Faint again but it's there... U wish u could but u were the 1 to fuck up this badly, I'm now paying the price. I wish i were stronger 2 fight more but I'm exhausted. Mentally it's too draining, way 2 draining. I just can't yet sm is still 2 b done ffs fml... I can't like that, it's hell. I wished for a different outcome. I cried 4 u & u made fun of me. I despise her now. I truly do, i must channel all this hatred into power, power to destroy her. I'll be back 4 u, u hay fkn cunt, lol stoopid bitch, I'll get u & u will regret ever being a heartless cruel monster to me. I'll force u & I'll punish and I'll give u all the pain back, a gazillion times over u nasty cunt ! U will SUFFER !

I kind of want to vomit and die.
To vomit all of my personalities, all the incompatible di-tri-quadro-tomies of irreconcilable mess that the current version of me seem to be.
To die afterwards, because what's left is just black emptiness.

It's 2005, and we walk with my cousin on the disrepaired street towards city center.
We see a fresh body on the street, someone fell off the window apparently.
"shit, bad luck" -- I say.
A sexy, but indifferent blonde from the Motorola ad is looking at the scene with an empty, pointless expression.
It's 2006 and we are at the mountain P.
It's 2007 and I drown in the rainwater from above.
It's... It's...
I wake up suddenly in 2024.
It's not me.
It never was.

P is never ending, the desire 2 have som1 close to u, physically, spiritually.. it's just so strong... Not having it takes such a toll on me. Trusting som1 who ruined that trust is even worse, it hurt more than loneliness.. now i am to pay for all the years i was 2 weak 2do sth ABT this so i coulda prevented anything like that from ever happening. Alas, such is life, woe is me... I'm still solely fuelled by revenge and nothing else. Still huge idgaf ABT myself & the world, still crippling executive dysfunction - they all just simply persist and keep on persisting & haunting me & not letting me live. I'm literally dying, i can't keep on keeping on this way for so long. I need love 2 support me

«It’s good, hard work that makes his arms ache; something he would have revelled in when he was younger, burning with that fiery urge to destroy anything he could get his hands on. A child so full of rage that broken bones couldn’t calm him down. But now, Hua Cheng splits the tree in silence, and doesn’t feel anything at all».

What has life come to.. post pmo clarity.. been doing this 4 way 2 long.. i gave her everything & now I'm forced 2 go thru this excruciating pain ffs, I'm so angry. At her, at myself, at the world - so pissed off ffs fml. This world is hell & I'm 2 weak 2 resist Satan's sweet whispers... Sm i coulda done, sm had gone by.. as if nothing fucking changed fml !!! Terribly wrong, terribly terribly wrong 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬 that was NOT my destiny. That little kid, that stupid teen that suffered thru all this shit did NOT deserve this !!! Everything is sm work, sm to do, executive dysfunction, loneliness, it's just insane and I'm so furious. I despise her and i want her to suffer for causing me sm pain !

Иду иду иду, к грядущему дню. Он тоже идёт идёт идёт. Страх, боязнь, что он уйдёт опять. Same thing again, i should feel better, found som1 to help me, som1 i can vibe w/ & I'm still unhappy and focus on the bad insteada da good fml urghhhh. But oh well, Danny boi, go fuck shit up and then some. Relax, calm down, lizard & wim hof breathin, mornin materialisation, manifestin & workin hard on havin reality catch up to u, ur time. Mindfulness, spirit animal, inner strength, i am the voice, I am gonna win.

All i think ABT is vengeance. Still idc abt anythin at all, esp myself. I just want revenge. On her, on the vile world i was forced to live in, suffer in. Revenge for all the torment and pain inflicted upon me. I deserve better and i can get better but every day is an excruciating failure to get to a place where i feel I won't be this way anymoe and find that inner balance. Hell, excruciating pain, misery and suffering is all i feel most days the past years. When i give up desiring happiness more i get it and get a tiny bit of fulfillment. But even moments that r objectively even happy feel gray and boring and uneventful and stale. I have to create a cure for myself, keep fighting, somehow...

I woke up so annoyed after only 5.5 hours of sleep that I couldn't stay at home to sleep more

because of my own stupidity, I don't have any toiletries or cutlery (hopefully, I'll get them back today), so I didn't even have tea or coffee before heading out

I don't know any of my flatmates yet, and frankly, I don't care

I went to one of the cheapest cafés for breakfast (they have refillable coffee, yayyyyy) and planned to read in peace

however, I saw one of my ex-flatmates from summer school inside, and now I'm a bit tense because she's 100% going to talk to me if she notices me

the breakfast muffin and coffee lifted my mood tho

Woke up like it's hell again. I feel so awful i can't force myself to be productive at all. Anger, hatred, regret, anxiety, dissatisfaction w/ life. The world is so awful and the majority of days in life are rarely ever not gray... No idea how to live with this. Therapy barely helps, can never do the majority of exercises/tasks I'm given.. i have no idea how I'm still alive, how all these years this is what went on.. how did i survive up to this point even ?! I despise her sm, i h8 the world sm, i just want to find balance, fulfilment, général satisfaction w/ life and b content w/ where i am and how much progress I'm making 2 get 2 where I'd like to be... Alas, that all is just a pipedream...

I moved into a student accommodation and I'm fucking exhausted

Can barely believe 6yrs ago i was exactly the same, suffering exactly the same way, same things... Well, i can name them now. I do kno what's been holdin me back all these years. At leas there's that fml... still, It would feel like I've seen, learnt & exp sm yet i barely improved.. this only fuels my anxiety. What if the foreseeable future is even worse ?What if i cannot become strong enough 2 deserve better, deserve sth close enough to my dream life so as to b satisfied w/ the daily gray ? Or just not b affected by it enough and bring abt actual real fulfilment ? How ? Just how ?! How did i let this happen, how was i so weak and ignorant and feeble and broken and sad and fucked up that i...

can't pull myself together to start packing my stuff; I'm moving into my student accommodation tomorrow

but I did my nails, tho; they're shiny and silvery now

I went to the town 30 minutes away from ours to collect car keys from the garage because K. is working today; since I don't have a driver's license, I'm returning home by bus

and of course, public transport never works properly

while I was waiting for my bus, part of the road was closed; I missed my bus because it took another route, and now I'm waiting for the next one under the scorching sun

there's more than an hour gap between buses on the main route

I hate the transport system in the Highlands

my nails survived 10 full days in presentable condition - it's so satisfying to use fresh, good-quality nail polish

when I lived with my mother, I only used her nail polish, which had been sitting in the fridge for an unthinkable number of years; despite all my efforts, those manicures looked like shit after 3 days (if they even looked decent to begin with)

I don't even want to try a gel manicure now, despite having the money for it, because doing my own nails doesn’t damage them, and it's just so nice to see the results of my own work

рандомные цитаты из чужих фиков разного качества в старом дневнике:

«Someone he was a few weeks ago would have been anxious about messaging a stranger, especially a very talented one, but the good side of depression is that it prevents him from feeling anything else than emptiness»

«He would’ve been content to be a bachelor all his days rather than suffer through pretending to love anyone even a quarter as much as he truly and wholeheartedly—»

«He doesn’t have a /choice/, anymore. But—

The idea that he isn’t disappearing, he’s just—

Healing.

Sometimes that’s a terrifying, ugly process.

And that means you have to make yourself jump»

теперь вы в курсе источников моего мировоззрения

I was doing my Spanish lessons and suddenly remembered the song titled "Livin' la Vida Loca"; I realised that "la vida loca" means "crazy life" in Spanish

these words were empty before, but now this phrase makes perfect sense to me

learning languages is magical

I went for a walk in the rain

I was outside for more than an hour, and my hoodie is dripping with raindrops; it was beautiful

I think the rule to stay inside during the rain is a stereotype I picked up from my mom and assumed was my own choice, thinking it was reasonable

K. told me a few times that walks in the rain are beautiful, but I thought it was because he often walks high, I assumed it would feel unpleasant for me as a sober person

I was wrong; I just needed the right mood and waterproof earphones to listen to podcasts about serial killers while walking under streams of water

on the 6th day of wearing this manicure, my nails are still a pleasure to look at; the purple nail polish is even better quality than the yellow one (or maybe I just did a better job this time)

K. told me he likes it when I fry chicken with potatoes and veg because when he cooks chicken, he can’t achieve the same taste and flavour; I never thought I would get compliments for my cooking skills, but here we are

yesterday, I was obsessively earning coins for Macadam; it’s a pointless activity, but sometimes these minuscule things get stuck in my head, and now I want to get 30,000 coins to claim my real £15 for them (and I will do that, even though I’d earn 6 times more from a McDonald’s shift)

you begged and begged for some kind of change
maybe they'd wake up tomorrow and regret the pain
that they've passed down to you like DNA
but no luck, no luck

я так залипаю на подмешанную в ДНК боль здесь

had a fight with K. in the morning over nothing

he went to mend his car, and my mood suddenly dropped to rock bottom; it wasn't entirely connected to him - I think the fight was just a trigger

I felt so terrible that I wanted to physically hurt myself (the last time I did that was in April, I think); so, I took a cold shower as a form of self-harm and came out of it shivering but much calmer

unfortunately, he left his car in the garage waiting to be fixed and came back by bus (I had expected him to stay in another town while the car was being repaired)

I became so annoyed because of it that I started cleaning fiercely instead of communicating with him

I don't even know why I'm so annoyed

4.5 hours playing Sims today... I feel like K. is annoyed with my new obsession; maybe I'm just imagining it because it would definitely annoy my mom...

I look at my hands while doing usual tasks and feel aesthetic pleasure; I love the shape of my nails, how quickly they grow, and how good my homemade manicure looks

we went swimming in the North Sea today (I kind of made K. do it)

no one else dared to go into the water, even though there were a lot of people just chilling on the beach

the water was so cold that I struggled to breathe normally for the first few minutes, but after acclimating, the temperature actually felt pleasant

K. was swearing and shivering the whole time and didn’t manage to go deeper than waist-high, but in the end, he didn’t want to go back to the beach

after swimming, I checked the water temperature online, and the website said it was "unacceptable for swimming"

the feeling of my skin burning after that swim was amazing, though

yesterday, I spent a total of 8.5 hours playing Sims... in the evening, I started playing instead of watching a film with K. as we usually do, and I didn't stop until 4am

this amount of time seems horrifying, but the lives of the three families I'm playing are starting to intersect in the next generation, and I'm planning to have them all marry each other, and I'm so invested in the plot in my head

I also discovered that you can have sex with a ghost, so my main character stole the tombstones of her deceased lovers, and now they appear in her house every night...

as for real life, K. forgot to put an almost full bottle of milkshake in the fridge before going to sleep, again!

It feels wrong, indulging in guilty pleasures at the time like this, and yet
It clears me head.
It makes me understand the way.
Or maybe, the absence of it, the void I am looking into, the feeling of being damaged goods as much as I am.
I need days upon days of sleep, and yet I spend hours upon hours up at night, trying to hydrate and sort out the clusterfuck that my life is.

I want to smoke
To drink
To... forget? No, rather to numb it.

And then...
I look at the window.
I don't remember closing the curtains.
The curtains. Why.
And my paranoia kicks in, and I am rushing to reconstruct the last few hours of my whereabouts and interactions to search and fill the gaps.

an hour before K. comes home from work

I did literally nothing useful today except laundry and taking out the trash, but I spent 3.5 hours playing Sims 4...

I just realised I forgot about online matriculation and other tasks I need to complete before the start of the new academic year... I'm starting to panic and need to check the dates in my email - I feel like I should have done this a few days ago...