Rayne

Weird things are going on today. Despite bad sleep quality, I have enough energy and have to literally hold myself from working my ass off. My attitude to myself has improved, there’s much less of usual tyrannizing self-treatment and concomitant fatigue.

This state resembles a maniacal stage of BPD, but I neither deem myself a second Bodh, nor imagine any Martian stone behemoths.

Anyway, I like this state, and it wasn’t arbitrarily granted to me - I was working on my self-loathing for last week or so.

Noticed a lightweight attitude to myself, seems to be a variant of an infantilism. I don't try to form a final opinion, I often make it clear that my opinion is not to be taken seriously, shifting the responsibility for verifying my opinion to whoever else is involved, and a blind certainty emerges that they are more qualified than me to make a decision. There's an underlying fear of being blamed and scolded for a mistake and for possible grave consequences.

Also, when someone authoritative says I'm wrong, I instantly change my mind without thinking thus remaining a weathercock.

What I now see, is that I'm concerned with anything: business, work, my self-image and what people around think of me, my perceived shortcomings... but not with my psychic comfort right now. Resembles an attitude of typical parents that perceive their child as a doll or a robot obliged to strive for fitting their conception of success, no matter how oppressed and miserable he or she feels in the process.

There’s a specific type of discontent accompanied with a certainty “Everything should be easy and accomplished from the first attempt”. It appears when unforeseen obstacles emerge. An urge to give up appears with this discontent type.

What self-loathing and self-pity have in common, is a voluntary refusal of responsibility. That's a very corrosive state of being sure that I'm not the one who has control over my perceptions and overall life.

It's tempting to think this way - if it wasn't me who ruined my life, I'm not the one to blame then. But in the same time, if I have no control, who's going to clean up the mess?

Creativity is blocked in this state of irresponsibility. It's hard to think of solutions to the problems, 'cause there's a desire to feel myself a poor, helpless child, and coming up with solutions impedes it.

There are also all sorts of vicious circles formed by self-loathing and self-pity:

- SL for SL
- SP for SL
- SL for SP

Apparently, one of the reasons to experience SP is that it provides a slight and brittle protection against SL, as it’s accompanied by a certainty “I don’t deserve to be hated so much”.

Found what might be a root hatred-producing certainty: "I must be ideal". It's behind the discontent from every mistake of mine, and the self-loathing for any shortcomings and negative traits.

With this certainty in place, I don't even allow myself to be a human: to make mistakes, to be wrong, to be silly or stupid, to have the very right to any unpleasant qualities. Hence the fear of showing my true self to anyone.

I've also noticed that the more I self-loathe, the more venomous person I become, the stronger the wish to hate, despise, be disgruntled and envious. The less self-loathing, the less there are other types of venom and the easier it is to eliminate them.

Been watching the omnipresent background nox. At first, nox strengthens because I add nox for nox to it - a 2nd level nox of sorts. There’s an illusion of sincerity, a confidence that by self-loathing I’m soberly aware of my shortcomings. If I still don’t remove attention and go on observing despite the discomfort, a noticeable relief soon comes, nox withers greatly, and a pleasant clarity emerges: I myself choose to support this nox, it’s not something obligatory or independent from my own will. However, I still can’t grasp why do I support nox or why does it feel so attractive, it’s all covered with a strong shell of insincerity.

Rotten Federation.

During my prolonged wane I somehow started to learn Python to solve a data gathering task in a probable new business of mine. What a practical and easy to learn language! I wish I’d learned it earlier, so that I didn’t have to bang my head against the wall making an data combining utility in C previously.

Using C for data processing resembles a masochistic invention of a bicycle at nearly every step.

I've been re-reading Castaneda's "Journey to Ixtlan" and some places were ringing with recognition, mostly about how pathetic I am and how I myself am the reason of this and the force behind this.

Thinking about it, I started to distinguish a background feeling of discontent with almost everything surrounding me: the omnipresent smokers, the traffic smog, the unstable financial situation, the bitchy and discontented-looking girls around. It's even funny how I am becoming just like those girls in my attempts to be not like them. The discontent feels noxious, but there's still something magnetic in it, there's a feeling like I am bound to perceive discontent, that it's something pertinent.

With tenacity worthy of a better application I suck reasons to feel myself mistreated by life out of a thumb.

My main problem with not exerting more efforts seems to be the voluntary refusal to view life (negative emotions and negative physical sensations included) as a source of interesting experience rather than a heavy burden and a scourge. This has something to do with a background wish to pity and victimize myself.

Somehow (with T.'s aid) I learned that all my suffering is only made possible with a grandiose self-deception: making myself believe that I don't want the suffering to happen, while in reality I do.

Without this self-deception the suffering severely loses its power over me, and that's liberating.

I often pity myself for being ‘unable’ to lift the gravestone of nox. It seems that some external force keeping it in place is stronger than me.

But there’s no such thing. It is myself who is keeping this gravestone in place, even if I don’t realize the reasons of such behavior yet.

It was a big mistake not to have a financial cushion in the business. If not for my own one, things might quickly go south with the start of the war - we couldn’t receive any money for two months. Luckily, the money I accumulated previously allowed me to exist and to pay salaries until new ways of money transferring were established.

If I am to start accumulated a business financial cushion, it’s a complicated decision as of where to store the money. Any bank can rob you anytime because of your Russian origin or due to other reasons sucked out of a thumb. Cryptocurrencies are unstable. Even those which are tied to real currencies, like USDT, can disappear into the thin air one day.

Met T. yesterday. Five hours flew like one second, mostly in discussions about Georgian ap… err… I mean, Georgian people.

I’m in a Georgian taxi. Inside there are:

- Orthodox icons: 7
- Georgian flag: 1
- wooden crucifix: 1
- working A/Cs: 0

Georgians are afraid of car A/Cs, they think A/Cs cause illnesses. They don’t even know how to operate an A/C properly. So, they all drive with windows opened, inhaling dust and exhaust gases all the time. They despise those like me who ask to close the windows.

Georgian girls are strikingly beautiful, however, in most cases their faces are contorted by bitchy grimaces.

Orgasm in my sleep. I had 78 DAO.

Nevzorov: “Those believing in a vertical takeoff of a rabbi will believe anything”.

I can generate anesthesia in nearly any circumstances. Why am I not doing it often then? Am I waiting for an uncle to come and do it for me?

Who hinders me from generating anesthesia every time I encounter a period while reading?

I couldn’t sleep because children were playing loudly in the hotel hall. So, I opened the door and saw one girl and two boys, all looking 7-8 y.o.

I asked them to be more quiet, saying that I want to sleep. The children looked at each other, then the girl contemptuously said: “Russian shit!”, and they started playing and yelling again, paying zero attention to me.

This 4* hotel hosts and feeds Ukrainian refugees for free. I’m paying 1500$ per month for my stay here, my money are used to fund those Ukrainians’ stay, and still I’m the Russian shit to them.

Почти не спал. Думал, как выкручиваться из ситуации, в которую сам себя поставил в силу своей бесконечной наивности и тупости.

Если бы не Т., я. бы так и дальше был идиотом.

Я различаю одну из причин по которой я хочу пить алкоголь и трахать шлюшек: поступая так, я чувствую себя взрослым человеком, который берет на себя ответственность за свои желания и их реализацию.