This interface is reminding me of the past.
Things that I barely remember -- partly because I don't want to, partly because I simply can't.
IDK, people, it was so long ago...

I was so different back then -- and things were so different around me.

And yet.

I can't shake that feeling that I will wake up at some point and it would be all a dream.
But it won't.
It is real.

And whatever I do, it will be.

Hi

I feel like shit

I need to search for a flat for the next academic year and talk to my flatmates about it

I need to do something about a fungal infection (?) on my skin

America is in a fucking mess

I don't even live in America

I started the no-doomscrolling challenge, but so far, it’s only making me more anxious

I had my first pulsating headache in a few months

I often forget to feel grateful for my body feeling okay, but I should

it's a real privilege to live without pain

1) хочу music box
2) who wrote.music for Gilbert grape

That boy's life + Don't look up

yesterday, I was so immersed in photos and videos from my dodgeball game that I missed my bus stop

and as if that weren’t enough, halfway home, I realized I had also left my shopper on the bus with the groceries I had just bought

how can I be academically successful yet unable to concentrate on such trivial things at the same time?

i never really wanted to live

a random girl in the toilet complimented my trousers yesterday, and today I'm wearing these trousers again

I'm afraid that no one could ever love me

1) never buy skimmed milk again

2) especially if you're going to make a protein shake with pure whey protein

3) if you've already made a protein shake with skimmed milk, you can fix your mistake by adding Baileys to it

I think somewhere on my health journey, I took a wrong turn...

I was flossing and...

a bit of whatever it was between my teeth just... jumped out of my mouth, reflected from the mirror and went into my eye

and I can't take it out

I want to disintegrate myself

I wake up at 9, have breakfast, count my calories, write notes for a seminar on literary theory, go for a run, do strength exercises, mix a protein shake, commute to university, talk about literary theory for an hour and a half, go grocery shopping, commute home

6.5 hours of my life are gone

now I need to attend a meeting about Ukrainian visas, cook dinner, and do homework for my Spanish classes

I'm just studying, trying to eat healthy and stay active, and it takes up all my time

how do people also have jobs and a social life

You know what?
Being unmotivated sucks. Like seriously, fucking royally SUCKS.
First time in my life I think I am unmotivated with a need to be motivated.

Before, either the doom was upon us and I was fucking motivated to avert it, or I was somewhat peacefully decomposing in peace and it was enough for me to just slog around in relative sleepiness.

Now I (more like Copilot on autopilot lol) had written the simple program in Python to make me fucking work as if I am a fucking slave and some other me is a fucking slavedriver -- at once.
How deep I had fallen, my dear Internets or what's left of them...

As I said. Sucks.
But I think it is somewhat necessary since I refuse to live on my own.

I wanna be satisfied with what I have
I'm always chasing higher placement
This bump is not enough
And when I hit the pavement
Don't save me
I'm such a waste of space

I'm always waiting for the weekend
I'm always hoping for a reset
I will be happy when I'm older
Why is everything never good enough for me?
Why is everything never

fitter, healthier and more productive
a pig in a cage on antibiotics

I will transition into 2025 in 8 hours

at the moment, I'm walking around town keeping an eye on K. (he's high on mdma)

this year, I started my second higher education and my second official relationship

I also began learning my 4th language and started exercising to become stronger and healthier

so far, it looks like I'm heading in the right direction

please, 2025, don’t fuck me up

New Year is upon us.
We did survive 2024. Quite an achievement, for some more than for the others

My intellect says that 2025 would be a year of falling alliances, collapsing civilization, and lost wars.
That the world as we know it would be on a firm path to destruction by the oppressive, collectivistic idiots who might even cause an extinction event. The year, when humans might fail as a race.

Meanwhile my intuition continues to say that it would be JUUST FIIINE.
Than it's not so bad, and things would even out and be okay-ish. Maybe even good.
That while there would be war, and we would be neck-deep in shit, it would not be the end, but rather the turning point.
Am I delusional?
Probably.

That tomorrow, that I was supposed to be dead,
I felt like the youngest of teens in their fake immortality,
It felt like I turned seventeen
Like fully alive, and not lost in the nonlinearity,

I should’ve been mad, like seriously fucking mad,
I should’ve been overcome with insanity,
But who cares what I should have been?
I’m alive, though I’m scarred by reality

With a shear that I wear like a badge of my shame,
Or my honor—it really depends on perception.
What’s your name? Really, what was your fucking name?
All I hear is your silence, encased in the bonds of deception.

I'm experiencing violent diarrhoea in a McDonald's toilet 20 minutes before my optician appointment, life isn't great at the moment

A consolation of maturity, if you can call it that.
At least I hope I would not experience it all over again (that's about my turbulent 17-28 years, no more no less lol)(okay mostly 17-22)
At least I still cringe from the ghost of the insufferable pain when I try to truly remember.
At least all the shite of the last years is _not_ really worse. It just seemed worse because I didn't truly remember what worse felt like.

I will finish my little practical data science forays and I will go to sleep.

Knowing that I have the consolation of maturity.

That it's over and I am too desensitized to repeat it.
Even if it repeats again I will probably just shrug it off.
That crap really does it to you.

Streetlight
Pick a fight with a stranger
I've been saving up my anger
Staking up like pennies in my pocket
Whistle like a runway train and i lost it

Personalized jesus,
Personal fight
Everything's gonna be all right

wanna breathe

desire can only be fed