Evan

2 desires appeared - do not overeat and not hurry. The first one gives more pleasant sensations and sharper attention, the second does not let to do to many unaware actions.

I started to pay more attention to perceptions but most of them are negative, result of my shitty life. There is a strange pleasure from distinguishing like becoming alive. Perceptions are so unpleasant and permanent that sometimes I tried to generate pleasure to reduce suffering, pleasure vanished in numerous NEs but later fought its way again. It looks like I feel my agony in NEs, before I avoided it - too unpleasant. State -5 to -2, aware -2 to +2.

Still PEs but no more clear and joyful state like in the morning. Habit to worry during activity. State +2 to 0, aware -3.

After long sleep interrupted by cuddling and fucking feel unusually unconcerned. My mobile Internet was cut off, I have meetings and missed some of them but almost no worries, easy-going mood like in childhood when the same things seem very different and the mood is different. But nothing changed from yesterday except for my state, it means I can feel in the same easy-going joyful way under the same conditions but I don't know yet how to keep such state.
Anticipation, joy without reasons, state -1 to +4, aware around 0

Tired and some problems are unsolved and postponed till Monday but there is strange satisfaction in fighting against problems even in the case when some of them remain unsolved, similar to sparrings but less exciting.
State -4 to -2, aware -5. The only exit from NEs and fatigue is girls and they are coming:)

I was irritated almost immediately after decision to trace irritation. Read e-mail with polite PC tech support offer to fuck off. I tried to calm down and explained them one more time. Noticed that I like to feel indignation because they are wrong, sometimes I share my indignation and irritation with my staffs.
Later I observed the non-stop NE flow - one NE after another or NE bunches together. I tried to remember something pleasant but gave up fast. I realized that the only opportunity I have now is pleasant sensations, my body still can feel pleasure regardless all constant NEs. My psychics is dead, mind undeveloped and busy with shitty thoughts but body still alive a bit so I will use it.

It took almost 2 hours to get the pleasure background this morning - my craving for NEs is strong.
Lied in bed and thought of Bo idea that we receive neutral energy and ourselves make it negative or pleasant, and also about destructive certainties and habits which make my life so shitty. There are many but I can't distinguish them now, will fix them when they will manifest. In many situation at work I produce NEs myself - today want to trace irritation, i feel it too often.
At nigh a girl was surprised that I don't want to fuck her if she feels pain!!! She said other guys keep fucking her in spite of pain. Hate guys who torture girls and kill pleasure of sex together with desire for sex.

Trained BJJ and judo, after a 2-week break it was difficult but later, especially after stretching, feel pleasant fatigue and relaxation. Only during warming-up was partially aware about my state, during practice - sometimes a bit of awareness and during sparrings totally unaware. Condition -1 to + 1, aware -3 - tired but contented.

Still working but when I'm not engaged too much in oral communication I feel better, even can feel light pleasure background as I wanted this morning. Condition -2 to +1, Conscious -4 to +2

5 hours at work and almost totally lost, thinking only about suppliers, pension fund, rent payment etc.
Short breaks help but for 5 hours I got a wrong inertia. Condition -4 to -1. Conscious -8

The task is more difficult than I supposed, cannot focus on and keep pleasure background while working, training new staff, only when I withdraw a part of attention. I can train to do it. Condition -1 to 0, conscious -5 - medium insanity

After waking up feel better than usually because of thinking how to keep pleasurable body sensations in the body during a day - focus on them and a bit pleasant physical activity + elimination exhausting useless mechanical activity, worries and other NEs - idea from 5 Maya. Focusing is working already - pleasure background in the chest middle. I always neglected it as smth easily achievable and not important and as a result stuck to much more pleasant NEs:) Today I will try to stick to the opposite

Recollect myself after reading Bo. It was wrong priority - not work for work or work to impress myself and others or just unconscious following the current or blind certainties, but work to make my life better. It means conscious and efficient efforts, pauses to calm down and check the efficiency of time spending and pleasure, before everything else.
I'm a rickety wreck so the idea of energy accumulation by pleasant physical activity and pleasure background plus NEs and concepts elimination is very actual for me.
Condition 0 to +3

Trying to revive after unconscious period at work. I don't want to repeat such deep involvement with my brain on autopilot of blind certainties that I need to work at the limit, very unpleasant hang-over. Condition -5 to -3, amoeba's torpidity. Will read 5 Maya to regain myself.

Was really crazy, filled in breaks in work with another work - I thought that if the new staff has nothing to do due to repeated PC repair I need to teach her smth useful. As a result insanity 8, even difficult to appraise my condition - from -4 to -2.

Realized that I can make breaks in work or any other mechanical activity and focus on something pleasant. Just did one and now feel better, I don't do such simple things but complain that stick to NEs.

Working, negative background of preoccupation and smth else vague. Condition -3 to 0

Time to work, the mood is still lighthearted and joyful. Wrote on MS, read a bit. Condition -1 to +2. Want to keep the mood and make my work joyful. Yesterday had an interview with a new sales girl, movie script writer, the staff becomes more female and pleasant.

A girl waked me up and asked whether do I want to fuck or not, I wasn't too sleepy and I like to fuck her. Now she is getting dressed and I'm thinking what to do before going to work. May be I will read and learn a bit of Cantonese.

Still at work but in unusually good temper. Anticipation to feel in other black holes and make more life more pleasant. It's like setting-up the business a lot of efforts, some failures but at the end it's bringing money. I want more pleasure in my life and now I want to bring it in little by little.

Wrote on MS and anticipating simpats coming to Hong Kong. May be they will not but I like to anticipate. Lack of normal communication is a black hole really. And some efforts in this direction changed the mood. There are 2 more untouched holes NE's elimination and self-development. Condition from -1 to +2

Waked up with acute shortage of close friends and really pleasant perceptions, I have only substitutes. Even when I was in Moscow and spent some time with simpats I was aloof but now it's too much - it's like this part of me is already dead. I'm spending all my time for business, sex and martial arts but it's not enough. And I'm too cocky when my life is empty in close friends, enlightened perceptions, self development, it means I'm dead in it if I don't feel shortage and need of it.
This morning somehow I feel it.

Can't find a reason but I'm happy and satisfied, partially detached and nothing disturbs me. Pleasant state. Want intenseness but can't get it. Condition from 0 to +2

Was busy and insane all day, besides the shop computer failed so I gave my notebook as a temporary substitute. BManaged to do a lot, tired but satisfied as a result. Condition -3 to -1.

No free time cause fall asleep again in the morning and later non-stop training of a new stock keeper. The girl patiently swallows up all tricks of stock keeping. I am too concerned to impress her as a proper boss, tired for it. Condition -2 to 0