хаоСChaos

Pas sûr cmmnt ça se passe ou où j vais.. блин. Anxiété est là, qu'est-ce qu'il passera avec mon revanche ? Bonheur, fulfillment etc ? Viel zu viel los. Trotzdem, langsam - jedes Mal finde Ich mein Pfad. Darum bin Ich jetzt hier, so wie es ist. Es tut mir leid immer noch. Alle meine Fehler und der Tat dass jetzt Ich bin so machtlos versichern ein besseres Zukunft. Ich weiß dass man sollte so nicht aber isso. Gestern war schön, in die alpes maritime ^.^ j'étais plus haut q les nuages ! Mtn j lave le sol, pas fait bcp mais en somme ça va. Pas à pas et on arrivera ! Aujourd'hui pt être n'était pas bcp et la semaine passée mais j'espère réussir de plus cette semaine et j ferais mon meilleur !

V stressed. L8 w/ Wrkaway tasks & my own. I need sympathy, empathy, commiseration, compassion, LoVe ! Everything i did 4 her i wanted her 2 do 4 me. I want a special magical fantasy world thing that may not exist. I want unconditional love from a woman. This might b biologically impossible. Impossible in this world in more than one sense & or way. I feel like hell despite having gone to the damn maritime alps yesterday, done physical exercise, getting some maybe pseudo semi attention on IG & i don't even fkn know... I want a perfect ideal dream fantasy fairytale love 2 make everythin right for me. I want her 2 inspire me 2 want 2 live & b disciplined in achieving immense success & fulfilment.

Warum soll 3s so sein ? Warum ? Warum immer so ? Wtf... Ich hab so viel.. like wtf how why. Chantel's moved 2 Cornwall.. got a receptionist+admin job at the optician's. Haven't talked in like over a month ? She still excited for me 4 moving sm. I'm not, never enough 4 my brain 2 just simply satisfied, content & happy if objectively I'm in fkn paradise. It's never enough. I'm not changing the world how I want, i don't have my perfect love, i don't have anythin i dream of & if i did I'd prob still b fkn míserable 4 some other reason so what's even the fkn point ? Still i will ALWAYS come up w/ retarded reasons 2 keep goin, just never perfectly disciplined, arduous, industrious & coordinated...

33-immer noch nicht draußen gewesen..nix zum Frühstück xd nix zum Arbeit getan & nix gemacht, einfach die ganzen Tag nix. Aber moment mal, gibt's doch noch was. Vllcht ich koche heute, die ganzen Tag? Oder? Weiss ich net was noch kann ich machen weil gibt's nix zum Essen. Was srsly considering Kys after dr house shorts got me 2 watch the show. How am i gonna overcome AA? Accidentally Saw the guest's tits..fml thought they let me go in ffs.. anyway, tomoro we gon go fungi pickin which is not what u'd expect in maritime alps..Gon go keep cuckin myself & runnin away from livin a better life bc a lil bit o discomfort is gonna kill me. Discomfort now, more comfort l8r is a no no 4 me apparently...

Why did i ever fkn Trust Her why did i ever fkn Trust Her why did i trust her why did u trust her why was i so weak i let myself become a person vulnerable to someone like her why why why... I'm in immense mental pain how am i ever gonna recover wtf... I needed help, i asked for it and i always ever get punished I'm so fucked rn, so fucking fucked ffs fml how am i ever gonna b alright or better if i never am content with just ok and these things from the past AND the future keep haunting, constant regret & anxiety fucking ALWAYS ! I'm never alone, this every present ubiquitous Phantom lingers in the corner, constantly and it always fkn overshadows any faint hint of happiness or anything good

There i go again. 66 Tabs geöffnet. ~"I pull up... 64 b*****s like atari"~ Wunderschön oder ? Tja... Geht nicht weiter, einfach nicht, oder ? Ich bin sicher dass ich finde ein Weg aber so wie ich mache meine Dinge jetzt... Garnix alter.. Trotzdem, weiß ich nicht genau wie und wo, aber wenn du siehst was geht da - ich hab einfach was anderes da in der Nähe. Etwas Bleibt immer mit mir. Egal wie schrecklich ich war gewesen - immer i came out on top. Barely alive or happy but still, immer hat sowas passiert und ich arbeite jetzt mit alles was ich hab, alles was ich kann damit ich kann irgendwie was lösen damit bin ich besser. Tja weiß ich garnix was sinnvolles zu tun, Beziehungen ❌ usw aber...

Ni siquiera tngo energía contestar mis mensajes...ya es 23h y todavía no me duermo, sin plan por mañana, sin energía seguir y todavía faltando y faltando..q chido ! Me alegro tanto! Sé q todo es en mis manos y q todo podemos resolver solo q me siento mal. Sé q no necesito decirme q me voy mal. Q no soy contento o algo más o tener ansiedad con trabajo o miedo de no importa q, no lograr etc..lo q es más más importante es que trabajo con mi mente y me digo como y q y etc. ahora puedo decidir y decir q me voy por allá o allí y q eligo ir adelante. Si hay mucho malo y mucho con q no soy satisfecho en la vida pero si sigo así nunca encuentro nada. It only ever got better when i let go. Gf, 🇫🇷etc.

Me siento muy raro. Ahorita podría bien comer y hacer realmente mucho pero lo q queda es PMO Y procrastinar más... Todo ya es listo y sigo haciendo nada, sigo sufriendo la misma mierda. Todo, TODO nunca siente bastante. Igual me tocó un helado de menta q es casi asco. Tmbn ahorita podría pmo más pero tengo q cambiar a ropa Limpia y mi dysfoncion executiva no me permite... Ya ha Dio un cumplido a una ~zawaadi y nada. Eso debería darme más confianza q lo todo puedo resolver pero queda mi incertitudes, mi sufrimiento interno... Nunca podría imaginarme, ese enero, caminando en cdmx q KCB lo haría asi conmigo.. q me puede mentir tanto.. y q yo voy quedar de nuevo en la misma lugar mentalmente...

PMO me hace débil + quedo sin haciendo Lagartijas y eso no me ayuda ni de nada q no hay músculos. Carretilla está demasiado pesada y con todas esas pequeñas piedritas tampoco me va bien. Si lo hago y puedo pero con mucha dificultad y me aburro muchísimo. Vale tengo q ir antes de q me dicen q no laboro bastante..

Estresado :/ no soy seguro como llego. Sus tareas no me alcanzan a 25h y tengo miedo q me van decir q levanto demasiado tarde. Ayer ha Fallido de nuevo endormir temprano. Y ahora queda mucho q hacer y no sé q porque en la lista me falta horas y... Vale, mis tareas tmbn me faltan y muchas cosas q no van bien y etc etc aaaaaaa nunca nada es simple y me siento raro y todo me ataque y quiero certitud y algo pa me sentir mejor pero nada va tan bien 😭😭😭😭😭pero en realidad ya es bastante bien. Solo q necesito arreglar esas cositas de empleo y mi correo y llego a lo q debería y espero encontrar mi equilibrio. Busco Como hacer lo q necesito. Hoy en la tarde Tengo q escribir q hago mañana.

Me quedo un poquitito raro pero en general me late. Objetivamente sta bien pero ahorita q quiero cagar y ducharme ellos son de regreso a su cámara y yo no puedo irme así tan simplemente. Tampoco puedo sonar mi nariz pq ellos son aquí cerca y me da un poco vergüenza o no sé q cuando no hay privacidad por eso :/ me acuerdo todavía de kcb y me da esa Furia enorme, como todavía pero vale, alcanzamos y acercamos a poder un día Vengarme. Cada día eso es menos lejos. Lo malo es q no me endormí temprano de nuevo y hoy levanté a 8 y quería desayunar a 9 pero me va. Hostia q mal ! No debe ser difícil esa cosa simple ! Quiero y no puedo buscar mis ropas pa Vestirme... Por las mismas razones.. vamos.

I'm Fkn dying God, pls i beg U save me ! I can't I'll miss my fkn flight, I'm dying real bad rn i can't help it. All these fkn emotions, executive dysfunction, it's all going outta control ffs fml ! I'm having a mental fkn breakdown w/ lil peep in the background, suitcase only half packed, flight in less than 24h I'm so fucked !!! I need help and no 1 is ever there, just fkn explain why tf put me thru all this pain and suffering !?!??!? I need a way out & i can't keep going thru this pain, why was i always so weak?!? Couldn't even ever prevent it bc i was just ALWAYS in this much pain unable to do anything AT ALL 2 get better and all hope is lost & I've no clue when if ever I'll make it...

Pos bitchin abt and botherin me again. Besoffene Sau 🤬 kann nicht mehr, Gott sei Dank dass ich gehe weg ! Bitte, ich bete dass ich muss niemals zurück ! Niemals mit sie wohnen fml ffs es ist so fkn schrecklich ! J'en ai eu assez ! C'est juste trop ! Pos, pofkns ! Trop difficile de se calmer quand des choses vont comme cela et cette pos bothers me so fkn much ! I hope i get my way. I was told i will. Hardly can believe it but at this point i shouldn't ever b surprised no moe, no matter what happens bc this life... Is so fkn insane. I go crae crae. Pce out, may Our Lord b w/ U bud ! Praise be upon U, Lord !

4h... Tt l matin j'ai fait absolument rien ! Q branlé & match monsters & qqs msgs sur TG & WA & rien de plus like wtf how am i gonna even get there if i haven't even fkn brushed my teeth yet ?! How is life gonna go ? Yeah... I'm so fucked.. on the other hand, I am, as always, super harsh on myself. Yesterday at the spot in d forest i told myself it's ok if i fail. If i fail at revenge or any of my dreams. It's fine, nt a big deal. Wat I'm doin now is tryin. Even if it doesn't seem like it. I did respond 2 those damn msgs, i did DO THINGS. As fkd as it all may b, I'm not totally completely fkd. Just mostly fkd.. Alas, such is my fate. Woe is me. & if u step in and make it right, I'll rejoice.

Addicted...Morning starts from my addiction. Nt evn half way thru my old suitcase. Didn't even brush my teeth. Will still go play match monsters now& Nolife away...I can't believe I'm still thinking of how fkd up she was and how fkn much i loved her fucking kitty & what a lying monster cunt she is & what a loser i am 4 falling 4 this shit& being so fucking weak in life i got into a position this vulnerable in life in the first place. If only i got go get my social circles, finances, fitness & mental& special health in check... Some pos smoking again, won't ever let me breathe fresh air ffs.. u look at me & think how tf is he gon get any kinda personal justice in life if he's like that fml.

Been a while, didn't brush my teeth, no bweakfast, just a lousy apple.. Only PMo, barely got dressed, just spent the whole day on match monsters & yt shorts & similar nolifing... I hope to get proper hobbies and actually do shit once I'm working and doing well. Fk that cunt for doing this to me, I've no idea how am i ever gonna find someone to replace her and how can i even trust anyone ever again, given my track record. I'm absolutely unable to get any at all ! Well, i got somewhere, it's a long way to go, still, but we're not yet stopping altogether, now r we ? One tiny step at a time.. wanted to go get lukum but said must brekkie first but bc i need cut an onion - exec dysfunction overload

It's not gettin bttr w/ my exec dysfunction... Morning is hell, alc pos is still infuriatin me, I've no clue how to find strength 2 write the Goddamn letter. And i need to do it in the coming weeks. I'm scared, a bit at least, for how my host will b, how much workload am i gonna b given.. Job, studies, loneliness, strong emotions not letting me go, move forward, get somewhere in life... I wish i reread those papers last summer and confronted her, asked her what she's willing to do for ME ! and realised that she won't do shit für me, I was just kissing that pos's ass.. i h8 that cunt so badly now. I want 2 taste it again tho.. that's it, I've a clear path set in motion.

¡Retribution!

Alcoholic pos disgustin Oma is poisonin the fkn air i breathe when she's close ! Ffs how can that bitch so blatantly lie that pos nasty retard moron immoral wench ! I am so glad i won't b dealing w/ that pos again and God pls never again anythin like that ! How many moe fkn pos will u send me ? Why do u force me to suffer always, just fkn WHY ?! Barely finished sortin those papers today. No idea how imma keep goin. Only 5 fkn days left fml amd i barely got to packin my suitcase and tomoro is fkn TUESDAY AAAAARAARRRRGGHHGRGRHRHRGRGGHHHHHHH FAAAAAAAAAACK DAAAAAAAAAAMN IIIIIIIT BOB SAGETT !!!!!!!!! now that nasty wench is whisperin loudly and smackin talkin to herself that alcoholic moron !!

FK this shit ! J'en ai tellement marre ! Wie viel noch hostia maldita !! ¡Ya me alcanzó! tanto, todavía tanto mucho estupidez y nada tiene sentido fml }-[ ffs chuis furieux ! Soup's almost tasteless... Nothing matters, nothing i care abt, everything sucks, everything's shit& I've no idea how to fix this BS. D'acc, pt-être J'ai des idées mais j n'arrive pas chercher des forces chaque jour de nouveau pour faire les plus simples des tâches.. j'avance, trop lentement pour mon cerveau être satisfait mais quand même j'avance.. j'ai peur, tellement d'anxiété de futur et de ce q pourrait m'arriver): répèter mes Échecs de passé 🥺 et s'il sont même pire q j'avais déjà ?

Не сказать что особо хорошее утро. Sniffling cunts r back, fk em all. Literally despise public transport bc of them. Ffs just grab a Goddamn fkn tissue u retarded brain dead cuntface! Fml how hard can it fkn be?! So fkn pissed at em! ALWAYS D same fkn story, just how? HOW?! Nasty pos! Un jour... J n veux plus répéter ces mots, ça c'est le problème fml.. j veux déjà réussir. J n'arrive pas ): autant bcp d'essaies((((( tjrs le même fin(( quand et comment aurais-je cela ? Cela Qui me donne ce q j cherche déjà des années(( tu veux voir c visage n'est c pas ? Qu'est c q tu ne vas pas mon chéri ? Il fait déjà milles fois q j'ai compté mes doigts. Tu te rappelles? Moi non plus... Quand même, ça ira.

Ха ! Весело ×D только что встретил этого марокканца на франкфуртер аллее. Тот охранник из остановки мальсдорф. Лёль афигець смяшнё как ! Он зарегался в митапе хаха ! Сходил в лав бургер у цемьпельхофа, как всегда сказочно поел))))) поляк меня угостил салатом и я всё равно оставил экстра чаявых и щё побеседовали, клеэёвенько ^.^ еду обратно, завтра утром за ббнэ. Помыл плиту и пол каким-то магическим образом так шо зшбс, оч много смог чё. Не ожидал увидеть марокканца ваще, он меня хитрым назвал. Исмаил такой. Думаю это меня по сильнее обрадовало. Ща не смогу дрочить свободно кста. И это хорошо, попробую справиться. Помню как мехиканец из техаса на дискорде услышал порн как я сказал борат хддд

А можно я тебе расскажу что случилось ту ночь ? Или тебе это будет также безразлично как и всё до этого ? А может, ты тот человек что просто так глубоко попал в свою собственную яму что даже нет сил сочувствовать другим ? Ммм, от куда запах яблочного пирога в убане ? Может это смесь нескольких запахов что вместе дают такую иллюзию, это мозг предохраняет от страдания чуеть эти запахи по отдельности. Иначе было бы оч неприятно. В любом случае мы зашли далеко, прям уж оч далеко. Далеко далеко далеко ! И вот, в этом магическом месте мы вдыхаем силу, выдыхаем чушь. И всё же многое что во мне изменилось, если не те же мысли о мире и существовании. В любом случае выбора нет, я скоро буду там.

Back, back at it again. Full force, someone actually listened to me. Told me not to do it. If in the coming months i won't b able to... I will at least write her a physical letter fml. i will ffs ! I just can't anymore, i despise her, I'll force her 2 talk to me. I want her to respond to every point i make. I want her to pay.idgaf ABT everythin else in life FML ffs smh ! Idc, i just don't. I despise her & i desire a way out. I will fight and will win and succeed ! This will b the way ! Nothing else matters, u will all fall beneath me, pale in comparison ! Justice will b brought abt ! The right, the might,i'm making this fair ! Right fucking now i can't even cook, but i will channel the energy

Faint again but it's there... U wish u could but u were the 1 to fuck up this badly, I'm now paying the price. I wish i were stronger 2 fight more but I'm exhausted. Mentally it's too draining, way 2 draining. I just can't yet sm is still 2 b done ffs fml... I can't like that, it's hell. I wished for a different outcome. I cried 4 u & u made fun of me. I despise her now. I truly do, i must channel all this hatred into power, power to destroy her. I'll be back 4 u, u hay fkn cunt, lol stoopid bitch, I'll get u & u will regret ever being a heartless cruel monster to me. I'll force u & I'll punish and I'll give u all the pain back, a gazillion times over u nasty cunt ! U will SUFFER !

Ну всё, еду в Монако, окрестности. хз как дальше с эмоциями. Через не хочу заставлять идти дальше вперёд. Вселенная Могущественная, Её Сила во мне ! На дискорде, в 5Д духовном сервере чувак есть свои выращенные грибы. У него синий рот, какую-то химию "В" принимает. Я говорю ты ешь её В, могу синей инопланетяньки или синей женщины из Х мэнов, Х людей... До хуя делать если честно, как всегда. Я заебался кнчн, acc buddy не достаточно, эмоциональной поддержки не хватает. Affection slave ffs, yeah well fuck u, u nasty lil cunt, maybe that's what I'll make u once i get my guap on & show u that u can't do this to me and walk away w/out coffee consequences u nasty bitch, ur responsibility !