an hour before K. comes home from work

I did literally nothing useful today except laundry and taking out the trash, but I spent 3.5 hours playing Sims 4...

I just realised I forgot about online matriculation and other tasks I need to complete before the start of the new academic year... I'm starting to panic and need to check the dates in my email - I feel like I should have done this a few days ago...

yesterday, K. returned from work feeling very sad and needed some comfort food (which, for him, is an Indian takeaway)

he also bought pizza for me, but honestly, it tastes awful after I started cooking at home with fresh ingredients and various spices; my stomach didn’t like it either

I like Indian sauces, but the more I experiment with cooking at home, the more I realise it’s not that hard to make a fresh, good sauce - it’s just time-consuming

I went over my goal of 50 pages yesterday (53); Mariana Enriquez's story collection is only about 200 pages, so I think I'll finish it in August

btw it's Mariana, not Marina (I had a typo in my previous fragment)

30 minutes before K. returns from work

what’s done today:
1) 45 minutes of Spanish
2) review for my book blog
3) 44 pages read, with more on the way (Marina Enriquez's short stories have captured my imagination - maybe in a few years, I'll be able to read them in the original Spanish)
4) cooked a huge lunch: chicken, potatoes, and lots of vegetables (I'll be having leftovers for dinner too)
5) did my nails - much quicker and better than the first time after two years without a manicure

I also decided I don't give a shit about laundry, so that's 5 out of 6 tasks done for today, pheeeew

to-dos for today:
1) Spanish (Duolingo)
2) review for my book blog
3) read (at least 50 pages)
4) do laundry
5) cook a (healthy?) lunch and dinner
6) get my nails done 💅

I don't usually feel my body until it starts to break; I perceive it as a meat machine that carries my personality through life, and I only pay attention to the machine when it needs repairs

but today, something strange happened in the shower

I suddenly felt every part of myself - I felt the pressure of the hot water on my neck, noticed how my feet were a bit colder than the rest of my body, sensed how the water flowed over my skin, and even noticed an aftertaste of morning coffee in my mouth

I felt like my body is me

a very unusual feeling

K. has been very affectionate today, and yesterday's situation was resolved in a minute when I mentioned it

I feel very weak today; I felt weak yesterday too, but at least I had more physical activity than usual

today, I broke into a sweat just carrying a grocery bag from the supermarket, and I feel trembling in my leg muscles just from walking

I have a theory that I had covid recently; covid spread at K.'s workplace a few weeks ago, and after that, we both had colds

I didn't buy a test because I felt mostly okay and didn't even have a fever, but what I’m experiencing now feels like a complication from some virus

K. just did something that really pissed me off, and I can't even talk to him about it right now

because he's high, and if he senses that I'm angry with him in this state, it could immediately lead him to thoughts of suicide

fortunately, he's gone to another room to masturbate, so I can sit here with an angry face without pretending to be absolutely happy

I also want to punch something + go for a walk alone, but my anger management is strong (and I'm probably overreacting)

I had a beautiful dinner with K., J., and R.

to be honest, I wasn't very enthusiastic about it, and K. only went because of me; but in the end, we had a 3-hour conversation about McDonald's, where we all worked at some point, as well as about past traumas, mental disorders, and psychedelics - the kind of conversations I love

the food was also very good; I didn’t get drunk, but with these people, it wasn’t necessary

J. gifted me a shiny mushroom sticker for my laptop - it's very cute and thoughtful of him

when J. and R. got out of our car, I found myself already missing them, which was strange because I hadn’t seen them in two months and didn’t think I really wanted to

I'm making a page in my journal for the results of a time-blocking experiment, and I misspelled "blocking" - written in marker, in big letters in the heading... now I need to buy correction fluid before I continue because I can't stand looking at this page without feeling disgusted

I'm having dinner at 7 with K. and my Spanish friends; I'm contemplating whether it was a mistake because on a Friday night, all the places will be really busy

today would be a good day to stop by my sponsors' place and pick up my exam results, which were sent to their address; but with all the talking and eating they'll likely insist on, it would take up a few hours

they're good people, but we're not compatible

I believe I took some really good photos today, but I'm too lazy to edit them

felt weak and ill on a hike, observing people much older then me running where I could barely walk

we saw the debris of a car in the woodland, K. even crawled closer to check the license plate and found traces of blood; obviously, the crash happened recently

it's sunny and windy this morning

I declined an offer from the college and (proudly) told them I got an offer from the university

now sitting in Morrison's café, where K. wanted to go for breakfast; the classic Scottish breakfast options are almost all disgusting

quiet day

K. tripped indoors, mostly alone, lying with his eyes closed

I enjoy his introspective trips; he doesn’t cause any trouble during them and becomes affectionate and gentle afterward

I cooked dinner - fried chicken with potatoes, vegetables, and lots of spices; it was the first time I’ve seen him eat my food with such pleasure

I've never had genuine motivation to cook better for myself, but now I can even cook something tasty and (more or less) healthy at the same time

I feel happy despite the period pain, cough, and muscle aches

I had a disgusting dream in which I met a very nice guy - not my type, but cute; invited him over as a friend, we painted each other's nails; however, when I refused to be in a relationship with him, he dragged me, made a porn with me, and posted it online

but I felt so calm and cozy in the morning while doing my routine tasks after realizing that none of it had actually happened

I'm sitting in a McDonald's bathroom, experiencing excruciating period pain, and I can't leave because there is absolutely crazy women in the bathroom, I don't want to interact with her

she has been singing and swearing loudly near my cubicle for about 10 minutes now

we're going to a place where I used to go after my McDonald's shifts to relax

I would have preferred to go home back then, but my sponsors were there, and I didn’t have enough energy to talk to them after work (communicating with them was hard work in itself)

I need to remind myself that I'm in a much better place in life than I was a year ago (let alone a few years ago); I need to be grateful for what I have and what I'm able to do

I have a cough again, and my muscles still haven't fully recovered from whooping cough, so I'm occasionally in pain

3 hours and 20 minutes of Spanish lessons and reading in English today, combined

K. feels that during his holidays, we should spend all our time together - going out, doing something entertaining 24/7

that's why I sometimes prefer when he’s working because then I can have productive days alone and enjoy calm evenings with him

our neighbour offered us his tent, but the only week we're both available is this week, and there’s pissing rain in the forecast for all 7 days; no beach either, because of the weather and my cold

sometimes I wish he were more like my friends; we could have study sessions together and chat about recently read books

but, surprisingly, I love him just the way he is

it's the first time I've seen a maintenance break on Duolingo - exactly when I got 15 minutes of double XP mehhhhhhhh

K. didn't trip either yesterday or today, I'm quite satisfied with that

the weather is shit, I'm sick, and I'm pretending to sleep rn because I like being in a closed room on my own

I went through the half-closed doors under the rays outside.
Defeated, weak and crippled, with my escape undone, I felt 15 years younger, in the hostile, soulless City that doesn't care, doesn't give a single damn about anything at all.

But I am 15 years older now, slowly pushing myself into the mindset I hoped to never have again, into the logical continuation of everything after that evening on the empty motorway when I understood that my escape was in vain.
"Fuck, but I escaped, Lachesis! I escaped!"
For this to happen? Really?
Really.

And now I am getting ready to go through the half-closed doors under the rays outside.
Fuck it, I'll do it for as long as it is needed.
As long as I can.

he's going on a trip today, and as usual, I'll be his tripsitter

to be honest, I'm tempted to say, "I don't feel well," and just stay home while he wanders through scratchy bushes and mud in the woods - especially since my throat really hurts, and he's the one who brought the virus home

but the weather is good, and I’d feel guilty if he accidentally hurt himself without supervision

yesterday, he moved our giant rat cage to the kitchen because he needed space in the living room for VR games; now, I can’t cook until he wakes up because it’s too heavy for me to move back...

great start to his holiday, innit? I’m already annoyed

he's home

what I've done in these 8 hours:
- laundry
- lunch
- shower
- book review (1 out of 2)
- tattoo sketch
- Spanish practice (40 min)
- read "The Graveyard Book" (15 pages)
- responded to Telegram messages

the only thing I didn't do was the itinerary for the holidays, but it's not urgent, I can do it tomorrow morning

I'm proud of myself for completing 7.5 out of 9 tasks today, that's an actual success for my ADHD ass

what else have I done?
- finished all the laundry
- cooked a healthy (!) lunch
- took a shower

I definitely don't have enough time to do everything on my to-do list before K. gets back

also, I've had unhealthy snacks over the past few days

that's one downside of living with someone who doesn’t fully stick to your diet yet

he buys these snacks, and they’re just lying around everywhere... sometimes, the temptation is too strong

my throat hurts

done for now:
- 1 book review
- 20 minutes of Spanish
- half of the laundry (which I forgot to put on the list)

I also forgot to add cooking lunch and showering to the list (yes, these simple everyday tasks take up quite a lot of my motivation)

I need to do as much as I can before 8, because at 8, K. finishes his shift, and all my attention will be on him

K.'s 8-day holiday starts tomorrow

to be honest, I feel like I should be much more excited than I am

he does so much for me every day - he's literally made me the centre of his life

but I find myself longing for the structured schedule of university, endless study tasks, grocery shopping for only the essentials

that's what makes me feel useful; it's how life makes sense to me

maybe he chose the wrong person

to-do today:
- write two book reviews
- draw a tattoo sketch for Kr.
- at least 30 minutes of Spanish
- make an itinerary for the holidays
- read "The Graveyard Book" / "The Girls"
- respond to all Telegram messages

click.
kickback and the sharp pain in the injured hand.
Rinse and repeat.

After half of my life, vengeance is still something that is served chilled, even frozen, if I may.
I may.

Flashbacks flash, the road is disappearing under the wheels like the vinyl track under the needle, while the sun burns the surrounding to crisp.
I stare in the merciless sky through the stained window of the navette.

Trying to breathe in the smoke of the never-lit cigarette I never bought, I calm down.
I break down.
I calm down.
I break down.

Like a mechanism on its last legs, I need maintenance, care and restoration.
Instead, I will get the service life extension, signed on paper by someone who never saw things

I did three drawings over the past two days; yesterday, tried VR for the first time

it's very impressive, even though I obviously can't wear my glasses, so in virtual reality, I'm half-blind

despite this, I managed to play a shooting game, although I needed huge targets

I can use VR as a place to train myself to live with my natural eyesight