okay, I completed 4.5 out of 7 tasks from my list today, which is already good

I felt autumn vibes today for the first time this year - took lots of photos around campus and plan to create "study aesthetic" posts on my Tumblr

the mycology society meeting wasn't bad; the free food was obviously the cheapest possible, but the 20% discount on all drinks is a nice bonus

tomorrow, I need to:
1) prepare again for the Humanities in Practice workshop
2) do my Spanish homework
3) do laundry
4) probably try the leche frita recipe if I have the energy in the evening

tomorrow is already October

crazy how time flies by

I only have 1 class tomorrow, so I plan to get a lot of other things done:

1) cancel my wine subscription
2) attend the mycology society meeting
3) read ANYTHING on my leisure reading list
4) reply to messages on all my social media and messengers
5) create October pages in my journal
6) post something new on Instagram
7) prepare for the Humanities in Practice workshop

today, I had 4 classes from 11am to 6pm, cooked food for today and tomorrow, and now I’m in the process of doing my nails

quite productive, I guess

I also need to revise my Spanish flashcards and make new ones today

I'm Fkn dying God, pls i beg U save me ! I can't I'll miss my fkn flight, I'm dying real bad rn i can't help it. All these fkn emotions, executive dysfunction, it's all going outta control ffs fml ! I'm having a mental fkn breakdown w/ lil peep in the background, suitcase only half packed, flight in less than 24h I'm so fucked !!! I need help and no 1 is ever there, just fkn explain why tf put me thru all this pain and suffering !?!??!? I need a way out & i can't keep going thru this pain, why was i always so weak?!? Couldn't even ever prevent it bc i was just ALWAYS in this much pain unable to do anything AT ALL 2 get better and all hope is lost & I've no clue when if ever I'll make it...

Pos bitchin abt and botherin me again. Besoffene Sau 🤬 kann nicht mehr, Gott sei Dank dass ich gehe weg ! Bitte, ich bete dass ich muss niemals zurück ! Niemals mit sie wohnen fml ffs es ist so fkn schrecklich ! J'en ai eu assez ! C'est juste trop ! Pos, pofkns ! Trop difficile de se calmer quand des choses vont comme cela et cette pos bothers me so fkn much ! I hope i get my way. I was told i will. Hardly can believe it but at this point i shouldn't ever b surprised no moe, no matter what happens bc this life... Is so fkn insane. I go crae crae. Pce out, may Our Lord b w/ U bud ! Praise be upon U, Lord !

4h... Tt l matin j'ai fait absolument rien ! Q branlé & match monsters & qqs msgs sur TG & WA & rien de plus like wtf how am i gonna even get there if i haven't even fkn brushed my teeth yet ?! How is life gonna go ? Yeah... I'm so fucked.. on the other hand, I am, as always, super harsh on myself. Yesterday at the spot in d forest i told myself it's ok if i fail. If i fail at revenge or any of my dreams. It's fine, nt a big deal. Wat I'm doin now is tryin. Even if it doesn't seem like it. I did respond 2 those damn msgs, i did DO THINGS. As fkd as it all may b, I'm not totally completely fkd. Just mostly fkd.. Alas, such is my fate. Woe is me. & if u step in and make it right, I'll rejoice.

yesterday, I accidentally found a fascinating book in the library called "No Man's Land: Sexchanges"

literally, all of the topics in it are right in my area of interest; now, I just need to find the time and concentration to read it - on top of all the other books in my study programme and my personal reading list, aha

A. has also become interested in puzzles, and now it’s our go-to activity during breaks

today and yesterday, I wore my most princessy outfits because I ran out of clean socks, but I still had clean tights (the cost of laundry is the source of my femininity, ahahah)

I met an interesting guy with a rat tattoo in my Spanish class; we have a lot in common, but he’s probably gay

Addicted...Morning starts from my addiction. Nt evn half way thru my old suitcase. Didn't even brush my teeth. Will still go play match monsters now& Nolife away...I can't believe I'm still thinking of how fkd up she was and how fkn much i loved her fucking kitty & what a lying monster cunt she is & what a loser i am 4 falling 4 this shit& being so fucking weak in life i got into a position this vulnerable in life in the first place. If only i got go get my social circles, finances, fitness & mental& special health in check... Some pos smoking again, won't ever let me breathe fresh air ffs.. u look at me & think how tf is he gon get any kinda personal justice in life if he's like that fml.

the workshop went well

on my way back to my accommodation, I bought a 1,000-piece puzzle from a charity shop for only £3; it’s an illustrated periodic table of the elements

I’m far from being a chemistry nerd, but it looks fantastic, and I think I might actually memorise the periodic table by doing this puzzle

to-do for today:

1) make Spanish flashcards
2) do research for the Humanities in Practice workshop
3) declutter my desk to make room for the puzzle
4) do homework for the Spanish module

I can't deal with stupid people

I sent emails with detailed explanations and even screenshots to the lady in the Languages Department, trying to enroll in an additional module; yet, she still thinks I'm referring to module X (which is a completely different module with a different timetable and teacher, despite her having the SCREENSHOTS from the university website)

how is she getting paid if she’s completely unable to do her job

also, yesterday I fell asleep earlier than intended, and this morning I didn’t have time to read all the material before today’s workshop

and I just noticed my white trousers are dirty, and I can’t fix it before class

I'm on the verge of blind rage

Been a while, didn't brush my teeth, no bweakfast, just a lousy apple.. Only PMo, barely got dressed, just spent the whole day on match monsters & yt shorts & similar nolifing... I hope to get proper hobbies and actually do shit once I'm working and doing well. Fk that cunt for doing this to me, I've no idea how am i ever gonna find someone to replace her and how can i even trust anyone ever again, given my track record. I'm absolutely unable to get any at all ! Well, i got somewhere, it's a long way to go, still, but we're not yet stopping altogether, now r we ? One tiny step at a time.. wanted to go get lukum but said must brekkie first but bc i need cut an onion - exec dysfunction overload

It's not gettin bttr w/ my exec dysfunction... Morning is hell, alc pos is still infuriatin me, I've no clue how to find strength 2 write the Goddamn letter. And i need to do it in the coming weeks. I'm scared, a bit at least, for how my host will b, how much workload am i gonna b given.. Job, studies, loneliness, strong emotions not letting me go, move forward, get somewhere in life... I wish i reread those papers last summer and confronted her, asked her what she's willing to do for ME ! and realised that she won't do shit für me, I was just kissing that pos's ass.. i h8 that cunt so badly now. I want 2 taste it again tho.. that's it, I've a clear path set in motion.

¡Retribution!

Alcoholic pos disgustin Oma is poisonin the fkn air i breathe when she's close ! Ffs how can that bitch so blatantly lie that pos nasty retard moron immoral wench ! I am so glad i won't b dealing w/ that pos again and God pls never again anythin like that ! How many moe fkn pos will u send me ? Why do u force me to suffer always, just fkn WHY ?! Barely finished sortin those papers today. No idea how imma keep goin. Only 5 fkn days left fml amd i barely got to packin my suitcase and tomoro is fkn TUESDAY AAAAARAARRRRGGHHGRGRHRHRGRGGHHHHHHH FAAAAAAAAAACK DAAAAAAAAAAMN IIIIIIIT BOB SAGETT !!!!!!!!! now that nasty wench is whisperin loudly and smackin talkin to herself that alcoholic moron !!

Last days of The Bridge,
I am full of cringe
There are six of us really,
We’re crossing the ridge

The ridge to the ditch,
My memories glitch,
I go down the stairs
And I open my fridge

I blink, then I flinch
For just within my reach
There’s one little bottle
Of poisonous bleach

Our time has no mercy,
Our time had been up,
We just aren’t worth it
We’re going to pop

Shit.
This day is so fitting for the last vacation day.
Bad news all day, dialogues overheard that threw me in the abyss of flashbacks afterwards.
I want to vomit, to make it all different, fuck it, to smoke, to leave it all behind.. Not to leave it behind, dammit it is physically hurting me, I think I am back to the 2008 levels of madness.
I want just to burn it all, erase all of the data so carefully stored and live on a farm somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

Instead I would try to fit 4 weeks of AI courses in 6 hours, and prepare for tomorrow.

I am a fucking coward, a hypocrite, a weakling and a traitor.
It never hurt me more to know it than today, but tomorrow it might hurt me more.

woke up very early while all of my flatmates were still asleep (cause it's Sunday); cooked pasta and fish in peace - I love cooking alone

sent emails about additional evening Spanish classes, set up automatic payments for student accommodation, and finally finished the "results of time-blocking" page in my journal

did my nails! I hadn’t done them for a week after getting a bad cut on one of my fingers, the 1st layer is pink, and the 2nd is silver, so they have a silvery look with a pinkish undertone <3

ordered 2 bottles of wine because I got a coupon for 2 free wines from Cellar Rats; unfortunately, they didn’t have the wine I really wanted in stock, so I’ll be searching for it elsewhere

I feel so peaceful sitting in the university park before classes, I want time to stop right here

today, I have classes I feel confident in

during my break, I have infinite possibilities: I could read in the café, put together puzzles in the creative space, go to the library to write a review for my book blog, and so on

after classes, K. will be here because he got a loan for a new car just to see me every week while I’m living in student accommodation

then we’ll go home together for the weekend, and we will have a peaceful night

this is the life I’ve created for myself, although I have no idea how I managed to achieve it, given the shit I was born into

Fire eats me, it eats me slowly but steadily until I forget to breathe...
I drift off to sleep.
I wake up.
IT is standing over me, around me, tormenting me, playing with me like a diligent cat with a stupid mouse, imitating the strikes that never happen.
And then I wake up.
I try to relive the vibes and peer into the archives with blind eyes, until...
Until I find another line to tug to spill the burning sands of time on my gentle skin.
Fuck, it hurts.
Suppressing the desire to curl into a ball, I desperately turn on the music while I still have some sanity left in me to do it.
It calms me down for a while.
Then I go here and write it down.
As if it helps.
It actually might.
I should stop.

In retrospect, I had good reasons not to die.
I still might have them.

I might.

Unfamiliar sounds bring memories I am not supposed to have, I don't have, I can't have.
I go full paranoiac and start checking every nook and cranny for the sound source, like in <censored> <censored> years ago.

At night I am listening to Maes, the Moroccan lad I picked up on in Paris, speaking to LLMs about the weirdest of stuff instead of playing Skyrim or doing labs -- because I can.

It all would not have happened if I had ended my life those n years ago.

It's not why I think I had reasons not to die.
Those reasons lie outside of me (yes I am Cartesian as fuck and so what?)

There is only emptiness inside.

yesterday was a sunny and pleasantly warm evening; I was walking home after spending a few hours reading in the park

a man with the face of a young Zachary Quinto hurried past me, carrying champagne and sweets; he walked up to someone's porch, knocked on the door, and froze, waiting with his hands hidden behind his back

the door opened, and he did a small, improvised dance before revealing the champagne and sweets; I had only seen his back, but it looked like he was smiling

I hope he had a good evening yesterday

this week, I've been pushing my social battery to the limit, and I think I'm learning how to talk to random people in English all day long and appearing enthusiastic about it

occasionally, I really enjoy it

today, at the freshers' mingling event, I exchanged Instagrams with 3 people:

1) a very cute girl with whom I played games at the event (English and creative writing)

2) a girl who reminded me a lot of my ex-friend, which made me feel some dislike, but I didn't show it (English and philosophy)

3) a guy from India who is SO Indian (in a good way), and his legal name is Sunny (which suits him perfectly); he's not studying English, so I won't see him in any of my classes, unfortunately

I finally more or less organised my desk (took me over a week to finish this task)

I made a bowl of spaghetti with pesto sauce, prawns, and cheddar for lunch; now, I’m eating the leftovers for dinner with a glass of Italian white wine (I don't actually have a glass, I'm drinking from the bottle, but who cares)

if you want to cook something easy and delicious, step 1 - have money...

the wine isn’t the greatest, but it's also not my favourite variety; I chose it because it pairs well with prawns, and I had a sample bottle anyway

feeling a bit sad for no reason - maybe because I spent the last two days drinking in great company, and now an evening alone in my room feels a little lonely

I had a fantastic night yesterday

I went to Drag Bingo with A.; she mentioned she doesn't usually enjoy events like that, but I could tell she had fun, too

they had free wine, and by the time Bingo ended, I was already drunk; when I got home, I saw my flatmates in the kitchen and couldn't resist going in to share my experience

they poured me more wine, and we tried one of the bottles I got delivered yesterday (it was one of the best wines I've ever had), and I ended up standing in a nearby cemetery at 4 a.m., in slippers, with a cup of tea, watching my flatmates smoke

today, my body hates me, but it was totally worth it

no idea how I'm going to survive the final Freshers' party tonight

I felt so hyper this morning, but after a walk, I now feel strangely sad; I think K.'s misery is affecting my mood

I don't feel depressed or incomplete without him, but it worries me that he feels this way without me; I unintentionally created emotional dependency in him

my wine delivery arrived today; the bottles were packaged so beautifully that I don’t want to unsubscribe from the monthly deliveries, but I can't afford to spend £35 on wine samples every month

I bought fish and seafood because, according to the wine cards, 4 out of 6 bottles pair best with seafood; 2 of my flatmates are going out tonight, so I’m hoping the kitchen won't be too crowded, and I can cook in peace

My will to live is at the lowest point since 2008.
Probably, significantly lower than that.

Back, back at it again. Full force, someone actually listened to me. Told me not to do it. If in the coming months i won't b able to... I will at least write her a physical letter fml. i will ffs ! I just can't anymore, i despise her, I'll force her 2 talk to me. I want her to respond to every point i make. I want her to pay.idgaf ABT everythin else in life FML ffs smh ! Idc, i just don't. I despise her & i desire a way out. I will fight and will win and succeed ! This will b the way ! Nothing else matters, u will all fall beneath me, pale in comparison ! Justice will b brought abt ! The right, the might,i'm making this fair ! Right fucking now i can't even cook, but i will channel the energy