Evan

Counted profit and margin for the last 2 months - better than expectations. Worries about money are replaced with satisfaction, I'm a money-addicted robot.

Martial arts in addition to excitement calm down my mind. I cant do it directly so sex and physical activity helps.
Thinking to go to Japan Open on November 7-8 but mostly for travelling and Japanese girls, the competition itself does not inspire enough. Satisfied and pleasantly tired.

busy and crazy

I worry not only at work, worries come into my dreams. And in the morning before work I start to worry again - circle of worries or psychopathy. Don't like it, jerked and thought of pleasant things. Feel better. War on psychopathy:)

This night realized that I only find excuses at work to experience NEs or do it directly even without excuses. Now no urgency, I can take breaks and focus on something pleasant. Will try tomorrow. Satisfaction thru NEs from gradually developing business. One girl behave strangely and asked suspicious questions about business then suddenly offered one night stand instead of the gf's ambition. She is apparently sexy but I don't want to expose to risk neither business nor my personal life, Chinese mafia still exists.
Overate. State -2 to 0.

Obviously it's just a wrong habit to worry and stick to NEs at work. Now working day finished, no hurry, no urgent problems but I continue to react and behave as if they had existed. Lost time. State -4 to -2.

One board inside the receipt printer was changed and finally all equipment function, it took 2 weeks and many unnecessary efforts to solve it, e.g. triple hard disk replacement with reinstallation of all software and transaction history for that days. The last problem was simple but hard to detect. Satisfied with solving hardware problem and don't care that I'm again in NEs and insanity, I'm a business-dependent amoeba.

Lost time only worries, cannot work calmly always become insane gradually, taking breaks help a bit.

A bit of satisfaction and anticipation in habitual NEs, splashes of pleasure background. I eat 1-2 chocolate bars in an hour and didn't like the feeling after but was addicted. One week almost without chocolate and feel better, yesterday have bitten a bit from a girl's chocolate but didn't feel anything special. I have hundreds of negative addictions all of them are supported by NEs insanity.
Overeating or sleeping early can't stop till now.
I cum sometimes if trying to fuck when I already tired, yesterday didn't listen a very horny girl and fucked her with a toy and hand after I felt tired, as a result no orgasm and around 4 hours of more pleasant fucking. It's so simple and I like results.

First awakening was Ok, but the last one after dream about work resulted in repeating urgent issues in head, placing order in the dream was not also exciting at all:) Negative, depressive state. Suffering without any reason except for the past shitty life. Want to change and try a different morning - wake up early and run and may be swim before work.

Pleasant fullness. I like days when I can meet 5-10 girls, they bring different impressions. I spent the night with a childlike girl, enjoyed playing and felt to be a kid, she couldn't fuck long but she craved for a dick. Later girls came by 1 or 2. Exciting and liberating e.g. to ask phone number while fucking a girl in front of others, discuss what she likes in sex or play with her tempting boobs. Sometimes I can correct mistakes - 2 new girls met in my room and the last was pissed off, I flattered to her the truth that she is beautiful and I like and want her and it worked for a while - she doesn't want to stop fucking me but later changed back. 6 hours at work above zero, praise the girls

Today I suddenly stopped for a while to judge and despise a girl it was essential change in attitude - sympathy, friendliness and desire to help to remove sex dogmas without despisal for them. My state has also changed - permanent negative background component disappeared for a while. I like such temporary change - less NEs, more pleasant perceptions, despisal is a real poison.

Lost three hours. Don't like to go to bar areas - a lot of drunk people and hookers but tonight I had no choice if I wanted to meet that girls. Disappointed - couldn't get that girls and by looking at people killing their lives with alcohol. One girl was very beautiful but too bitchy, left her in 15 minutes, another too sexy and popular in the bar, she kissed and talked with 10 guys in 15 minutes, so I had to take phones of other girls. It was a lot of NEs but sometimes I did short pauses to regain myself, so I could feel a bit of pleasure, otherwise it would be almost non-stop suffering from intense NEs and insane actions.
One of tonight girls is coming, hope no more disappointments today.

2 desires appeared - do not overeat and not hurry. The first one gives more pleasant sensations and sharper attention, the second does not let to do to many unaware actions.

I started to pay more attention to perceptions but most of them are negative, result of my shitty life. There is a strange pleasure from distinguishing like becoming alive. Perceptions are so unpleasant and permanent that sometimes I tried to generate pleasure to reduce suffering, pleasure vanished in numerous NEs but later fought its way again. It looks like I feel my agony in NEs, before I avoided it - too unpleasant. State -5 to -2, aware -2 to +2.

Still PEs but no more clear and joyful state like in the morning. Habit to worry during activity. State +2 to 0, aware -3.

After long sleep interrupted by cuddling and fucking feel unusually unconcerned. My mobile Internet was cut off, I have meetings and missed some of them but almost no worries, easy-going mood like in childhood when the same things seem very different and the mood is different. But nothing changed from yesterday except for my state, it means I can feel in the same easy-going joyful way under the same conditions but I don't know yet how to keep such state.
Anticipation, joy without reasons, state -1 to +4, aware around 0

Tired and some problems are unsolved and postponed till Monday but there is strange satisfaction in fighting against problems even in the case when some of them remain unsolved, similar to sparrings but less exciting.
State -4 to -2, aware -5. The only exit from NEs and fatigue is girls and they are coming:)

I was irritated almost immediately after decision to trace irritation. Read e-mail with polite PC tech support offer to fuck off. I tried to calm down and explained them one more time. Noticed that I like to feel indignation because they are wrong, sometimes I share my indignation and irritation with my staffs.
Later I observed the non-stop NE flow - one NE after another or NE bunches together. I tried to remember something pleasant but gave up fast. I realized that the only opportunity I have now is pleasant sensations, my body still can feel pleasure regardless all constant NEs. My psychics is dead, mind undeveloped and busy with shitty thoughts but body still alive a bit so I will use it.

It took almost 2 hours to get the pleasure background this morning - my craving for NEs is strong.
Lied in bed and thought of Bo idea that we receive neutral energy and ourselves make it negative or pleasant, and also about destructive certainties and habits which make my life so shitty. There are many but I can't distinguish them now, will fix them when they will manifest. In many situation at work I produce NEs myself - today want to trace irritation, i feel it too often.
At nigh a girl was surprised that I don't want to fuck her if she feels pain!!! She said other guys keep fucking her in spite of pain. Hate guys who torture girls and kill pleasure of sex together with desire for sex.

Trained BJJ and judo, after a 2-week break it was difficult but later, especially after stretching, feel pleasant fatigue and relaxation. Only during warming-up was partially aware about my state, during practice - sometimes a bit of awareness and during sparrings totally unaware. Condition -1 to + 1, aware -3 - tired but contented.

Still working but when I'm not engaged too much in oral communication I feel better, even can feel light pleasure background as I wanted this morning. Condition -2 to +1, Conscious -4 to +2

5 hours at work and almost totally lost, thinking only about suppliers, pension fund, rent payment etc.
Short breaks help but for 5 hours I got a wrong inertia. Condition -4 to -1. Conscious -8

The task is more difficult than I supposed, cannot focus on and keep pleasure background while working, training new staff, only when I withdraw a part of attention. I can train to do it. Condition -1 to 0, conscious -5 - medium insanity

After waking up feel better than usually because of thinking how to keep pleasurable body sensations in the body during a day - focus on them and a bit pleasant physical activity + elimination exhausting useless mechanical activity, worries and other NEs - idea from 5 Maya. Focusing is working already - pleasure background in the chest middle. I always neglected it as smth easily achievable and not important and as a result stuck to much more pleasant NEs:) Today I will try to stick to the opposite