class (basically just answering her questions) and got several seemingly hostile comments from the Ukrainians sitting beside me, "oh, you're so smart"

this part of our culture is one of the reasons I don't want to return to my homeland (ever); if you're not hiding your intelligence, it means you're boasting and should be ashamed (especially if you're a girl)

I'm not going to hide the best parts of myself all my life

creative writing today was more like an art class; I made a poster (?) with a few lines from my poem, and surprisingly, both the teacher and I liked it

gathered all the signatures from my flatmates for K.'s visit, and I need to bring the document back to administration

I'll be writing an analysis of a scene from Macbeth today (hate this assignment, don't like analysing plays overall); tomorrow, I want to return all the books to the library since I only need "The Penelopiad" for the next week and I read it online

my previous assignment still hasn't been marked, so I have no idea if I should be nervous or how much effort I should put into my analysis this week...

started "The Penelopiad"

feels like it's going to be a genuinely interesting and easy read

watched a boring film with A., I wouldn't have even finished it if it weren't for the film studies

a beer and snacks, a nice evening, I would say, but she's close-minded, and I constantly have this nagging feeling like I want to change her; I feel like she's uncomfortable in her own skin because of all these internal restrictions

or I just imagined it because she's 17 and I projected the feelings from my own teenage years onto her

K. is going to stay with me for 2 nights this weekend!

it means I will get a good sleep before the scary last week of summer school

I can't make myself follow any kind of sleeping schedule when I live alone; given the amount of work I need to do in the final week, I will probably be sleeping about 3 h per day...

the lecturer of film studies knows how to surprise

I just watched "The Innocents", which I thought would be a classic, old-fashioned horror movie without actual horror; instead, it turned out to be a psychological thriller with themes of repressed female sexuality and child abuse

what I definitely didn't expect - to see a kiss between an adult woman and 10yo boy in a 60s movie TWICE

after watching suddenly felt anxiety and a disturbing sense of the finitude of life

my creative writing teacher told me today "not to use rhymes in my poetry until I have at least a year of experience in writing poetry"

to me, it sounds like utter nonsense

other students who are doing the same course as I am told me that teachers are trying to make us write "trendy," "saleable" stuff, which sounds like a good explanation for this situation

I'm going to write the kind of poetry I like anyway, but send drafts without rhyme and rhythm for marking

it's a shame I'm forced to do so

I got my first A in summer school!

it's for the film analysis I put so much work into yesterday!

it was worth it woohooooo!

couldn't believe my eyes after getting a C before

he showed up around 11pm with "jesus, I was at work, what happened"

I didn't ask why he wasn't responding to my messages at all, which he usually does even if he's busy at work, because this question feels kind of controlling and we don't have any control in our relationship

but I feel offended for some reason, despite knowing that I'm overly anxious and it's been proven to me many times that my panic is usually just an overreaction

well it's time to start reading "Macbeth"