Evan

Again working too late, in any case I will wake up also late and will feel worse. I want to be efficient and don't repeat the same mistake every day like an addicted idiot. I am the addicted idiot.

Tonight I don't want to lose totally pleasant and quiet background and rather often calm down mind and emotions when I lose it. It helps to keep it and the night work condition is above average. Hope the experience of unusually pleasant moments and short periods will accumulate and desire to keep it will increase. In this case much more pleasure will be in my life.

Waked up early, got a lesson of naughty Filipino instead of fuck. Wife brought a beautiful young girl, one more girl came later and decided to join. It was the best time I spent with girls - very pleasant no-hurry state, relatively calm mind and medium desire to impress others, no obvious jealousy, intense moments of pleasure, beauty, joy, relief. 7 hours passed too fast, I liked to watch 3 girls playing in bed - kissing, licking and fucking each other and me, dancing, talking. Till now I have background of this quiet state and pleasure. Probably involvement in work will swallow it.
One girl run away, she put Paradise down for Hell, another girl was curious to try but I was alone already.

When I spend time with a girl I like all psychopathies leave me for a while, and even this pleasant background spreads to work. Condition +2 to +5

Satisfied, pleasant sensations, state 0+3

Except for exitment and pleasant sexual sensations only insanity as usually. State from -1 to +4 on pleasure scale

After waking up was -3, now -1+1. Wanna fight for more minutes of pleasurable perceptions today.
At night when I relaxed I can see my fears, worries, irritations, pity more clear. So I can understand that there is plenty of them, they have some associations in past, they are useless and I need a lot of efforts to clean them out. It's like setting up a business - requires a lot of efforts but will bring me more pleasure later.

Condition -2, insane from work, tired, but stubbornly trying to finish one more doing instead of calming down and stopping insanity.
Few breaks in negative emotions - uneasiness and preoccupation with other people opinion - brought pleasant short relief and freedom.
While looking at a drunk man irritated madly I realized that my reactions are perverse and inappropriate in the same way - irritation, self-pity, offence.
Can't understand why I don't allow myself to enjoy doing nothing, freedom, beauty. I prefer to constrain and torture myself without any reason, very harmful habitude.

Suddenly feel from 0 to +2, a pleasant fluctuation due to relaxed work, chatting with girls and anticipation to meet them

Working, average condition from -3 to -1, sometimes I withdrew my attention from business to pleasure in chest and experience pleasure 1-2 but it lasts too short. Interesting to slow down my anxious mind sometimes it also brings pleasant reliefs.

When I get involved and worry while working, the condition from -1 to -4 depending on intensity of anxiety or irritation, when I calm down I feel better and can even feel pleasure background 1-2 in the chest middle. Working and trying to return myself to pleasant side of emotional state.

Working, jerking, chatting. Chatted with a girl doing gangbangs with 5 black or 6 local guys for long time, the only constant girl in this groups, should be really horny, curious to meet her.

Yesterday I felt quite different from usual emotional state that at night I already couldn't believe that it was real and I gave up. Now I want to try again to bring me closer to a similar emotional exaltation cause it's very pleasurable. Unstable, many doubts whether it real or just my imagination, but in fact very attractive for me.
Condition -2, light depression and negative background and desire to change it. Was pleasant to do nothing, jerk off while talking with a girl about sex.

Tired, wanted to replenish product stock before the weekend. But condition is better -1, no intense negative emotions like before.

Working, the condition -3. Dissatisfaction, sadness, self-pity, vague negative background. No desire to change it.

Fluctuations finished, no exaltation, no depressions, even state, a bit better than normal.
Working, chatting, nothing interesting.

Emotional exaltation passed, dissatisfaction, worries, sadness came and I feel strange kind of fatigue, may be because of attempts to prolong exaltation. But some background of exaltation and pleasant sensation is still here and sometimes there are light splashes of them. It was second time when I felt a big difference with habitual emotional state at work rather long. Wanna change my perceptions at work in this pleasant way.
Due to exaltation my estimates and expectations were not adequate and sober, I can correct them later but I really want to feel it again and again.

Finally it happened, anxiety left me for a while right at my working place. I am surprised that it last already over an hour and don't want even to go to martial arts training not to lose it. I'm ready to work like this, everything is pleasant, - working with database, placing orders, talking by phone, all I need just focus a part of my attention on this pleasant state or sensations in the body which strengthen when paying attention to them. The state is fluctuating, the more attention I focus on it the stronger it. Now I don't want girls or physical activity, just want to last longer.

Realized that I feel so anxious because it's habitual for me. The contingency only makes it obvious. I live all my life in anxiety even when I haven't worked and traveled around the world for many years. Business is good to reveal the habitual disease cause it's stressful enough. Now I can recognize its presence in many every day situations. The anxiety is chronic and lasting all my life and makes me suffer for no reason. That's why first I want to stop torturing me with the most intense anxiety. Today I succeeded few times and breaks in sufferings lasted from few seconds to few minutes, it was pleasant relief but when I got involved in work and lost alertness the anxiety came back.

Upon waking up the condition was ok, I stopped thoughts about problems at work and enjoyed more pleasant things. But now when I have to come back to problem solving I am again anxious. Yesterday there were 2 moments when anxiety was so intense that I felt tired of it and gleams of relief and easygoing mood came instead but only for a short time. Understanding that the anxiety has is totally unnecessary brings some relief, will try to bring it to my day.

Experience of confrontation against habitual insanity, especially at work, is accumulated gradually. It's promising to grasp that insanity is not normal and inevitable and there are more pleasant choices.
I solved contingency situation half-way and pleased with it. I will remind myself that life is not always smooth and some unexpected things may occur, e.g. simultaneous PC hardware and product database server failure. I will think them over in advance.
Almost every come-back to my den after work results in mood improvement, it means I feel better inside and it could be reproduced at work - easy-going mood, fridge with tasty stuff, inspiring petting or fucking, doing nothing on the big bed.

Keep working. The habit to worry and be unhappy wins in general while I'm working but I'm not giving up totally and sometimes try to bring me back into happy and unstressed state. It works only partially. At least now I realize how ridiculous is to feel all this negative shit I'm feeling always. Will keep fighting for better mood.

Was irritated and anxious, in addition to devices the computer itself has stopped to function. It was after business hours of technical support, I called to VIP support and left the sales staff to wait for the answer. 30 minutes of good sex changed my mood again. I came back satisfied and unstressed. I can't change perceptions but I can fuck and perceptions change in the way I like. Now I can't find any reason to be so irritated and anxious - stupid and useless habit. I'm sitting and solving the same problem without unnecessary negative emotions.

Irritated due to fighting with computer devices, they don't work after power failure. At the same time replying to suppliers, placing orders etc. Sometimes stop and calm down. Long for normal relax and happy condition. Fucked a girl I like but cum again.

Worked and chatted with girls. To get rid of anxiety I can both by solving problems one by one and by dissipating the anxiety emotion itself, e.g. by remembering me in the satisfied state when many negative things don't disturb me as usually.
Focused problems solving brings concentration and distracts from worries.