33993

Fuck I didn't realize how much of a damaged goods I am.
This page did become a touch of depressive, and I had become rather dull and depressive myself, but every fucking time I see something that triggers this throbbing pain in me, I feel it all anew.
I'm standing at the tram stop half of my life ago and I beg the Gods of the Universe silently not to take it all away.

But they are unmoving and they undeniably don't give a damn about my wishful thinking.

Ethically ambiguous topics, they call them, huh?
People should care less about their egos and more about explaining the whys and hows -- and listening, listening, listening...

But do I follow this advice myself?
No.

Pain, mixed with joy, and again with pain
The hardest part of my life, internally, that had changed me, but in retrospect...
Maybe it was necessary learning.
Fuck, people, some primal part of me wants to yell "AAA BE FUCKED", but instead I consciously say silent prayers for Gods-know-whom -- "Please, be happy. Please, have it in you."
You had enough shit already, and please just live the happiest of lives possible.
I hope that's the best end of your story, c**d.
I was not there when it mattered the most for you, but I am glad that others were.

I will walk the cliffs today, and think of you, and yours. If I could bless, you would have had all my blessings.

Don't look back. Even I try not to.

Fuck me, <censored>, how do you think, would a young lad that got through years of suffering long desperately for something that would just _end_ it?
Not something that would bring happiness, normality, not something that would make things better -- just _end_ it.
A numbing symptomatic treatment, especially when there's no viable alternative, either it or trying to survive the old way.
When you burn, you don't think about mortgage plans, psychological trauma or career -- you only can think about how to _stop_ burning.

I was on my very last legs those days, I don't rightfully know how much time was left but not a lot.
I was descending into madness long before the cursed 2014.
I just forgot.

Those people didn't mean harm.
Those people did say all the right things, did try to be the right ones in the right places.
They were just so few.
Few are never remembered in history before the many.
They were overpowered by the sheer masse of pure evil, and now they're bitter exiles, like I was once upon a time, and no one sympathizes with them.

Because they said the right things in the evil tongue, and promised the future goodness of the evil race. and they didn't mean harm. but they did it in the end.
Result>intention.

But I still cannot force myself to dislike some of the songs on YT music.
I am part of this cancer myself.
And that's why I want to be alone and away, decomposing quietly.

The better days would never go back.
This song is playing loops in my head, just like the "This fucking summer" was in 2020.

I thought that one of my best achievements in life was staying alive in one of the harder periods of it.
Now I am not so sure.
You know what, the guilt would be with me forever. I was __that__ kind of man, I know it for sure.
I was that kind of man, I could do certain things better than others, but I chickened out, I was lost in conflicting loyalties, shady dealings of shady powers, career development and overcompensation, and when I emerged on the other side of it I saw that

I could have lied dead with a clear conscience now, but all I am left is a sense of guilt

I slept for long hours and then it hit me.
Maybe we romanticized suicide in our teens not as a fleeting moment of madness in the commercial culture, and not entirely out of youthful spite, being frowned upon and not desired anywhere when things mattered in our formative years?
Maybe we did it because we knew what was there for us?
Maybe because we knew that some of us would become the main vehicle for aggressive wars, some of us would become its victims, some -- refugees, some -- unwanted exiles...

Maybe that's why there was such a overwhelming feeling of "let's end it now, while we are young, while we still CAN"?
I would never know the answer because I could not.
I chose to stay.
Bullshit.