I was flossing and...

a bit of whatever it was between my teeth just... jumped out of my mouth, reflected from the mirror and went into my eye

and I can't take it out

I want to disintegrate myself

I wake up at 9, have breakfast, count my calories, write notes for a seminar on literary theory, go for a run, do strength exercises, mix a protein shake, commute to university, talk about literary theory for an hour and a half, go grocery shopping, commute home

6.5 hours of my life are gone

now I need to attend a meeting about Ukrainian visas, cook dinner, and do homework for my Spanish classes

I'm just studying, trying to eat healthy and stay active, and it takes up all my time

how do people also have jobs and a social life

You know what?
Being unmotivated sucks. Like seriously, fucking royally SUCKS.
First time in my life I think I am unmotivated with a need to be motivated.

Before, either the doom was upon us and I was fucking motivated to avert it, or I was somewhat peacefully decomposing in peace and it was enough for me to just slog around in relative sleepiness.

Now I (more like Copilot on autopilot lol) had written the simple program in Python to make me fucking work as if I am a fucking slave and some other me is a fucking slavedriver -- at once.
How deep I had fallen, my dear Internets or what's left of them...

As I said. Sucks.
But I think it is somewhat necessary since I refuse to live on my own.

I wanna be satisfied with what I have
I'm always chasing higher placement
This bump is not enough
And when I hit the pavement
Don't save me
I'm such a waste of space

I'm always waiting for the weekend
I'm always hoping for a reset
I will be happy when I'm older
Why is everything never good enough for me?
Why is everything never

fitter, healthier and more productive
a pig in a cage on antibiotics

I will transition into 2025 in 8 hours

at the moment, I'm walking around town keeping an eye on K. (he's high on mdma)

this year, I started my second higher education and my second official relationship

I also began learning my 4th language and started exercising to become stronger and healthier

so far, it looks like I'm heading in the right direction

please, 2025, don’t fuck me up

New Year is upon us.
We did survive 2024. Quite an achievement, for some more than for the others

My intellect says that 2025 would be a year of falling alliances, collapsing civilization, and lost wars.
That the world as we know it would be on a firm path to destruction by the oppressive, collectivistic idiots who might even cause an extinction event. The year, when humans might fail as a race.

Meanwhile my intuition continues to say that it would be JUUST FIIINE.
Than it's not so bad, and things would even out and be okay-ish. Maybe even good.
That while there would be war, and we would be neck-deep in shit, it would not be the end, but rather the turning point.
Am I delusional?
Probably.

That tomorrow, that I was supposed to be dead,
I felt like the youngest of teens in their fake immortality,
It felt like I turned seventeen
Like fully alive, and not lost in the nonlinearity,

I should’ve been mad, like seriously fucking mad,
I should’ve been overcome with insanity,
But who cares what I should have been?
I’m alive, though I’m scarred by reality

With a shear that I wear like a badge of my shame,
Or my honor—it really depends on perception.
What’s your name? Really, what was your fucking name?
All I hear is your silence, encased in the bonds of deception.

I'm experiencing violent diarrhoea in a McDonald's toilet 20 minutes before my optician appointment, life isn't great at the moment

A consolation of maturity, if you can call it that.
At least I hope I would not experience it all over again (that's about my turbulent 17-28 years, no more no less lol)(okay mostly 17-22)
At least I still cringe from the ghost of the insufferable pain when I try to truly remember.
At least all the shite of the last years is _not_ really worse. It just seemed worse because I didn't truly remember what worse felt like.

I will finish my little practical data science forays and I will go to sleep.

Knowing that I have the consolation of maturity.

That it's over and I am too desensitized to repeat it.
Even if it repeats again I will probably just shrug it off.
That crap really does it to you.

Streetlight
Pick a fight with a stranger
I've been saving up my anger
Staking up like pennies in my pocket
Whistle like a runway train and i lost it

Personalized jesus,
Personal fight
Everything's gonna be all right

wanna breathe

desire can only be fed

inside you're ugly, you're ugly like me

you only die once

one of K.'s rats died, and the others don't look good either; we don't even have vets for small pets here

they're not my pets, but it was obviously sad to see, and unpleasant to notify him about it

now I have a tiny corpse in the apartment, and after he's back from work, we're going to bury it

a disturbing reminder of the mortality of all living things

I haven’t been able to sleep normally for 3 days straight because of nightmares and sleep paralysis

I don’t know what’s going on; maybe my brain has decided to release all the anxiety and tension from the 1st semester

my uni is facing terrifying budget losses, and our principal resigned - like a rat abandoning a sinking ship

my favourite eng lit teacher won’t have any hours to teach next semester due to the budget cuts

I still don’t know what the basis for Ukrainians' visa extensions will be or whether I’ll be granted one

K. keeps talking about how we’re inching closer to ww3 every day

I guess these are the reasons behind my struggles with sleep...

It still burns me inside but you know what?
I don't care.

I am not dead yet so I exist. I just go. I move with the tides of time.
If life is such a vengeful, careless bitch why should I be any different?
Was I ever any different?

I just sit in a junky room alone with my thoughts and I waste my time on nothingness that numbs my pain.

There were several times when I thought that I truly can into meaningful achievements.
After that it was a time when I though I can just retire and just be myself, if I can manage to find myself.
Now I know that I cannot do neither and I just try to plan ahead -- more than it's rational.

Or not.
Time will tell.

the rain has been pouring for a few hours straight, and it doesn’t seem like it’s going to stop anytime soon

I’m drinking Irish cream (the cheap version of Baileys) in bed and feeling so unmotivated to do anything

I’m thinking about skipping the rest of the cleaning and not doing laundry either... maybe I’ll just pack my dirty clothes with the clean ones and wash everything at home all together

I do need to finish "Fun Home" today tho; tomorrow I have to return all the library books in case someone wants them while I’m out of the city

I also need to wash my hair, pack my bags, and try to prepare for tomorrow’s Spanish exam

I got a B on the last one, which is fine, but I want an A

I just found an ungodly amount of black mold under my window frames and almost puked while cleaning it

I never even looked at those spots because I didn’t know mold could grow there!

back in Ukraine, I never had this problem - probably because the air was drier... and in my sponsors' house… I don’t know? maybe the building was constructed differently?

anyway, I wasn’t even able to clean all of it, and now I’m terrified that I’ll have to pay extra for cleaning when my contract ends

I’m already paying double the normal price just because it’s student accommodation, plus I have my own toilet… which is obviously a luxury...

I can't believe December started

I will be 24yo soon

Another day, and I indulged in my other side, remembering things from my previous life, when I hit the page I didn't look at for ages.
Well, shit.
I see dead people.

When I created a folder on my then very outdated PC somewhere around 2009, or was it 2010? When I did it, I didn't think it will come to that.

I had written you off decades ago and I was right, but seeing your grave is still hurting me, because I never thought that will come to this.
I should have, no, I must have ignored even more people. As it if matters.
As if anything in this life matters.

We will all go under, just as you have done.
Sooner or later.
We all will.
Everything will perish eventually.

But you did it sooner.

had a kinda productive day, a nice conversation with a friendly woman from Vietnam at my bus stop, then a pint of cider with the mycology society

but on the way back to my accommodation, I was sinking into depression

I hate these mood swings, and I don’t know what triggers them

what did I do wrong today? drank a pint of cider? talked about spouse visas? discussed rent prices?

maybe I’m subconsciously annoyed about K.’s comment regarding me not writing “I” in the phrase “love you”?

I want to drink more - I have wine in the fridge - but I’ll feel terrible tomorrow, and I can’t allow that

I have a project presentation and a long study session, many hours of essay writing ahead of me

another wasted evening after my 9-5 (in fact, 10-19). feeling damn misery and an urge to demolish smth

seems i should load content in myself on a constant basis to remain on the feet. otherwise, the brain, this parasite of still unknown nature, will find a way to drown myself into sins, like gluttony, sloth etc. the most common sins of generic people, besides the anger

i’d rather drown in pride

also feeling long for a fresh conversation with somebody not from my current circle; someone new to enhance my inner Abyssinia

i can see the future: as usual, i shall shut off at about 2 am, shall be late for the office, shall do nothing useful today… so tired of myself

how do i make myself real?

Had a transparent conversation with Music the day before: she asked what exactly I’m searching from our interaction. Told I’m taught to not build long-living expectations, and it’s more important to save comfort for the both sides in a moment.

Also introduced a specialty into our conversations after she said she takes promises very seriously — promised to answer frankly to any question she addresses. Hope it won’t come out sideways.

Thinking of the options of going out this Sunday. It’s quite cold in MSK already, but we’re heading into the outer environment. There is cinema option as well — ‘Bird’, 2024, freshly released.

Wouldn’t like to fall too deeply, but it seems to already happen.