wanna breathe

desire can only be fed

inside you're ugly, you're ugly like me

you only die once

one of K.'s rats died, and the others don't look good either; we don't even have vets for small pets here

they're not my pets, but it was obviously sad to see, and unpleasant to notify him about it

now I have a tiny corpse in the apartment, and after he's back from work, we're going to bury it

a disturbing reminder of the mortality of all living things

I haven’t been able to sleep normally for 3 days straight because of nightmares and sleep paralysis

I don’t know what’s going on; maybe my brain has decided to release all the anxiety and tension from the 1st semester

my uni is facing terrifying budget losses, and our principal resigned - like a rat abandoning a sinking ship

my favourite eng lit teacher won’t have any hours to teach next semester due to the budget cuts

I still don’t know what the basis for Ukrainians' visa extensions will be or whether I’ll be granted one

K. keeps talking about how we’re inching closer to ww3 every day

I guess these are the reasons behind my struggles with sleep...

It still burns me inside but you know what?
I don't care.

I am not dead yet so I exist. I just go. I move with the tides of time.
If life is such a vengeful, careless bitch why should I be any different?
Was I ever any different?

I just sit in a junky room alone with my thoughts and I waste my time on nothingness that numbs my pain.

There were several times when I thought that I truly can into meaningful achievements.
After that it was a time when I though I can just retire and just be myself, if I can manage to find myself.
Now I know that I cannot do neither and I just try to plan ahead -- more than it's rational.

Or not.
Time will tell.

the rain has been pouring for a few hours straight, and it doesn’t seem like it’s going to stop anytime soon

I’m drinking Irish cream (the cheap version of Baileys) in bed and feeling so unmotivated to do anything

I’m thinking about skipping the rest of the cleaning and not doing laundry either... maybe I’ll just pack my dirty clothes with the clean ones and wash everything at home all together

I do need to finish "Fun Home" today tho; tomorrow I have to return all the library books in case someone wants them while I’m out of the city

I also need to wash my hair, pack my bags, and try to prepare for tomorrow’s Spanish exam

I got a B on the last one, which is fine, but I want an A

I just found an ungodly amount of black mold under my window frames and almost puked while cleaning it

I never even looked at those spots because I didn’t know mold could grow there!

back in Ukraine, I never had this problem - probably because the air was drier... and in my sponsors' house… I don’t know? maybe the building was constructed differently?

anyway, I wasn’t even able to clean all of it, and now I’m terrified that I’ll have to pay extra for cleaning when my contract ends

I’m already paying double the normal price just because it’s student accommodation, plus I have my own toilet… which is obviously a luxury...

I can't believe December started

I will be 24yo soon

Another day, and I indulged in my other side, remembering things from my previous life, when I hit the page I didn't look at for ages.
Well, shit.
I see dead people.

When I created a folder on my then very outdated PC somewhere around 2009, or was it 2010? When I did it, I didn't think it will come to that.

I had written you off decades ago and I was right, but seeing your grave is still hurting me, because I never thought that will come to this.
I should have, no, I must have ignored even more people. As it if matters.
As if anything in this life matters.

We will all go under, just as you have done.
Sooner or later.
We all will.
Everything will perish eventually.

But you did it sooner.

had a kinda productive day, a nice conversation with a friendly woman from Vietnam at my bus stop, then a pint of cider with the mycology society

but on the way back to my accommodation, I was sinking into depression

I hate these mood swings, and I don’t know what triggers them

what did I do wrong today? drank a pint of cider? talked about spouse visas? discussed rent prices?

maybe I’m subconsciously annoyed about K.’s comment regarding me not writing “I” in the phrase “love you”?

I want to drink more - I have wine in the fridge - but I’ll feel terrible tomorrow, and I can’t allow that

I have a project presentation and a long study session, many hours of essay writing ahead of me

another wasted evening after my 9-5 (in fact, 10-19). feeling damn misery and an urge to demolish smth

seems i should load content in myself on a constant basis to remain on the feet. otherwise, the brain, this parasite of still unknown nature, will find a way to drown myself into sins, like gluttony, sloth etc. the most common sins of generic people, besides the anger

i’d rather drown in pride

also feeling long for a fresh conversation with somebody not from my current circle; someone new to enhance my inner Abyssinia

i can see the future: as usual, i shall shut off at about 2 am, shall be late for the office, shall do nothing useful today… so tired of myself

how do i make myself real?

Had a transparent conversation with Music the day before: she asked what exactly I’m searching from our interaction. Told I’m taught to not build long-living expectations, and it’s more important to save comfort for the both sides in a moment.

Also introduced a specialty into our conversations after she said she takes promises very seriously — promised to answer frankly to any question she addresses. Hope it won’t come out sideways.

Thinking of the options of going out this Sunday. It’s quite cold in MSK already, but we’re heading into the outer environment. There is cinema option as well — ‘Bird’, 2024, freshly released.

Wouldn’t like to fall too deeply, but it seems to already happen.

Building cloud castles along with Music, feeling like I’m surpassing some unseen limits. Offered to travel either to Greece or Czech Republic during following July-August.

Also we’re going out this weekend: in cinema or in Kolomensky valley. Being a bit nervous, but eager about this fact.

I wonder how she is in the real IRL life. Also going through self-acceptance as ‘estrogenic moron’, how net-troll commented my photo from Kirow. Hope that Music won’t get pushed away by my current appearance — whatever people say, we tend to dis-sympathize those whose outer look is not conventional.

Don’t saying mine is, but I’m a bit fat now. 90 kilos are my own burden. Shall be a long time losing ‘em.

I had an extremely productive night yesterday, and I’m in a good mood today, ready to get lots of things done

but I feel like when I’m happy and doing well here, it creates distance between me and K. because he’s clearly unhappy without me

his emotional dependency on me makes me uncomfortable sometimes, but I’m going to enjoy my life while I can; if he feels this way, it’s not my responsibility to fix it, I have enough of my own mental health issues that I can’t fully control

WTF I am even doing here.

it flashes before my eyes while I am trying to delve into the intricacies of the dirty dataset I try to wriggle its secrets from.

It flashes before my eyes like a epileptic kaleidoscope of madness, the blend of VR and IRL, crazy but infinitely attractive, a fire and I fly towards it...

...Fire. It burns, fumes are slowly drifting to the silent Greek sky. The gravel is splashed with black, the stray rubbery tire quietly rots near the gates.
It keeps us warm through the cold nights on the mountain P, when I point my camera at it and it blends into the sensor with warm, spleen-like patterns.
It is inside, scorching me this night.
It is i^WAnd then we're all done for.

Anyhow, I got to betray my whole personality constitution and try to live without S.; seems like her reoccurances cut me off so deeply that my life turns into garbage straight away. I managed to live somehow without her for half a year — will manage further, perhaps. She should be accepted as a virus I ought to recover from and gain immunity. Idk how, since I'm still sick, but maybe sometimes better times will reach. I just have to move on in this immense world of pain and beauty and try to save my own summer from it.

Bored of dumping the theme of suffering creator, of my misery, pain, etc, it's not that entertaining. Weak aura, as they say.

Loathe for office still persists tho.

Am I too brittle to handle two jobs or the matter is in the office itself? It's not a, let's say, hard style factory — why do I react so sharply to being a regular worker? Got too attached to the stereotypes about mindless wageslaving? Being wayward?

It started half an hour ago, and I'm still home. Didn't make night and morning posts at crypto-job once again.

Why am I playing with fire knowing well that reality will implement sanctions for being undisciplined, full of proper will? Why can't I simply follow the basic pathetic rules for the least considerable amount of time? Why do I tend to worsen my own life? Why can't I follow my own decision?

Somebody save my soul.

Bought my meds, will resume taking 'em from tomorrow.

Wish I was more confident. Wish I could express the stuff I feel, not socially-accepted prompts and narcissistic mist about poetry and eternity. Wish S. made up her mind and got back to me. Wish there were no traumatized psychopaths and crowds of dumbo conformists following them, having mistaken true power with various acts of violence. Wish kind people didn't have to act violent to simply survive. Wish things weren't so slow, pathetic, predictable and common. Wish I hadn't personality disorder. Wish I believed in God. Wish money'd sip from the sky. Wish I found an undeniable reason to live. Wish my close ones bystood me becoming real.

S. is unintentionally cruel with me rn. Knowing I still long for her, love her truly and naturally, she invites me periodically due to the ‘loneliness and nasty feels’, to ‘you are a precious person for me’ — that all despite her distant ‘current’ (let him burn in hell). Why does she proceed with my agony if she’s strong in her opinion about me — that I’m a bohemian dumbo with little material ambitions, who won’t ensure her happiness? Can’t comprehend and get beneath motions.

Maybe I should act bold, show cruelty in respond and disappear, leave her? I tried — to be frank, what I’ve not tried: girls in vain, office, writing a novel, self-destruction, this web-page…

Oh, a message from her.

Maybe the only style which is truly mine is not about light, heaven, joy, love, progress, smiles, cooperation, health, family, excellence, wisdom, power — but about dark matter of despair, shadow, solitude, black colour, frustration, drama, perversions, egocentrism, arrogance, hysteria, violence, weakness.

I would love to finally find myself in the first type, but again and again remain lonesome in the space of second type.

Perhaps, should accept that my role here is to be nothing more than a visionaire of decadence. Thus, at least, I’ll find peace inside of being a Sun denier, a vampire. Thus I’ll finally start doing practical stuff, not endless show-off.

How to remain kind and saint?

The Smiths’re saving me from despondency once again. In the heart of mediocrity, I tend to become crucially categoric, using words as a last weapon of defending from reality which is trying to slip into me and establish its own order. Nah, I’d been developing my own formula of existing for the whole life — widely accepted human recipe loses the inner fight.

Being so stubborn, so rigid I should accept the fact that, opposing the society, being a non-confor, I’ll be usually rejected by them. No surprise that tears of being lone appear afterwards.

Atmosphere prevails over sense, as I’m strongly convinced. Supreme sense fans’ve lead us to two World Wars in previous century.

Repeat mistakes.

Listening to witch-house in the office wc as a tradition to cheer myself up in the start of the day. There is this sadist sitting in front of my work place — feeling like he’s an anti-matter for my own entity.

The major part of my life felt insecure to use the vocabulary I use, either in eng or in rus. But what can I do with the fact I feel these loud words deeper than regular ones? Words are the continuation of one’s mind, the direct reflection, and I pretend to be unique, so can’t help myself with the pathos.

S. put a challenge in front of me — to stop being a weak infant. I’ll lead life as I should — as an unbreakable master, not a coward.

Willing to disintegrate her ‘current’.

my tooth crown fell out

at 6pm on workday, only one (!!!) pharmacy in the city was open, and they didn’t have dental cement to fix it

I can’t register with a new dentist here because they’re all full (only private practices with crazy prices are available)

it’s not considered an emergency because I’m not bleeding or in severe pain (I won’t feel pain - I don’t have nerves in most of my teeth)

and recommendations say I can’t eat or drink until the crown is back... do they want me to starve?

anyway, I ate and had a beer... tomorrow, I’ll try to ask my uni’s dental department to accept me as a guinea pig and have other students fix my tooth

I hope I don’t lose it