I should not have become fake.
I should have stayed genuine BUT
I was so fucking tired of it.

At that fateful time, pretty young and already obsessed for years, losing chances after chances after chances, constantly caught between vivid flashbacks and grueling, desperate work -- I was losing it.
I was losing it so much I barely had any will to live.
I needed something, just fucking something to make me feel better.
I found it and it cursed me. Maybe blessed me. But it certainly cursed me, all that talk about blessing and curses makes me remember what I was at that time and how much I deserved it.
Understanding it doesn't change the outcome.
I thought I would die before this moment but alas.

Ich kann nicht es tut mir weh. Obsessed, huh ? I woulda fkn left peacefully if u helped me n had empathy & actually CARED 4 my feelings & effort & attention, time, resources etc... Instead u LIED ! Nasty bitch ! Invalidated EVERYTHING i did 4 u & made it all senseless & meaningless 😭😭😭😭 2,5men s3e7 🥲 didn't fkn have 2 do me this way. Et mtn j'ai pas d force d tt fml. Il faut nettoyer la cuisine, briser mes dents, me baigner & dormir ffs but i just fkng CAN'T !!!! les émotions avec autant d douleur ! J n l supporte pas d tt 😔 Worst is that the world's so unfair & I'm so powerless & helpless & hopeless 2 bcme strong enough 2 make it fair 4 myself ! & I fkn COULD !!! I've everything i need

Well, there we fkn go. Olives, lava & pebbles & raked leaves & even cooked early somehow & talked 2 Серёга & Эрмилаос & Chantel Гэрмайни грейнджэр & she always gibes me these grand entrances that lady, well thanks 4 her fr 4 being so fkn kind n sweet xd anywhos - I'm doing all good RN kinda & it's 3am again.. Ermilaos asked me 2 wake him up @9 his time... I've no clue how imma wake up myself fml. When he said go to bed i couldn't just like that. I had a while routine 2 go thru.. pmo & discord helping me clean up after eating urgh & now I'm still here dreaming of that fishy smell & that cunt out there enjoying herself that fucking bitch i want her 2 suffer that pos ! How am i getting better ?!

So in the past 2h I've only overcome adhd & existential dread & yada yada etc by a tiny bit. Eeny miny tiny bit. Brushed my teeth, got dressed, had brekkie at 2 fkng pm... Now gotta get my glasses cleaned & cut olive branches off.. awful ik.. also i responded 2 Elena on ig, finally ! Would b gr8 2 ramasser quelques kaki ! Also Damien is coming soon ! Ooooof ! Lmao rmmbr i accidentally kissed Rassen on his cheek a couple days ago xaxaxaxa those french coutumes xddd i just can't. Was frying by the stove & he leaned in 4 the trad greeting & i fd up w/ the positioning & brain wanting 2 about awkwardness by ofc creating more of it ! Aight, then olives ain't getting themselves done on their own !

What has changed ? Chuis tjrs l même garçon qui passivement laisse tt mes problèmes me consumer. Ich kann eigentlich noch mehr, stärker kämpfen gegen revenge bedtime procrastination. If i go to bed earlier i can drop off cv's in the morning, if i pre-cook i get more time the next day for food. If i go to more events i get to have more chances of socialising & MAYBE even finding someone... At least not 2b lonely. Yesterday i did sm:
-herbalife
-écran
-imprimer
-2x hôtel 3*
-2×resto veg
-1 magasin confiture
& Even cooked noodles. Granted i needed HOURS 2 start it & went 2 bed@3 & now it's oh look - magic ! 12:12 i rly want 2 find a way 2 live w/ myself & actually enjoy it somehow...

I've had small red dots and bruises all over my legs for a few weeks now

it either means I'm somehow getting microtraumas without noticing, or I'm in the early stages of blood cancer

choose your fighter

I'm gr8ful 4 Moe strength this Thursday. N that i pulled thru on fri. Today was a long morning. Didn't wake up, even if i tried. Only now feel like goin on w/ my day but still not quite so sure what will b of it... Life feels so weird. I just keep lookin back & forward. Thinkin of wha was, reminiscing sm craziness and imaginin doin sm moe & perseverin but it's still the same. Wake up l8 BC revenge bedtime procrastination bc unfulfilled bc don't have the strength 2 keep lookin 4 ways 2 feel better & then I don't look, don't feel better, don't do shit 2 improve & continue the cycle & can't get out no matter how much i want to or try. Same shit for a decade or my whole life ? Breathe in strength

I was pretty unhinged in the last years.
I think it is time to become hinged.

Even if it hurts as fuck, who cares.

Nt sure what 2 do & how 2b tbf. Ingwer fertig, Zwiebeln auch& NOCH Linsen !! Spinat ist 30 oder mehr % Faul geworden & ich bin vlcht nur~halb da :/ wenn's weiter so dann schlage ich was, 3 Uhr nach Mitternacht oder sowas ffs fml aaäaaaaaaargh scheiß Kartoffelfresser ffs !! Wenn's besser wäre.. бляяяяяяяять !!!!!!! Jsp jsp Como todo sobrepasar.. she'll pay tho, i always have that cunt in the back of my mind or at least it comes back often enough every fkn day ffs fml aaaaarrggghh !! Still sm left, this spinach symbolises my life. 'xcept mine won't b clean & Gucci & "meal ready" as easily fml. Sm regret. But fuck it fml w/er - rn I'm dying trying. Back's killing me & I've no massage ~carpet....

I wish i could fkn have som1 to fkn talk 2 ffs fml, the RIGHT typa person ffs fml !!!!! Aaaaasaaaarrrrgggghhhhh !!!!!! It's so fucked uuuuuiiuuuuuuuuuuup !!!!!!!! I h8 it i h8 it i h8 it i h8 it i h8 it ! Faaaaaack myyyy liffeeeeeee faaaaaack !!!!!!! I can't believe I'm in the samefkn situation AGAIN !!!!!!!!! i h8 this PREDICAMENT !!!!!! so fkng powerless i can't do shit Abt it ! Any of it ! Faaaaack, i fkng h8 myself & HER & EVERYTHING ! i want revenge on this whole ass disgusting rotting evil world... It's so unjust, so unfair, so corrupt, so nonsensical, so... I can't even run away &.. fuck. Fuck this shit. Imagine me succeeding... Imagine me being alright.. Imagine me making her pay.

don't want closure anymoe. In career, relationships, purpose/meaning/happiness ~life, w/er i decided i Just want justice & nothing else. The world is unfair& the only way 2 make it fair is 2 do it yourself. Only way 4 me perso is 2bcome strong enough 2 do it or die trying. Rn I'm dying trying BC i can't even fkn go cook for myself xd & it's getting super late. My host wakes up @5 fkn AM ffs.... I start my tasks in the afternoon bc even if i wake up at 9 or 10 i can't start so soon ffs & I'm scared & even if i go to bed at 5 i must wake up at 7 & force myself 2 work. Lately I've been going to bed after 2 or just midnight... Oh well, w/er gotta work w/ what I've got.

Where are those -- free, bright, genuine, where are they now... how were they calling themselves?
M-something? M-someting-M? M-something... nah, can't forget without having a shot.

Anyway, ye'r asking where are they?
Dead.
All of them, more or less, some just like that, killed in the hail of horrific events, some succumb to the cocoon of the inner emigration, and the happiest of them are building a new life elsewhere. They will never be -- never be that anymore. A force.

But why? The future? They were the future! Their future.
Well, who knows, buddy?
They killed the future. Now they have no future.
Ans us? Do we have one?
Remains to be seen.

And then I slowly go to sleep, fairly depressed.

I'm doin rly bad. I don't wanna weep again. Bawl my eyes out curled up on the floor but i feel like collapsing sm rn... If only... If only i were strong enough back then.. 2 prevent me bein so weak rn. If only i coulda done it...Now i just have 2 suffer the pain of being weak & powerless while my oppressors punish me and i have barely anythin 2 fight back. Now that i can finally climb the stairs better 2 bcme whom i dreamt of bcmin - I'm weak, my knees bend & i fall.. can't get up, not easily at least. It all collapses under me. The weight above & quicksand below.. this trap of never sufficing, nev3r bein right, never ... That or this way..& then when u do get there.. It's still never enough.

I'm very anxious before travelling, as usual

the first bus coincides with my last class today, and I’m going to tell about that directly and leave the class early

but what's the point of living if you pass up opportunities for new emotions and experiences because of pointless worrying

I’m going to live fully while I can

Groggy morning again. Damien is waiting for me 2 come out & help w gardenin. Host may come back soon. I still want a smoothie & I can't go look 4 clothes 2 wear ffs i h8 this !!! why am i like this & why do i only ever c hell ?! i just don't want it 2 b this way anymoe !! i beg u, pls God, save me ! ¿¡¿¡¿¡why why why did u give me that hope w/ my ex just 2 take it all away & remind me that this is nothin but eternal sufferin, wtf did i even do in my past lives 2 deserve so much pain !!!!??!??!!! Lord loves torturing me, eh ? Gotta get up, do all this shit, bcome independent & successful & powerful so that no woman, no person can ever hurt me so bad ever again ! I don't wanna cry sm anymoe😭😭

9:20am on Saturday

I'm alone in the whole university library

I'm SSS

smart sociable sleep deprived

What should i say 2 myself ? Wha should i do.. it's all rly wrong. Ik what i want & how 2 get it. Exec dysfunction is killin me tho. I haven't looked into moe ways 2 spite it. Pas d choix q de 2 fight on. My spectacles r dirty. Stopped hiding it. Opened P regularly. Why is it always latinx.. i must get guap. Wish it were easier 4 me. Just like that it gets screwed over by my e-dysfunction. Where does that leave me, where do we stand, isn't it cruel, wtf is this meow fmlffs urghhh Vamos pa'rriba tío ! Il n'est pas important 2tt mais on finira. Arthur et les Minimoys ! Terabithia! "¡I believe in magic, we believe in magic!" Power Rangers Mystic Force !

I have 2 get my life back from her claws. J'ai déjà suffer assez ! Necesito salir de esa mierda. Es Enormemente difícil. Cada día, cada pequeña tarea es un desafío enorme. Ich prüfe ganz viel und es ist verrückt. Ich weiß dass am meistens es ist alles in mein Kopf. Aber trotzdem, das zu wissen macht mein Leiden nicht weniger intensiv und schmerzlos. Je lauter & lauter - nix geht besser. K, now I've got viel Angst whoops. I think i was 2 l8 2 wake up early. The host is speaking loudly there. I'm so scared & anxious ffs fml. It's my 2nd week & I'm doing awfully bad. I needa step up ASAP bc I'm so scared 2 fail this probation period, I've no other way out. I fucked up by not getting back ups..

I was living in a haze,
Lost in sweetened disguise,
Met by people that don’t exist at all

I thought my life was a blaze
Amidst the tides that rise
I saw them all, I saw them fall

Then I wake up in sweat, dang I am retarded
I had made all my bets, now my life is sharded
I’m just paying my debts to be found discarded
In the graveyard for pets I am reduced to shreds and I have lost common sense I had, but lost my one chance to not be lost in the dense, and now I’m lost in suspense for being lost is my trance that brings me over the fence

I glitch, and then I’m inside.

V stressed. L8 w/ Wrkaway tasks & my own. I need sympathy, empathy, commiseration, compassion, LoVe ! Everything i did 4 her i wanted her 2 do 4 me. I want a special magical fantasy world thing that may not exist. I want unconditional love from a woman. This might b biologically impossible. Impossible in this world in more than one sense & or way. I feel like hell despite having gone to the damn maritime alps yesterday, done physical exercise, getting some maybe pseudo semi attention on IG & i don't even fkn know... I want a perfect ideal dream fantasy fairytale love 2 make everythin right for me. I want her 2 inspire me 2 want 2 live & b disciplined in achieving immense success & fulfilment.

Warum soll 3s so sein ? Warum ? Warum immer so ? Wtf... Ich hab so viel.. like wtf how why. Chantel's moved 2 Cornwall.. got a receptionist+admin job at the optician's. Haven't talked in like over a month ? She still excited for me 4 moving sm. I'm not, never enough 4 my brain 2 just simply satisfied, content & happy if objectively I'm in fkn paradise. It's never enough. I'm not changing the world how I want, i don't have my perfect love, i don't have anythin i dream of & if i did I'd prob still b fkn míserable 4 some other reason so what's even the fkn point ? Still i will ALWAYS come up w/ retarded reasons 2 keep goin, just never perfectly disciplined, arduous, industrious & coordinated...

33-immer noch nicht draußen gewesen..nix zum Frühstück xd nix zum Arbeit getan & nix gemacht, einfach die ganzen Tag nix. Aber moment mal, gibt's doch noch was. Vllcht ich koche heute, die ganzen Tag? Oder? Weiss ich net was noch kann ich machen weil gibt's nix zum Essen. Was srsly considering Kys after dr house shorts got me 2 watch the show. How am i gonna overcome AA? Accidentally Saw the guest's tits..fml thought they let me go in ffs.. anyway, tomoro we gon go fungi pickin which is not what u'd expect in maritime alps..Gon go keep cuckin myself & runnin away from livin a better life bc a lil bit o discomfort is gonna kill me. Discomfort now, more comfort l8r is a no no 4 me apparently...

Why did i ever fkn Trust Her why did i ever fkn Trust Her why did i trust her why did u trust her why was i so weak i let myself become a person vulnerable to someone like her why why why... I'm in immense mental pain how am i ever gonna recover wtf... I needed help, i asked for it and i always ever get punished I'm so fucked rn, so fucking fucked ffs fml how am i ever gonna b alright or better if i never am content with just ok and these things from the past AND the future keep haunting, constant regret & anxiety fucking ALWAYS ! I'm never alone, this every present ubiquitous Phantom lingers in the corner, constantly and it always fkn overshadows any faint hint of happiness or anything good

"And I don't hold killing me against you, I told you as much."
In those stony days of the n-ties, it was all different.

He didn't. And that old, frail lady who was surrounded by her close ones, was not, strictly speaking, the one who had left him for dead in the grass of the midnight park.

Another dialogue, m years ago, with those pesky officials plays in his head
- but she left you to die, didn't she?
- Only because I asked her to. She was about to...
- People are judged by their actions, not intentions.
- My action was to ask her to let me die, then. Go judge me on that in addition to...

They all knew what he did.
And they all knew who killed him.
He calculated it perfectly.
Win-win.