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I collapse onto the alleyway floor and say wearily, without expression --
Every time when I try to open up, I sense only the hostility and the desire to eradicate what I am. Maybe they love "me" unconditionally, but that is the "me" they think I am... I am tired of people telling me that they love me. Their love, if left unchecked, would destroy me, and that includes getting me deprived of things that are very dear to me, including the limited freedom of communication, movement and, by consequence, thought that I have now.
Believe me, I tried. It's not for the lack of trying. It's not my maximalism.

I can't express things anymore, as the blackness inside eats me alive.

April 05, 2024 00:42

Oh. Exploring the hidden depth on my own self.

I was going to be dependable, I really was. The young dependable guy who just does it, just makes it work, just... Just lives through life.
You know, I was ready to take responsibility, be an adult, make decisions. I did it, in my own right.
The 17-year old me was so much more ready for an adult life than an 18-year old me.
I was like Nike, "just do it" -- not the hesitant silly mess that I was later.
Ah well, it's all just some water under the bridge, and the old stories of an old man nobody cares about, even himself.
I sit here in the uneven LED light, being doubtful and uncool.
The weather is really soft and crying-like and I want to die.

March 25, 2024 18:54

Слушаю Graveworm, афигенная музыка

Graveworm - I the Machine
Graveworm - Losing My Religion
Graveworm - Fear of the Dark
Graveworm - Timeless
Graveworm - See No Future

March 12, 2024 10:42

Not of command, or responsibility, but the sheer inability to talk to someone senior with enough trust.
It is finally getting to me, among my life being in shambles, ongoing professional crisis, and the guilt of not contributing enough to the war effort, and things.
I honestly want to die, to just cease to exist for the first time in years.
To just end it end to hell with the consequences.

I am more privileged than most, but so what?
I remember my last "normal" days in life and I and wish I had made the different choices -- without fully understanding them even now.
But then I realize that along the privilege, I held a curse to my name.
And then I just want to quietly off myself.

February 01, 2024 01:57

Fuck me, <censored>, how do you think, would a young lad that got through years of suffering long desperately for something that would just _end_ it?
Not something that would bring happiness, normality, not something that would make things better -- just _end_ it.
A numbing symptomatic treatment, especially when there's no viable alternative, either it or trying to survive the old way.
When you burn, you don't think about mortgage plans, psychological trauma or career -- you only can think about how to _stop_ burning.

I was on my very last legs those days, I don't rightfully know how much time was left but not a lot.
I was descending into madness long before the cursed 2014.
I just forgot.

January 13, 2024 04:25

London Bridge is falling down
Falling down, falling down
London Bridge is falling down
My fair lady

January 10, 2024 17:07

What will become of this year?
I think nothing overtly good, we will be lucky if we will get past some really nasty shit like the partial foreshadowing collapse of the Western Civilization as we know it.
I try to escape as hard as I could, not able to do things, not able to change things.
My escape is turned into a curse, and my very unfortunate cold is keeping me at home, not able to see the green island world of so far lingering normality.
I want to get out and escape even more in the simple motions of driving, stillness of the winter gardens and the roar of the ocean at the cliff edge.
Another year a lot of us will be lucky to simply survive.
We made it. Now we suck because of it. Simple.

January 03, 2024 00:24

OK -- last days of December again.
What can I say?

Is it really the end of the second year of the war with no end in sight?
In the island capital city center, where there were the Ukrainian flags last year, now everything is riddled with the palestinian terror-state flags.
Trump is about to get presidency again and destroy the US as we know it, and it's not even Trump who is a problem as the republicans as a whole are choking Ukraine support over domestic issues.
The Western civilization and society, as it looks to me, had lost the will to live, choked down in the multiculturalist tolerance and the sense of guilt. Now, if they don't wake up, they will know the real suffering.

December 21, 2023 01:54

Выходные прошли быстрее чем я думала. Мало работала, ничего не сделала. В целом как обычно. Я осознала, что от ошибки не убежать и оставила подписку на П. Думаю, стоит еще как-нибудь его наведать. Подписку. So, here is a question of the day: am I delusional or did he walked around me an entire time I was there? How many times do I have to see him in a span of ten minutes to consider him interested in me? What is the area of the room to the time gap between two looks ratio? Gap. I need to overcomplicate this, of course I do. I need to know the numbers, I need the exact answer, no 50/50, no maybe, probably, most likely. Does he or doesn't he.

December 18, 2023 22:20

One is competitive and the other one is really creative

December 13, 2023 16:54

November 29, 2023 09:24

Песня дня:
Alan Walker, Noah Cyrus, Digital Farm Animals feat. Juliander - All Falls Down

November 27, 2023 14:26

In the kfc. Predvkusheishen of the favorites foods.

Отнесла деньги Э

Слушаю Эру милосердия

В супермаркете надо масло сливочное купить

Поход в парк лучше отменить

Мне нужно понять , в чем моя стезя, потому что я себя к сожалению воспринимаю только в связке с кем то, а отдельно себя не воспринимаю. Значит надо понять, с кем же я на самомо деле в связке.

November 27, 2023 06:35

November 21, 2023 16:19

Happy BDay to me

October 31, 2023 21:13

Фотки клевой девочки

October 26, 2023 18:13

I can't sleep again,
And there is a faint light in the window
Of my personal jail
With a view on the streets

I write here sitting in the Discord voice chat, listening to the lads chattering, and it dawns on me again.
It's 2007, and I'm standing on a pier with the lads, watching them practicing the drown-and-rescue exercise. They are happy and chatty, basking in the rays of the fleeting summer.
Myself, on the other end -- I am not.
I can't fathom what I'm doing among them, although I'm perfectly accepted and valued -- I'm but an alien.
I turn away and stroll towards the City -- not to see most of them ever again.
"My personal jail with a view on the streets"
I've built it.

August 26, 2023 22:38

Left hand is still numb
Left side of the face as well.

I was mowing my lawn, the heartburn felt very sudden, and the numbness followed quickly.
It was on Monday, and now is Wednesday.

Honestly, I'm mulling around letting it play out, after all it's what I want, isn't it?
Or is it?

I can't really pin any role on myself, even that of a self-destructive middle-aged card-carrying moron.
Maybe it's better to let it stop the natural way.

But then I think about those who will regret my passing and I suddenly feel angry and unfulfilled.
That, and not wanting to die just yet.

Silly of me, truly.

August 23, 2023 17:02

I burn down.
Sometimes slowly, sometimes as fast as gasoline fire spreads, leaving only burnt out terrain in its wake, but it's the perennial nature of it that scares me the most.
"Tea, cookies and slow decomposition" -- the keyword was "slow".
It's not slow anymore.
It's fast as if you're riding the waves of your own destruction.

I feel like I'm back somewhere in 2016 but with less time to spare.
I was supposed to be retired quietly, rotting almost alone on an island full of green, not this.

It's the feeling again -- you're surrounded by walls whenever you go, and they are slowly moving towards you.
At some point they are going to crush you.
And I pray that I do'nt hear my own crack.
I do.

August 11, 2023 11:01

She shines
But for her it's dark and grime
On the inside cries for help but
On the out her eyes are dry

The world is one big horror story
But you got me by your side

August 06, 2023 14:08

I wish it was different.
I wish we could have been whole, I wish I never had those partial information games and the life full of some weird shit.
But it was pre-decided way out there.
I had no chance.
We had no chance.

It's so ironic I really understand it only now that all of the dies are cast.
I have no real purpose, no real meaning, no real life, forever lost in variances of variances of variances &so on..
I'm falling, falling, falling on those sharp rocks under me, trailing smoke from under my shredded wings, and it seems that the fall lasts like forever.
But it does not.
Once I reach the ground level, the landing time will come.
And only time will tell whether I will walk away from it.

July 25, 2023 02:00

I had no chance.
I was robbed of many things by the people that I now feel the obligation to support and even somewhat revere.
I truly had no chance, being an outcast, an exile at my core because it's what I was being taught to be.
Decades later, a grown-up version of me reluctantly gives up on the dream of fixing it all.
Decades later, a grown-up version of me is a hermit, living alone in the darkness of painful thoughts.

I am still in a cage made by my own mind, that mimic the teachings of those I hate.
I shiver thinking about the possibilities if only I would have followed them.
When I die I would really like to have a chat with the Devil.
If He would care enough to chat, that is.

July 13, 2023 22:46

It hurts.

July 09, 2023 00:53

Each day is like a creepy nightmare,
I'm ripping off the layers of emptiness,

The Awakening.
I'm not going anywhere.
And this track is hard to even find today, although it reverberated through crowds of people a decade ago.
As if this timeline is not fully the continuation of the one I lived through.
I would not have been very surprised to learn that it's actually the Gods-honest truth.
The memory of a generation was erased, twofold, without replacement.
We're hollowed-out shells, doing shit of all kinds and forms.

Long ago, when I was young, I didn't think that it would come to this.
Now I cannot fathom the emptiness that it left in us.
As if we were dead already.

July 05, 2023 01:19

In and out.
In -- and out.
The days got brighter, the music got darker.
I lost myself in more ways than one.
It's like I'm way younger and trying to invent an adult me of the pieces of my childhood that's already past me.
And failing -- so far.
My plans went to shit in more ways than one.
I will curse myself for the rest of my life for the things I did (or rather did not or did less) this year.

I'm back to the state when I want to drink. I want to drink myself to oblivion, just like in 2010 when I had plans to make some money just to live a year in a heroine bliss, and overdose and die when the stuff runs out.
Maybe in the end it would have been much better that what had transpired, Lahesis

June 30, 2023 00:38

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Aart 🐦