Evan

Yesterday I felt quite different from usual emotional state that at night I already couldn't believe that it was real and I gave up. Now I want to try again to bring me closer to a similar emotional exaltation cause it's very pleasurable. Unstable, many doubts whether it real or just my imagination, but in fact very attractive for me.
Condition -2, light depression and negative background and desire to change it. Was pleasant to do nothing, jerk off while talking with a girl about sex.

Tired, wanted to replenish product stock before the weekend. But condition is better -1, no intense negative emotions like before.

Working, the condition -3. Dissatisfaction, sadness, self-pity, vague negative background. No desire to change it.

Fluctuations finished, no exaltation, no depressions, even state, a bit better than normal.
Working, chatting, nothing interesting.

Emotional exaltation passed, dissatisfaction, worries, sadness came and I feel strange kind of fatigue, may be because of attempts to prolong exaltation. But some background of exaltation and pleasant sensation is still here and sometimes there are light splashes of them. It was second time when I felt a big difference with habitual emotional state at work rather long. Wanna change my perceptions at work in this pleasant way.
Due to exaltation my estimates and expectations were not adequate and sober, I can correct them later but I really want to feel it again and again.

Finally it happened, anxiety left me for a while right at my working place. I am surprised that it last already over an hour and don't want even to go to martial arts training not to lose it. I'm ready to work like this, everything is pleasant, - working with database, placing orders, talking by phone, all I need just focus a part of my attention on this pleasant state or sensations in the body which strengthen when paying attention to them. The state is fluctuating, the more attention I focus on it the stronger it. Now I don't want girls or physical activity, just want to last longer.

Realized that I feel so anxious because it's habitual for me. The contingency only makes it obvious. I live all my life in anxiety even when I haven't worked and traveled around the world for many years. Business is good to reveal the habitual disease cause it's stressful enough. Now I can recognize its presence in many every day situations. The anxiety is chronic and lasting all my life and makes me suffer for no reason. That's why first I want to stop torturing me with the most intense anxiety. Today I succeeded few times and breaks in sufferings lasted from few seconds to few minutes, it was pleasant relief but when I got involved in work and lost alertness the anxiety came back.

Upon waking up the condition was ok, I stopped thoughts about problems at work and enjoyed more pleasant things. But now when I have to come back to problem solving I am again anxious. Yesterday there were 2 moments when anxiety was so intense that I felt tired of it and gleams of relief and easygoing mood came instead but only for a short time. Understanding that the anxiety has is totally unnecessary brings some relief, will try to bring it to my day.

Experience of confrontation against habitual insanity, especially at work, is accumulated gradually. It's promising to grasp that insanity is not normal and inevitable and there are more pleasant choices.
I solved contingency situation half-way and pleased with it. I will remind myself that life is not always smooth and some unexpected things may occur, e.g. simultaneous PC hardware and product database server failure. I will think them over in advance.
Almost every come-back to my den after work results in mood improvement, it means I feel better inside and it could be reproduced at work - easy-going mood, fridge with tasty stuff, inspiring petting or fucking, doing nothing on the big bed.

Keep working. The habit to worry and be unhappy wins in general while I'm working but I'm not giving up totally and sometimes try to bring me back into happy and unstressed state. It works only partially. At least now I realize how ridiculous is to feel all this negative shit I'm feeling always. Will keep fighting for better mood.

Was irritated and anxious, in addition to devices the computer itself has stopped to function. It was after business hours of technical support, I called to VIP support and left the sales staff to wait for the answer. 30 minutes of good sex changed my mood again. I came back satisfied and unstressed. I can't change perceptions but I can fuck and perceptions change in the way I like. Now I can't find any reason to be so irritated and anxious - stupid and useless habit. I'm sitting and solving the same problem without unnecessary negative emotions.

Irritated due to fighting with computer devices, they don't work after power failure. At the same time replying to suppliers, placing orders etc. Sometimes stop and calm down. Long for normal relax and happy condition. Fucked a girl I like but cum again.

Worked and chatted with girls. To get rid of anxiety I can both by solving problems one by one and by dissipating the anxiety emotion itself, e.g. by remembering me in the satisfied state when many negative things don't disturb me as usually.
Focused problems solving brings concentration and distracts from worries.

Condition so so. Tried to recollect the yesterday state of happiness and satisfaction and felt a bit better. When I happy I don't feel irritation in the same situations at which I normally feel it - the girl keep wiping her pussy with toilet paper to make it dry in spite of my prayers not to do it, I'm late etc, and more pleasure from the other things - touches, sex, food, even from doing nothing. So the point is in my feelings, not in my actions. I'm doing the same things but feel quite different. Wanna play the game - pretending that I'm happy and trying to feel in the same way as yesterday night. Happiness without any obvious reason, I want it again and again.

At this night I realized that there are two ways to live my life - complaining and suffering or selecting and enjoying. I can't understand why I do feel so good on the second day after 2 orgasms, cause first and half of the second day were terrible. But after exciting sex everything changed. The ability to perceive and distinguish has also sharpen so I started to feel pleasure from many things - sex, sensual perceptions, shower, food, emotions also changed, I was happy without any efforts and even didn't suffer at work. So I want to fight for this enjoyable way to live therefore I need to be attentive and select avoiding things that bring back all negative.

When I am in good condition I work faster and more efficient and it's not self-torture and forcing. So it make sense to spend some time to bring myself into good condition and after it I will do the same scope of work in less time and will feel better. In good condition I value my time without distracting to other things and it's pleasant to work efficiently. May be due to not a high level of negative emotions, concentration and anticipation of other pleasant things waiting for me - one more horny girl, languages, book, sleep.

Sex and martial arts much more pleasant than work:) After working hard I ate very juicy and tasty pussy, the girl definitely enjoyed it, I also liked to look, touch, lick, smell, taste it, but unfortunately we had less than too hours. It was really exciting to touch, tease and fuck her, she was so horny and beautiful. Short negotiations and 2 BJJ and 1 stretching training. After physical activity there are different pleasant sensations in the body. So good sex and training are double pleasant. Now working again and the condition is noticeably better. I will bring more sex and physical activity inside my working day.

If I think that too many things are undone I feel preoccupation and anxiety, but when I think that I will complete one thing after another anticipation appears and I feel more calm and focused.

Overslept and in a hurry. Strange morning meeting with a girl - she tried to be very self-confident and sell MLM products to me, it was so boring that I started to play with my dick, conversation became more interesting when she helped me, but in addition to blow job I got only promise to be naughty and fuck me next time and many reassurances that she is a good girl and never fucks at the first date, - all ridiculous but at least not totally boring. An interview with a candidate for the stock keeper position, he is not perfect but I will give him a try, orders, on-line shop ... endless work and messy life. I don't like it but at the same time don't want to change it, only dreaming, not doing.

Chatted with the girl who loves the girl I met few times. Love is contagious even when I'm deep in discontent, self-pity etc. Now I feel much better. Doing group sex is very exciting but I become primitive like an animal I can't feel almost nothing except for the excitement to the girl I'm in love with, only when we are alone.

Keep working. Splashes of sadness, pity and something else vague. But I already know that it will end and even now I can feel better. Trying to focus on anticipation of the business stability and sufficient money inflow without my substantial efforts. In this case I will be able to fulfill many things I want. Before sleep will read a bit of Maya 5 and learn few Cantonese words.

Totally lost in work, don't like haste but often under time pressure. Don't like such unconscious time losing. Set alarms on my mobile, may be it will help. Another way to lose my time is to meet a girl - also totally involved and unconscious. Want to wake up, at least once per 2 hours.

working, fucking, working, no time to write but the condition is ok

Long sleep is a good recovery after orgasms and fatigue. I can't feel the same pleasure in the body as before but at least the body is relaxed and there are some pleasant sensations. Realized that in any situation - after orgasms, upon arising of serious problems etc - I can feel better just by avoiding sticking to negative reactions - worries, preoccupations, endless thoughts about it and so on. Looking from aside helps, detachment also. Under any unfavourable conditions I can live and feel better.

After coming back home I realized that I feel comfortable while laying, thinking, reading, chatting and I am not so sleepy. It means that after 2 orgasms I had almost no power and desire to work cause it's pretty boring, but when a sexy strip dancer came to talk to me I was quite vigorous and now also laying on the bed I feel OK.
Also the desire of personality development came back. I want to fix fragments, fight against negative emotions, study languages, read etc.