rustyknife

want to reflect on our Sunday with K. for a bit, but my next deadline is today at 6pm, and I haven't even started writing the assignment

didn't do most of what I should have done

oh well

slept 4 hours, woke up at 7:30 (why?..) and did absolutely nothing for the next 4 hours (okay, except for cooking breakfast)

I have 11 hours until K. arrives, and I need to finish my list of tasks by then... I should have slept more...

okay, I have a plan: I'm going for a walk because the weather outside is wonderful; then I'll either feel fresher or even more tired, and I'll start studying or take a nap, then study

btw just spilled my coffee on the bed, and I'm so grateful to my past self for buying black sheets

(luckily, no diarrhea after goat cheese!)

bought French goat cheese today

I was able to use Google to find out that olives go well with this cheese, but I didn't realise that it's a type of cheese with MOLD

I had cheese with mold once in my life (the same situation, bought without looking it up on the internet) and after that, I had diarrhea

but I like experimenting, so I just ate a sandwich with goat cheese and olives... if diarrhea awaits, at least it was tasty

accidentally chose a topic for my final film studies essay... I told the lecturer about the films I chose, what features of the design and cinematography I'm going to discuss, and then he asked, "so, what's your argument?"

I wasn't prepared for this and said something like, "ummm... I like how women are depicted in those films...," and he immediately wrote down that I'm going to write about "the depiction of female characters... etc."

I guess I should write about this now... I genuinely like the topic tho

even felt a bit of inspiration (or panic?) to start writing this essay (a week before the deadline!), but had annoyingly slow internet and fell asleep instead...

wasn't able to study yesterday evening, so I went to bed and then surprisingly woke up at about half past six without an alarm

I successfully managed to write an analysis for today in 2 hours and also had a normal breakfast, which I don't have very often

on my way to creative writing class, I brought a visit permission and a few letters to administration (we had letters in our flat addressed to people who don't live there)

our group is sitting and awkwardly waiting for the teacher now; she's already 30 minutes late

guess we don't have creative writing today

tried "study together" video chats on Discord, but they don't work for me; maybe I should try it with people I know

with these video chats, instead of thinking about my tasks, I'm constantly conscious of my facial expressions, gestures, etc., because I know at any moment some stranger may be staring at me

plus, video calls make my laptop slow down

I was actively communicating with the lecturer in the academic skills class (basically just answering her questions) and got several seemingly hostile comments from the Ukrainians sitting beside me, "oh, you're so smart"

this part of our culture is one of the reasons I don't want to return to my homeland (ever); if you're not hiding your intelligence, it means you're boasting and should be ashamed (especially if you're a girl)

I'm not going to hide the best parts of myself all my life

creative writing today was more like an art class; I made a poster (?) with a few lines from my poem, and surprisingly, both the teacher and I liked it

gathered all the signatures from my flatmates for K.'s visit, and I need to bring the document back to administration

I'll be writing an analysis of a scene from Macbeth today (hate this assignment, don't like analysing plays overall); tomorrow, I want to return all the books to the library since I only need "The Penelopiad" for the next week and I read it online

my previous assignment still hasn't been marked, so I have no idea if I should be nervous or how much effort I should put into my analysis this week...

started "The Penelopiad"

feels like it's going to be a genuinely interesting and easy read

watched a boring film with A., I wouldn't have even finished it if it weren't for the film studies

a beer and snacks, a nice evening, I would say, but she's close-minded, and I constantly have this nagging feeling like I want to change her; I feel like she's uncomfortable in her own skin because of all these internal restrictions

or I just imagined it because she's 17 and I projected the feelings from my own teenage years onto her

K. is going to stay with me for 2 nights this weekend!

it means I will get a good sleep before the scary last week of summer school

I can't make myself follow any kind of sleeping schedule when I live alone; given the amount of work I need to do in the final week, I will probably be sleeping about 3 h per day...

the lecturer of film studies knows how to surprise

I just watched "The Innocents", which I thought would be a classic, old-fashioned horror movie without actual horror; instead, it turned out to be a psychological thriller with themes of repressed female sexuality and child abuse

what I definitely didn't expect - to see a kiss between an adult woman and 10yo boy in a 60s movie TWICE

after watching suddenly felt anxiety and a disturbing sense of the finitude of life

my creative writing teacher told me today "not to use rhymes in my poetry until I have at least a year of experience in writing poetry"

to me, it sounds like utter nonsense

other students who are doing the same course as I am told me that teachers are trying to make us write "trendy," "saleable" stuff, which sounds like a good explanation for this situation

I'm going to write the kind of poetry I like anyway, but send drafts without rhyme and rhythm for marking

it's a shame I'm forced to do so

I got my first A in summer school!

it's for the film analysis I put so much work into yesterday!

it was worth it woohooooo!

couldn't believe my eyes after getting a C before

he showed up around 11pm with "jesus, I was at work, what happened"

I didn't ask why he wasn't responding to my messages at all, which he usually does even if he's busy at work, because this question feels kind of controlling and we don't have any control in our relationship

but I feel offended for some reason, despite knowing that I'm overly anxious and it's been proven to me many times that my panic is usually just an overreaction

well it's time to start reading "Macbeth"

spent 3.5 hours writing just 1 page of film scene analysis, partly because I needed to follow referencing rules

went to Tesco in a pretty outfit and bought everything UPF-free except for chocolate (75% cocoa btw so not so bad)

K. hasn't answered my messages all day, and for some reason, I can't see his phone on the map

I really hope he's just busy at work, I'll try to call him after 8 pm

I regret not doing anything yesterday so much

now I have less then 6 hours to finish my assignment

also, our English lit teacher is delaying marking our work because "she was sick on weekends"

why can she just say so, but I have to do everything precisely before Friday at 4pm?

I just had a coughing fit with shortness of breath and those scary sounds of whooping cough

I thought I felt much better now, I haven't had this feeling like I'm suffocating since Ireland... until now

I was so scared I actually thought about running in the corridor in case I lost consciousness (it's 5 am, so it would be kinda useless anyway...)

I'm afraid of going back to sleep, I want to have K. next to me on the bed, to hug him and restore my sense of safety

spent pretty much a whole day at my friends' house - UPF food, alcohol, deep conversations after dark

fought with D., just like the good old times

vomited once; they barely noticed

I have a skill for unnoticeable vomiting now - not something I expected to acquire

now I'm alone with my film genres assignment and "Macbeth"; all the stuff I planned to do today, but I didn't think about D.'s birthday at that time

can't make myself do anything useful

thinking about a party tonight, about starting a commonplace book, about decorating my planner

summer weather outside isn't helping (yeah 15 degrees is a real summer here)

tripped over my own flip-flops and poured hot tea all over myself and the kitchen floor

it's good that I don't like tea with sugar; otherwise, everything would be sticky

I just smudged it all over the floor with a mop; hopefully, no one will see it before it dries out

the skin on my hands is as red as boiled prawns eww

I ate a looooot today, including UPF food

I allow myself to do this on social occasions; K. loves to eat, and the amount of serotonin after communicating with him is worth the minuscule damage of one meal that doesn't fit into my diet

I'm not hungry, but I cooked chicken and mushrooms after K. went home because they would have gone bad soon; now I have ready-to-eat food for the whole Sunday in the fridge

went to the beach, nature reserve, and rock garden today; all on the outskirts of the city

I have many more photos of nature to post than photos of myself; maybe I should finally buy a camera

I'm a little bit sad after K. left, but it's a good kind of sadness

K. made one small correction in my poetry piece, that's all

he's not a specialist in literature, but he's a native speaker, so his opinion is valuable

I just wrote a really good poetry piece in English

at least I find it incredible (partly just because of the fact that I'm able to write poetry in English, unimaginable)

I'm so grateful to my creative writing course rn, I would never even try without it

need to get up at 9am, can't fall asleep because I want to write more