I have 2 get my life back from her claws. J'ai déjà suffer assez ! Necesito salir de esa mierda. Es Enormemente difícil. Cada día, cada pequeña tarea es un desafío enorme. Ich prüfe ganz viel und es ist verrückt. Ich weiß dass am meistens es ist alles in mein Kopf. Aber trotzdem, das zu wissen macht mein Leiden nicht weniger intensiv und schmerzlos. Je lauter & lauter - nix geht besser. K, now I've got viel Angst whoops. I think i was 2 l8 2 wake up early. The host is speaking loudly there. I'm so scared & anxious ffs fml. It's my 2nd week & I'm doing awfully bad. I needa step up ASAP bc I'm so scared 2 fail this probation period, I've no other way out. I fucked up by not getting back ups..
I was living in a haze,
Lost in sweetened disguise,
Met by people that don’t exist at all
I thought my life was a blaze
Amidst the tides that rise
I saw them all, I saw them fall
Then I wake up in sweat, dang I am retarded
I had made all my bets, now my life is sharded
I’m just paying my debts to be found discarded
In the graveyard for pets I am reduced to shreds and I have lost common sense I had, but lost my one chance to not be lost in the dense, and now I’m lost in suspense for being lost is my trance that brings me over the fence
I glitch, and then I’m inside.
V stressed. L8 w/ Wrkaway tasks & my own. I need sympathy, empathy, commiseration, compassion, LoVe ! Everything i did 4 her i wanted her 2 do 4 me. I want a special magical fantasy world thing that may not exist. I want unconditional love from a woman. This might b biologically impossible. Impossible in this world in more than one sense & or way. I feel like hell despite having gone to the damn maritime alps yesterday, done physical exercise, getting some maybe pseudo semi attention on IG & i don't even fkn know... I want a perfect ideal dream fantasy fairytale love 2 make everythin right for me. I want her 2 inspire me 2 want 2 live & b disciplined in achieving immense success & fulfilment.
Warum soll 3s so sein ? Warum ? Warum immer so ? Wtf... Ich hab so viel.. like wtf how why. Chantel's moved 2 Cornwall.. got a receptionist+admin job at the optician's. Haven't talked in like over a month ? She still excited for me 4 moving sm. I'm not, never enough 4 my brain 2 just simply satisfied, content & happy if objectively I'm in fkn paradise. It's never enough. I'm not changing the world how I want, i don't have my perfect love, i don't have anythin i dream of & if i did I'd prob still b fkn míserable 4 some other reason so what's even the fkn point ? Still i will ALWAYS come up w/ retarded reasons 2 keep goin, just never perfectly disciplined, arduous, industrious & coordinated...
33-immer noch nicht draußen gewesen..nix zum Frühstück xd nix zum Arbeit getan & nix gemacht, einfach die ganzen Tag nix. Aber moment mal, gibt's doch noch was. Vllcht ich koche heute, die ganzen Tag? Oder? Weiss ich net was noch kann ich machen weil gibt's nix zum Essen. Was srsly considering Kys after dr house shorts got me 2 watch the show. How am i gonna overcome AA? Accidentally Saw the guest's tits..fml thought they let me go in ffs.. anyway, tomoro we gon go fungi pickin which is not what u'd expect in maritime alps..Gon go keep cuckin myself & runnin away from livin a better life bc a lil bit o discomfort is gonna kill me. Discomfort now, more comfort l8r is a no no 4 me apparently...
Why did i ever fkn Trust Her why did i ever fkn Trust Her why did i trust her why did u trust her why was i so weak i let myself become a person vulnerable to someone like her why why why... I'm in immense mental pain how am i ever gonna recover wtf... I needed help, i asked for it and i always ever get punished I'm so fucked rn, so fucking fucked ffs fml how am i ever gonna b alright or better if i never am content with just ok and these things from the past AND the future keep haunting, constant regret & anxiety fucking ALWAYS ! I'm never alone, this every present ubiquitous Phantom lingers in the corner, constantly and it always fkn overshadows any faint hint of happiness or anything good
"And I don't hold killing me against you, I told you as much."
In those stony days of the n-ties, it was all different.
He didn't. And that old, frail lady who was surrounded by her close ones, was not, strictly speaking, the one who had left him for dead in the grass of the midnight park.
Another dialogue, m years ago, with those pesky officials plays in his head
- but she left you to die, didn't she?
- Only because I asked her to. She was about to...
- People are judged by their actions, not intentions.
- My action was to ask her to let me die, then. Go judge me on that in addition to...
They all knew what he did.
And they all knew who killed him.
He calculated it perfectly.
Win-win.
it's a very warm and sunny day
I got a knitting kit from Kt., and she (?) had already started it; it's three cacti in tiny flower pots
I always manage to kill real plants, so maybe I'll be more successful knitting them
decided to postpone making leche frita until the weekend, but I still need to:
1) do laundry
2) do my Spanish homework
3) take a look at my Humanities in Practice assignment, which is due next week
I want some UPF sweets, but I don't have any at home, and my accommodation is so far from any supermarkets that I won’t buy them today either
I’ll stick to apples and wine I have at home (all organic!)
the absence of supermarkets is apparently good for my health
okay, I completed 4.5 out of 7 tasks from my list today, which is already good
I felt autumn vibes today for the first time this year - took lots of photos around campus and plan to create "study aesthetic" posts on my Tumblr
the mycology society meeting wasn't bad; the free food was obviously the cheapest possible, but the 20% discount on all drinks is a nice bonus
tomorrow, I need to:
1) prepare again for the Humanities in Practice workshop
2) do my Spanish homework
3) do laundry
4) probably try the leche frita recipe if I have the energy in the evening
tomorrow is already October
crazy how time flies by
I only have 1 class tomorrow, so I plan to get a lot of other things done:
1) cancel my wine subscription
2) attend the mycology society meeting
3) read ANYTHING on my leisure reading list
4) reply to messages on all my social media and messengers
5) create October pages in my journal
6) post something new on Instagram
7) prepare for the Humanities in Practice workshop
today, I had 4 classes from 11am to 6pm, cooked food for today and tomorrow, and now I’m in the process of doing my nails
quite productive, I guess
I also need to revise my Spanish flashcards and make new ones today
I'm Fkn dying God, pls i beg U save me ! I can't I'll miss my fkn flight, I'm dying real bad rn i can't help it. All these fkn emotions, executive dysfunction, it's all going outta control ffs fml ! I'm having a mental fkn breakdown w/ lil peep in the background, suitcase only half packed, flight in less than 24h I'm so fucked !!! I need help and no 1 is ever there, just fkn explain why tf put me thru all this pain and suffering !?!??!? I need a way out & i can't keep going thru this pain, why was i always so weak?!? Couldn't even ever prevent it bc i was just ALWAYS in this much pain unable to do anything AT ALL 2 get better and all hope is lost & I've no clue when if ever I'll make it...
Pos bitchin abt and botherin me again. Besoffene Sau 🤬 kann nicht mehr, Gott sei Dank dass ich gehe weg ! Bitte, ich bete dass ich muss niemals zurück ! Niemals mit sie wohnen fml ffs es ist so fkn schrecklich ! J'en ai eu assez ! C'est juste trop ! Pos, pofkns ! Trop difficile de se calmer quand des choses vont comme cela et cette pos bothers me so fkn much ! I hope i get my way. I was told i will. Hardly can believe it but at this point i shouldn't ever b surprised no moe, no matter what happens bc this life... Is so fkn insane. I go crae crae. Pce out, may Our Lord b w/ U bud ! Praise be upon U, Lord !
4h... Tt l matin j'ai fait absolument rien ! Q branlé & match monsters & qqs msgs sur TG & WA & rien de plus like wtf how am i gonna even get there if i haven't even fkn brushed my teeth yet ?! How is life gonna go ? Yeah... I'm so fucked.. on the other hand, I am, as always, super harsh on myself. Yesterday at the spot in d forest i told myself it's ok if i fail. If i fail at revenge or any of my dreams. It's fine, nt a big deal. Wat I'm doin now is tryin. Even if it doesn't seem like it. I did respond 2 those damn msgs, i did DO THINGS. As fkd as it all may b, I'm not totally completely fkd. Just mostly fkd.. Alas, such is my fate. Woe is me. & if u step in and make it right, I'll rejoice.
yesterday, I accidentally found a fascinating book in the library called "No Man's Land: Sexchanges"
literally, all of the topics in it are right in my area of interest; now, I just need to find the time and concentration to read it - on top of all the other books in my study programme and my personal reading list, aha
A. has also become interested in puzzles, and now it’s our go-to activity during breaks
today and yesterday, I wore my most princessy outfits because I ran out of clean socks, but I still had clean tights (the cost of laundry is the source of my femininity, ahahah)
I met an interesting guy with a rat tattoo in my Spanish class; we have a lot in common, but he’s probably gay
Addicted...Morning starts from my addiction. Nt evn half way thru my old suitcase. Didn't even brush my teeth. Will still go play match monsters now& Nolife away...I can't believe I'm still thinking of how fkd up she was and how fkn much i loved her fucking kitty & what a lying monster cunt she is & what a loser i am 4 falling 4 this shit& being so fucking weak in life i got into a position this vulnerable in life in the first place. If only i got go get my social circles, finances, fitness & mental& special health in check... Some pos smoking again, won't ever let me breathe fresh air ffs.. u look at me & think how tf is he gon get any kinda personal justice in life if he's like that fml.
the workshop went well
on my way back to my accommodation, I bought a 1,000-piece puzzle from a charity shop for only £3; it’s an illustrated periodic table of the elements
I’m far from being a chemistry nerd, but it looks fantastic, and I think I might actually memorise the periodic table by doing this puzzle
to-do for today:
1) make Spanish flashcards
2) do research for the Humanities in Practice workshop
3) declutter my desk to make room for the puzzle
4) do homework for the Spanish module
I can't deal with stupid people
I sent emails with detailed explanations and even screenshots to the lady in the Languages Department, trying to enroll in an additional module; yet, she still thinks I'm referring to module X (which is a completely different module with a different timetable and teacher, despite her having the SCREENSHOTS from the university website)
how is she getting paid if she’s completely unable to do her job
also, yesterday I fell asleep earlier than intended, and this morning I didn’t have time to read all the material before today’s workshop
and I just noticed my white trousers are dirty, and I can’t fix it before class
I'm on the verge of blind rage
Been a while, didn't brush my teeth, no bweakfast, just a lousy apple.. Only PMo, barely got dressed, just spent the whole day on match monsters & yt shorts & similar nolifing... I hope to get proper hobbies and actually do shit once I'm working and doing well. Fk that cunt for doing this to me, I've no idea how am i ever gonna find someone to replace her and how can i even trust anyone ever again, given my track record. I'm absolutely unable to get any at all ! Well, i got somewhere, it's a long way to go, still, but we're not yet stopping altogether, now r we ? One tiny step at a time.. wanted to go get lukum but said must brekkie first but bc i need cut an onion - exec dysfunction overload
It's not gettin bttr w/ my exec dysfunction... Morning is hell, alc pos is still infuriatin me, I've no clue how to find strength 2 write the Goddamn letter. And i need to do it in the coming weeks. I'm scared, a bit at least, for how my host will b, how much workload am i gonna b given.. Job, studies, loneliness, strong emotions not letting me go, move forward, get somewhere in life... I wish i reread those papers last summer and confronted her, asked her what she's willing to do for ME ! and realised that she won't do shit für me, I was just kissing that pos's ass.. i h8 that cunt so badly now. I want 2 taste it again tho.. that's it, I've a clear path set in motion.
¡Retribution!
Alcoholic pos disgustin Oma is poisonin the fkn air i breathe when she's close ! Ffs how can that bitch so blatantly lie that pos nasty retard moron immoral wench ! I am so glad i won't b dealing w/ that pos again and God pls never again anythin like that ! How many moe fkn pos will u send me ? Why do u force me to suffer always, just fkn WHY ?! Barely finished sortin those papers today. No idea how imma keep goin. Only 5 fkn days left fml amd i barely got to packin my suitcase and tomoro is fkn TUESDAY AAAAARAARRRRGGHHGRGRHRHRGRGGHHHHHHH FAAAAAAAAAACK DAAAAAAAAAAMN IIIIIIIT BOB SAGETT !!!!!!!!! now that nasty wench is whisperin loudly and smackin talkin to herself that alcoholic moron !!
Last days of The Bridge,
I am full of cringe
There are six of us really,
We’re crossing the ridge
The ridge to the ditch,
My memories glitch,
I go down the stairs
And I open my fridge
I blink, then I flinch
For just within my reach
There’s one little bottle
Of poisonous bleach
Our time has no mercy,
Our time had been up,
We just aren’t worth it
We’re going to pop
Shit.
This day is so fitting for the last vacation day.
Bad news all day, dialogues overheard that threw me in the abyss of flashbacks afterwards.
I want to vomit, to make it all different, fuck it, to smoke, to leave it all behind.. Not to leave it behind, dammit it is physically hurting me, I think I am back to the 2008 levels of madness.
I want just to burn it all, erase all of the data so carefully stored and live on a farm somewhere in the middle of nowhere.
Instead I would try to fit 4 weeks of AI courses in 6 hours, and prepare for tomorrow.
I am a fucking coward, a hypocrite, a weakling and a traitor.
It never hurt me more to know it than today, but tomorrow it might hurt me more.
woke up very early while all of my flatmates were still asleep (cause it's Sunday); cooked pasta and fish in peace - I love cooking alone
sent emails about additional evening Spanish classes, set up automatic payments for student accommodation, and finally finished the "results of time-blocking" page in my journal
did my nails! I hadn’t done them for a week after getting a bad cut on one of my fingers, the 1st layer is pink, and the 2nd is silver, so they have a silvery look with a pinkish undertone <3
ordered 2 bottles of wine because I got a coupon for 2 free wines from Cellar Rats; unfortunately, they didn’t have the wine I really wanted in stock, so I’ll be searching for it elsewhere
I feel so peaceful sitting in the university park before classes, I want time to stop right here
today, I have classes I feel confident in
during my break, I have infinite possibilities: I could read in the café, put together puzzles in the creative space, go to the library to write a review for my book blog, and so on
after classes, K. will be here because he got a loan for a new car just to see me every week while I’m living in student accommodation
then we’ll go home together for the weekend, and we will have a peaceful night
this is the life I’ve created for myself, although I have no idea how I managed to achieve it, given the shit I was born into
Fire eats me, it eats me slowly but steadily until I forget to breathe...
I drift off to sleep.
I wake up.
IT is standing over me, around me, tormenting me, playing with me like a diligent cat with a stupid mouse, imitating the strikes that never happen.
And then I wake up.
I try to relive the vibes and peer into the archives with blind eyes, until...
Until I find another line to tug to spill the burning sands of time on my gentle skin.
Fuck, it hurts.
Suppressing the desire to curl into a ball, I desperately turn on the music while I still have some sanity left in me to do it.
It calms me down for a while.
Then I go here and write it down.
As if it helps.
It actually might.
I should stop.
What !F users say
Only today learnt about !F and created an account. Have to admit, this site is interesting and special, indeed. The idea is quite the thing! I'll be keeping my diary in spite of anything. I like this anonymity so much!
Fikus
I really enjoy reading other participants, it's so much more sincere here than in any social network.
Дынька
Such a funny idea, to keep an online diary, which can be read by anybody - and nobody at the same time.
Daryel'
I like a lot that there are no comments on !F. Here I have an impression that I am writing just for myself. I have less concern that my message will be evaluated.
!ХуеРы
I like Fragmenter very much. Now I have extra motivation to change. It's a big difference – just write to myself in a paper notebook, or write in order to share my thoughts.
Fragmenter is cool – I start to think once and again why I'm so depressed and how I came to be like that.
Туле 🌱
Fragmenter is the best thing that happened to me this year!
Aart 🐦